Encouraging Words from Cary Schmidt » dating

7 Myths of Single Life

caryschmidt — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 19:20:15 +0000

Seven Myths of Single-Life

Myths abound in today’s culture—through urban legends, chain emails, speed-diets, and beyond! Thanks to snopes.com, it’s pretty easy to run an email, a story, or a bizarre event through a quick research test to find out if it’s true or not.

So—do you have a “snopes” for life? Has it occurred to you that life also has its myths and “urban legends.” The issue is, these myths have much greater consequences. And much like “snopes” we need to take the philosophies, assumptions, and teachings of our pop-culture and run them through the truth test—the Bible.

Here are seven popular myths of single-life—seven lies that many singles buy into. Let’s run them through the truth test and unmask them as frauds:

1. Happiness and love is found in a person and I must find that person. Many people fall for this lie. Their lives become an endless search for the right person to completely bring happiness to life. The problem is—no human being can fulfill the deepest desires of our hearts. That is reserved for God alone, through Jesus Christ. Psalm 16:11 teaches, “Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy;”

2. Freedom is about making decisions alone and doing my own thing—”I gotta be me…” This is a gross distortion of a biblical truth. Yes, God created you as an individual with many unique qualities—so in that sense, you do have to be you. But, God never intended for you to live independent of Him or outside of His purpose or structure for life. The greatest life is found when you are who God truly made you to be. In John 10:10 Jesus said, ” I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.”

3. There is a short-cut to success and fulfillment in life and I will find it. Many believe that there are quick ways to happiness and fulfillment in life, and so they fall for them—parties, illicit sex, drinking, drugs, etc. We all tend to want the path of least resistance and the quickest path to success. In truth, the best life is built one decision at a time on the strong foundation of biblical values and principle.

God taught in Joshua 1:8, that true success is a product of biblical principles in practice. Joshua 1:8″ This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success.”

4. Responsibility and purpose in life can be indefinitely postponed. In the short term, a life free of responsibility and commitment seems like the way to go—but in the long term, it’s disastrous. We were designed by our Creator to have purpose, to embrace commitments, and to shoulder responsibilities that honor Him. God teaches that life comes with built in accountability and responsibility. Those who embrace this, always win. Romans 14:12, “So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God.”

5. Love is a mystical, magical, fleeting thing that has something to do with sex. God is love and God created sex, so who could possibly instruct us in this matter better than Him. Quite simply, true love is a choice, not an emotion. You do it, you don’t feel it. Warm and fuzzy emotions, as enjoyable as they are, are not and never will be love. And sex is only an expression of love when it’s done God’s way—within a committed marriage for life. Outside of that boundary, sex is harmful in every way to both parties. It does irreparable spiritual harm.

Here’s how God says it: 1 Corinthians 6:18, “Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.”

6. As long as I’m not hurting anyone else, what I do doesn’t matter. This sounds great and becomes a great excuse for someone who purely lives for self. The problem is, it’s simply not true. No man is an island. We all influence somebody. We all have people in the future we will influence. And every decision you make today is countless repercussions for people around you and people in your future that you haven’t even met yet—like your kids! Think of it this way—have you become the bearer of some of your parents bad decisions? Probably so. And at the time, they too were thinking their decisions wouldn’t hurt anyone. But you know differently.

God commands us to live as examples to others, positively influencing them for right. 1 Timothy 4:12, “Let no man despise thy youth; but be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity.”

7. Pleasure, possessions, and personal pursuits can ultimately fill the longing of my heart. God created pleasure. God gives us possessions. And God calls us to purposeful pursuits. But He is the source and the giver. When we forsake following God and pursue these other things, life begins to fall apart. Apart from God, More stuff merely means more problems! We’re called to worship God and use things. But so often we get it backwards. We worship things and use God.

1 Timothy 6:17, “Charge them that are rich in this world, that they be not highminded, nor trust in uncertain riches, but in the living God, who giveth us richly all things to enjoy;”

Are you falling for some of these myths? Begin today to align your life with God’s principles—beginning with a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. You can read more about having that relationship in another article in this magazine.

Build your life and future upon truth, not upon the myth and urban legends of popular philosophy. Opinions of men will fail, but God’s Word is always true!

Here are seven popular myths of single-life—seven lies that many singles buy into. Let’s run them through the truth test and unmask them as frauds:

1. Happiness and love is found in a person, and I must find that person. Many people fall for this lie. Their lives become an endless search for the right person who will completely bring happiness to life. The problem is—no human being can fulfill the deepest desires of our hearts. That is reserved for God alone, through Jesus Christ. Psalm 16:11 teaches, “Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy;”

2. Freedom is about making decisions alone and doing my own thing—”I gotta be me…” This is a gross distortion of a biblical truth. Yes, God created you as an individual with many unique qualities—so in that sense, you do have to be you. But, God never intended for you to live independent of Him or outside of His purpose or structure for life. The greatest life is found when you are who God truly made you to be. In John 10:10 Jesus said, “I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.”

3. There is a shortcut to success and fulfillment in life, and I will find it. Many believe there are quick ways to happiness and fulfillment in life, and so they fall for them—parties, illicit sex, drinking, drugs, etc. We all tend to want the path of least resistance and the quickest path to success. In truth, the best life is built patiently, one decision at a time, on the strong foundation of biblical values and principles. This takes years—not weeks or months.

God taught in Joshua 1:8 that true success is a product of biblical principles in practice: “This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success.”

4. Responsibility and purpose in life can be indefinitely postponed. In the short term, a life free of responsibility and commitment seems like the way to go—but in the long term, it’s disastrous. We were designed by our Creator to have purpose, to embrace commitments, and to shoulder responsibilities that honor Him. God teaches that life comes with built-in accountability and responsibility. Those who embrace this, always win. Romans 14:12, “So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God.”

5. Love is a mystical, magical, fleeting thing that has something to do with sex. God is love, and God created sex, so who could possibly instruct us in this matter better than Him. Quite simply, true love is a choice, not an emotion. You do it, you don’t feel it. Warm and fuzzy emotions, as enjoyable as they are, are not and never will be love. And sex is only an expression of love when it’s done God’s way—within a committed marriage for life. Outside of that boundary, sex is harmful in every way to both parties. It does irreparable spiritual harm.

Here’s how God says it: 1 Corinthians 6:18, “Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.”

6. As long as I’m not hurting anyone else, what I do doesn’t matter. This sounds great and becomes an easy excuse for someone who purely lives for self. The problem is, it’s simply not true. No man is an island. We all influence somebody. We all have people in our future whom we will one day influence. And every decision you make today has countless repercussions in people’s lives for years to come—like your kids! Think of it this way—have you become the bearer of the bad decisions of others? Probably so. And at the time, they too were thinking their decisions wouldn’t hurt anyone. But you know differently.

God commands us to live as examples to others, positively influencing them for right. 1 Timothy 4:12, “Let no man despise thy youth; but be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity.”

7. Pleasure, possessions, and personal pursuits can ultimately fill the longing of my heart. God created pleasure. God gives us possessions. And God calls us to purposeful pursuits. But He is the source and the giver. When we forsake following God and pursue these other things, life begins to fall apart. Apart from God, more stuff merely means more problems! We’re called to worship God and use things. But so often we get it backwards. We worship things and use God.

1 Timothy 6:17, “Charge them that are rich in this world, that they be not highminded, nor trust in uncertain riches, but in the living God, who giveth us richly all things to enjoy;”

Are you falling for some of these myths? Begin today aligning your life with God’s principles—beginning with a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. You can read more about starting that relationship by clicking here.

Build your life and future upon truth, not upon the myth and urban legends of popular philosophy. Opinions of men will fail, but God’s Word is always true!

Just Friends—A New Book with Mike Ray

caryschmidt — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 11:00:27 +0000

Guarding Your Heart for a Wonderful Someday!

People have asked for years if we would do a book to teenagers and college students about guy/girl relationships. It wasn’t until Pastor Chappell approached me about working on this project with Pastor Mike Ray that I really thought seriously about it. What a privilege to work with a good man like Mike Ray on such a needful topic. Well—this book is half of the outcome!

When we met nearly a year ago to plan the contents of this book, we determined that God’s plan for guy/girl relationships was distinctly different to two very different groups of young people. To those too young or not quite ready for a serious relationship, His message is one of extreme patience, caution, purity, and authority. Yet, many who are in their twenties are seriously looking at developing a healthy relationship leading to marriage. These are two distinctly different relationships, and one book could not adequately address both types.

And so, we decided that two books were in order. This is the first, and it’s applicable for any young adult who isn’t quite ready to head into engagement and marriage.

I just received the first copy of this book off the press, and I am very thankful to have been able to work on it with Pastor Ray. Just Friends is about 234 pages, paperback; and it has three parts. Part One—See the Big Picture—deals with keeping the long-term in view when it comes to having friendships. God is preparing you for a wonderful someday—the right person at the right time! Part Two—Make Big Choices—contains eight big decisions that every young person must make in governing their youthful guy/girl friendships. This section covers topics like purity, family, physical contact, emotional dependency, etc. Part Three—Get the Details Right—contains six chapters filled with practical insight and instruction on how how to handle guy/girl friendships so that they are pleasing to the Lord and honoring to spiritual authority.

This book isn’t about dating, yet it acknowledges that guy/girl attractions are a normal part of the teenage experience and should be handled biblically and wisely. It is about becoming the right person so that you will be prepared for the right person at the right time. The title “Just Friends” comes from that famous phrase that all young people use at one time or another—”we’re just friends!” It’s a serious book, filled with biblical principles and occasional humor.

Every few chapters includes a “Think About It” study guide for personal application. For young adults who desire to truly prepare their hearts and guard their friendships—these principles will encourage and equip. It’s also easily teachable for those in ministry. It’s a book that young adults can enjoy and spiritual authorities can appreciate. Hopefully it will serve to bring young adults and their parents together on these matters. We sincerely hope it will be a great blessing and used by God to strengthen young hearts.

It will be available on March 23 at www.strivingtogether.com

Interesting things in this book:

• A Biblical Description of Godly Friendships

• An Expose of Hollywood’s Lies and God’s Truth

• A Study of the Seeds to Sow to Reap a Great Marriage

• 17 Signs of Emotional Dependency

• Principles for How to Manage Strong Emotions

• 14 Dangers of Moral Impurity

• 15 Things that Lead to Moral Failure

• The Double Dead End Road of Physical Contact

• The Differences Between Lust and Love

• Practical Guidelines to Becoming the Right Person

• Advantages of Being “Just Friends”

• Guidelines for Setting a Healthy Pace

• And Much More…

By the way—the second book will be called “More Than Friends” and will deal with developing a healthy relationship that could lead to marriage.

The Top Ten Dating Mistakes Parents Make (Part 1)

caryschmidt — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 14:09:46 +0000

How Parents Let Their Kids Go Too Far, Too Fast, Too Soon

This is the first in a series of three articles.

Over the years, the Lord has allowed me the privilege to serve families and students in their journey together. Hundreds of teens have graduated from our student ministry, and the vast majority of them are living faithfully for the Lord—all by God’s grace and to His glory. In the day to day efforts, my wife and I have been involved as counselors, mentors, and sometimes disciplinarians in literally hundreds of budding and developing “dating relationships.” Not long ago, we sat down together and listed the ten most common mistakes that we see parents make when it comes to their teenager’s romantic attractions.

At the start, I must say, I don’t like the word dating. It carries with it too many varying connotations and secular implications. For the purpose of this article, I’m referring to the 7th-12th grade age groups (and in some cases, early college) when young people tend to become attracted to each other—too fast, too far, too soon. Unfortunately, all too often, when we have helped families through moral failures, we have counseled parents who, albeit unwittingly and unintentionally, indirectly facilitated serious temptation for their kids. In simple terms, they dropped their guard.

Thus, the Lord placed on my heart to put these “mistakes” into print—that parents and student ministry leaders might consider them, teach them, and avoid them.

While I’m not pro-dating for high school students, I’m also realistic enough to understand that God-given desires and attractions naturally awaken during the teen years. Kids are going to be attracted to each other, and there’s nothing we can do to change that—nor would we want to.

If we “ban” all communication and contact, they respond by taking their attractions underground—hiding them from authorities and sneeking around rules. If we lower the bar and drop our guard, then dangerous emotions and physical desires will destroy them. So I have long written and taught that we should strike a careful, biblical balance—teaching and nurturing our kids in how to manage these emotions and how to keep their friendships healthy and Christ-honoring until the Lord intersects their paths with the right person at the right time.

With that foundation, let’s consider the ways that parents often allow their children’s relationships to go too far, too fast, too soon. Just to be clear, these are the “doors of temptation that were left open” in many difficult counseling sessions we’ve conducted.

1. They let a sibling be the chaperone. I’m assuming you already have a standard that your teenager is never to be alone with the opposite gender. To put it mildly, siblings make horrible chaperones! Younger siblings are easy to deceive and honest older siblings are not always as vigilant as they should be. If you could sit in my office and see the tears, you would never, never ever allow a sibling to chaperone your teenager’s “friendships.”

2. They go to bed when a friend is still in the house. Usually this mistake follows closely with the first. Parents get tired and they feel bad about making a friend leave so they can go to bed. So they leave someone else in charge and sign off for the evening—often while the other parents are presuming adult oversight is in place. This is never a good thing. You have two choices—make the friend go home (probably the best choice) or stay up and be vigilant. Whatever you do, don’t go to bed.

3. They allow “minimal” physical contact. We tend to reason that “our kids are so much better than we were.” We think that holding hands or minimal touching will generally be safe. We couldn’t be more wrong. Teens are not equipped to deal with adult physical desires that grow stronger with even “minimal physical contact.” By allowing what we feel to be “minimal touching,” we reason that we’re helping them. We’re actually enlarging their temptation a hundred fold! Beware parent. What you allow them to do “in front of you” will be far worse behind your back, and you may be placing them on a fast track to moral failure.

Well that’s the first three mistakes that often lead to terrible outcomes. There are 7 more that we’ll discuss soon. For now, think about these and ask God for insight. Parents, stand guard for your child’s heart and seek His wisdom when it comes to establishing healthy relationships. Feel free to share your thoughts or insight to contribute to this article.

Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go:

Proverbs 4:23 Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.