Encouraging Words from Cary Schmidt » marriage

How We Keep Our Marriage Fresh

caryschmidt — Thu, 18 Aug 2011 18:42:35 +0000

When Dana and I were engaged, there was one thing we dreaded—someday becoming one of those married couples that appear to barely tolerate each other. You know—those couples who never even hold hands or exude joy in being together. We vowed to each other that we would do everything within our power to resist the trends and habits that take a couple gradually down the path to boredom, mediocrity, and relational monotony. Not even knowing what it would require, we vowed to each other to “keep the romance.”

Twenty-two years later, we’re winning the battle so far. I realize we have a long ways to go, but I sat down last night and made a list of things I think God has used between us to help us resist the normal drift apart that many couples experience. Here goes:

We spend time together: I know this is basic, but so many couples spend less and less time together the longer they are married. Big mistake! Honestly, one of the greatest blessings of my cancer battle this past year was that I got to spend a lot more time with Dana. Granted, it wasn’t the kind of time we would normally desire, but the extra time together, even in sickness, was a real delight. A good marriage take lots and lots of TIME! You can’t fast-track a strong relationship.

We listen to each other: This one sort of snuck up on me, and Dana is better at it. I really have to work at this. But when we’re together, there’s usually one of us leading the conversation. Usually Dana has more to say—she’s a woman. (And that’s not an insult, by the way.) But we both have our moments of “needing to be heard.” And I think we both value the sound of the other’s voice. I meet some husbands who get tired of “listening”—don’t do that. Be thankful that YOU are the one she’s chosen to talk to! What a compliment!

We try to bless and care for each other: After this year, Dana has a HUGE lead on me in this area. She’s waited on me hand and foot for about a year now. But even before cancer, I can honestly say we have chosen to find pleasure in taking care of each other. She delights in pouring me a glass of tea, I delight in holding her while she falls asleep at night. We both delight in doing little things that bless the other. Those little things go a long ways toward keeping love alive.

We retreat together regularly: Leaving the kids is always difficult. Finding a little extra money to get away is a challenge for any growing family. But early on, we committed to get-away together a couple of times a year—whether or not it was convenient or affordable. These retreats together have become cherished memories. They have fueled our marriage and our whole family in more ways that I could possibly describe. I would call these retreats “mini-honeymoons.” In which case, for those who do them, the honeymoon never really “ends.”

We express physical affection: This one was an easy one to see as an engaged couple. The longer some people are married, the less they touch. So we decided we wouldn’t do that. We decided we would always love holding hands, sitting arm in arm, and snuggling up to each other. Life has it’s way of getting busy and this one can easily fall by the way-side. We’ve had to remind each other from time to time, but I’m thankful that this hasn’t changed much since the day we were married.

We listen to good “marriage music” together: We have gradually built our own collection of songs that speak to our love and strengthen our devotion to each other. We save that collection, occasionally add to it, and use it often. Whenever we get in the car for a date or a trip together, we pull out that collection, hold each other’s hands, and let the music minister to our marriage all over again. Just last night we were doing this once again, and every song carried with it it’s own set of memories connected to when we found it and where we first listened to it. Some were sad. Some were happy. But twenty-two years later, that song collection has wonderfully blessed our marriage.

We dream together: One of the great things that keeps our marriage alive is looking forward together. Sometimes we’re looking forward to something more immediate, like a vacation or special time (like our son’s senior year.) At other times we’re dreaming for the big picture and long term, like our children getting married and starting their own families, or what the Lord might do in our lives or ministry together in the years ahead. One of my personal favorite things to do is dream out loud with Dana about God’s will for our future together. We share common dreams, and that knits our hearts very close.

We read books that challenge us: This one is simple, but we try to build our marriage book collection regularly as well. Over the years we’ve each read a lot about marriage, and every book has challenged us in different ways, provoked different discussions, and cause us to grow. These books, for us, are like attending a well-prepared, truth-filled marriage retreat. They refresh us, renew us, and reset our focus on loving each other better.

We wait out the “weary places”: Every relationship goes through valleys. For us, cancer was certainly one of those valleys this past year. Work pressures, financial pressures, busy-ness, and a myriad of other external factors can weigh down upon your marriage and bring you into a season of weariness. During these times you often lack emotional and spiritual energy, and your marriage relationship can be strained. Many couples “jump ship” during these times. Over the years, Dana and I have learned to look each other in the eye and say, “We will get through this… let’s just be patient and keep holding on to God and each other.” This year was definitely one of those years, but God has brought us through many such times.

We forgive each other quickly: Dana does a lot more forgiving than I do, but we decided years ago that we wouldn’t hold grudges against each other. Expectations often lead to unmet expectations, which lead to disappointment, frustration, conflict, and distance. To keep your marriage fresh, you must be quick to own your failure and apologize. And you must be quick to forgive when you’ve been hurt or slighted.

We laugh and enjoy our family a lot: Like every family, we have our conflicts, but we decided intentionally that we wouldn’t allow our family to be dominated by conflict. Many families are consumed with it. When conflict arises, we work through it and resolve it, and then we move back to the enjoyment mode. As a family, laughter with and at each other and abundant joy with each other is the norm. Much of this is due to Dana’s abundantly joyful spirit and delightful sense of humor as a wife and mother. The whole family sort of adopts her delightful personality.

We take walks together: We need to do this more, but we really enjoy catching a summer evening sunset or taking a late evening walk under the stars. We hold hands, we take our time, we talk, and we enjoy the closeness with each other and with the Lord. (It’s good for us physically too!)

Well, this stuff isn’t rocket science. It’s pretty simple, but it has worked for us. We are more in love today than we were twenty-two years ago. Keeping your marriage fresh is possible if you decide to work at it.

What about you? Please add to this list. What do you do to keep your marriage fresh?

P.S. One final thought… we always kiss when we’re alone on elevators…

The Forgotten Side of Submission

caryschmidt — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 15:14:56 +0000

Not long ago, my wife and I were faced with a really difficult decision. We were faced with two very important schedule conflicts and there was no way we could fulfill both. For several days we worked the situation over in our minds and in talking together. No matter what we chose, something very important in our lives would lose. It was literally a choice between a rock and a hard place.

So we did what most sane people do in situations like this—we decided not to decide. We procrastinated. We put the decision off for as long as we possibly could. No matter how we viewed our options, we always ended with, “well, we have a few more days before we have to decide, so let’s pray about it.”

Though we tried to ignore it, the dreadful moment came. A decision was required. Time had run out. We had talked and prayed. I had repeatedly asked the Lord for wisdom in making the right call, and now it had to be made.

This was one of those situations where I knew I needed to make the tough call. So, in a “trying-to-exude-confidence” moment, I turned to Dana and said, “I want you to trust me on this one.” (Like I knew what I was doing.) I continued, “There isn’t an easy answer on this, so just let me make the call, and let’s trust the Lord that it’s right.”

This was a gut-wrenching choice, and Dana had especially been wrestling with doing the right thing. But in that moment, she was relieved. Even before she knew the decision, she was relieved to put the pressure on my shoulders—or blame, if I was wrong. She was happy to rest in letting me be responsible for the decision. After explaining my decision and why I believed it was right, she gave me a doubting glance, but then said, “OK.” The peace that came over her was noticeable!

I took note of the relief and rest that she experienced. I couldn’t help but think, that’s why the Lord tells a wife to submit to her husband. Submission brings relief from the struggle, freedom from the strain, and escape from the pressure of difficult choices. Submission places the burden of responsibility on the shoulders of an appropriate authority, and lets the heart rest.

So often we hear teaching on submission that makes it sound so difficult and self-denying—and some times it is. But perhaps even more often, submission brings peace and rest. It allows a restless, struggling soul to find safety and solace in the protective hedge of biblical authority.

The next time you mention or teach on submission, don’t forget the blessing of the forgotten side of submission—the rest and peace that comes with it.

Update: Since the original post, some folks have asked for “the rest of the story”—was it the right decision? The answer—yes. God gave both of us peace that we were doing the right thing, and indeed, it turned out that way. Had we done anything else, we would have regretted it. We are thankful that our Heavenly Father guides us in such difficult moments!

Making Marriage a Priority

caryschmidt — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 07:34:16 +0000

A month ago, Dana and I crossed our 20-year anniversary together. With the busyness of the Christmas season, we waited until this past week to get some time away. The Lord allowed us to spend five days on the central California coast (an area we haven’t visited much in the last decade). I had forgotten how beautiful it was.

In summary—it rained all week long—and we loved every moment together. God gave us an especially memorable afternoon of sunlight when we were able to walk along some ocean cliffs, enjoy the giant waves, watch the sunset, and savor the unspoiled coastline. It was one of the most memorable days of our married life.

Tonight, we were cherishing the memories, looking at some pictures (some posted on this site), and talking about how much we enjoyed spending the last five days together. I laughed and told her she was my BFF! Then something caught my attention. All around our bedroom are mementos of 20 years of trips like this—little candles, sea shells, and keepsakes we’ve used to decorate our room to remind us of these special times.

At least once (and often twice) per year we have retreated together for a few days. Early in our marriage, we read somewhere that this was wise to do, and so we made it a priority. It has never been about spending a lot of money. It’s usually just a short break. But oh how valuable and blessed these times have been.

These trips must be important, because every time we’ve planned one, every possible interruption comes up to prevent it from happening. These retreats are never easy to make happen. We feel guilty for leaving the kids. We feel bad for being away from ministry. We wonder if it’s the right time or if we can afford it. We wrestle with missing a basketball game or a church event. We nearly talk ourselves out of it every time.

But, in the end, marriage wins. Marriage gets the priority. If our marriage stays strong, our kids win, our ministry wins, and everything else is better off.

Having just finished another one of these special trips, I encourage you to make your marriage a priority. Say no to every reason “not to”—and just say yes to becoming best friends. When I married Dana, it wasn’t because I needed a helpmeet, a cook, a housekeeper, or even a ministry companion. It wasn’t so I could neglect her for most or our life together. It was because I really, really, really LIKED her and liked being with her—and wanted to continue feeling that way!

How odd that most dating couples spend more time together than married couples do. Personally, I’d sure like to die knowing that I defied that statistic my whole life! Don’t let it happen to your marriage. It honors the Lord to give your marriage plenty of time—and He makes up the difference in every other area!

I can’t believe that God has given us two decades together—it sure flew by! In many ways, we’re just getting started. And in other ways, we have so many cherished memories. Time passes quickly. Don’t let anything stop you from making your marriage a priority. Get away for a few days. Everything else will be there when you get back, and you’ll be better equipped to deal with it all.

All of life goes better when your marriage is on solid ground and your spouse truly is your BFF!

Note: For those unfamiliar with the lingo of young girls, the term BFF stands for “Best Friends Forever.” And if you’re a man, I wouldn’t recommend its use in any normal context.

Why I’m Thankful for a Godly Wife

Cary Schmidt — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 15:10:35 +0000

On Her Birthday, I Say, “Thank You!”

Today is my wife’s birthday, so in honor of her, I want to share a few things that I really love in her. As we near our 20th wedding anniversary, I can’t believe how much more I love her today than I ever thought possible. This is a short list—for truly it could be much, much longer.

She’s godly—I love being married to a lady who loves the Lord and allows her love for the Lord to flow into every other relationship and responsibility.

She’s shared the vision—she’s always understood what the Lord’s will is for our lives and she’s given her whole heart completely and in faith, to allow the Lord to accomplish His vision for our lives and home.

She’s simply a wonderful wife—I believe love in a marriage is strongest when you realize your spouse loves you in spite of who you are. This is how Dana loves me. Though I’ve often disappointed her, she looks beyond those failures and loves me faithfully—which has compelled me more than anything else to grow and ask God to make me the husband she deserves.

She’s a gifted mother—Dana’s heart truly beats for the Lord, her husband, and her children. She’s has so tirelessly given herself to them for nearly 18 years. Her sacrifice defies description.

She’s a faithful co-laborer—whether it’s hosting groups in our home, counseling a teen girl, helping plan a youth activity, teaching a class, taking a group soulwinning, or just embracing life in the “fish-bowl” of ministry—she’s embraced my call as her own. It’s awesome to serve the Lord together.

She’s a talented home-maker—it’s an awesome experience to just come home every evening to such a delightful environment. Her heart is in her home and for her family in an amazing way. Home truly is a special, delightful place.

She’s funny—she keeps her family in constant laughter because of her antics, funny sayings, air-headed comments, and delightful personality. We most appreciate that she laughs at herself.

She’s just my best friend—we never get tired of spending time together, and when we’re apart, we’re counting the minutes until we’re back together. Being with her is my favorite thing in life. She’s made this husband one very blessed, very happy, and very well-cared for man.

To that end—I simply say, “Happy Birthday, Best Friend!” You truly are the BEST!

“Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD.” —Proverbs 18:22