Encouraging Words from Cary Schmidt » danger

When We’re Too Busy

caryschmidt — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 04:30:15 +0000

Life is busy. Honestly, in a given week or day, there is more stuff flowing at us (in the form of information and opportunities) than we can possibly comprehend, much less accept. Doing the right things in life means saying “no” to a lot more than you could ever say “yes” to. The challenge of the 21st century is saying “yes” to the right things, and accepting the built in limitations of the human condition. We just can’t do it all—though we often wish we could.

I’ve noticed something. Busyness is like a snowball. It’s size and magnitude grows simply by the motion of life, and it sort of sneaks up on you. We don’t realize we’re TOO busy until something starts to breakdown—and even then, we don’t always connect the symptoms with the real cause. For instance, fractured and stressed relationships sometimes have nothing to do with the heart or intent of the individuals, and everything to do with their schedules or level of fatigue.

Most everybody I know has a tendency to become too busy over time. And busyness is cyclical and seasonal—once you get everything back in balance, it seems it’s only a matter of time before your calendar is filled once again. Bad stuff happens when we get too busy and over-extended. Here’s a short list:

Our Walk with God Diminishes—it’s easy to negotiate this way— “I’m so busy doing things for God, that He will just have to understand why I don’t have much time to be with Him.” Somehow, I don’t think He’s holding a gun to our head either way. Yes, He desires that we serve Him with our lives. But He also desires that we walk with Him personally. Being too busy too walk with God is like poking a hole in your gas tank—you’re journey will be MUCH shorter for certain!

Our Physical Fatigue Increases—I know—DUH! Yet, I love the quote from Vince Lombardi: ““I firmly believe that any man’s finest hour, the greatest fulfillment of all that he holds dear, is the moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle – victorious” In fact, for a long time I had that quote hanging on my office wall. But I also love another quote from Lombardi: “Fatigue makes cowards of us all!” Funny that these both came from the same man, and they usually happen in that order! Sure—exhaust yourself in a good cause, but then catch up, rest, and restore. Don’t live in an extended state of fatigue unless you want to make some really bad decisions and have some very damaged relationships.

Our Relationships are Stretched—I really believe that the vast majority of marital/family stress and distress that Dana and I have ever experienced was more related to our schedules and fatigue than anything else. Now, before you get too “Utopian” on me—some stretching is simply unavoidable and even necessary—growth oriented. A young family, a growing ministry, and the regular pressures of a normal life bring with it a tension that stretches a marriage and forces needful growth on many levels. These are good things. Hard things, yes, but still very good and needful for long term strength and blessing.

But there is a line that can be crossed, and being TOO busy for TOO long only increases family frustration and emotional edginess exponentially. And it’s not only family relationships that are impacted. Co-laborers, friends, and ministry relationships can be hurt too. It’s simple. Being too busy means I’m mentally and emotionally “on thin ice”—edgy, tense, and stretched to my limits. It’s hard to have compassion, patience, and sensitivity towards people when my own emotional and spiritual “condition” is so fragile. Everybody pays when I’m too busy—especially those closest to me.

Our Health Suffers—When nearing the end of chemo, I asked my doctor what he would recommend I change about my life regarding the possible recurrence of cancer. While he couldn’t give me a “cause” or a “prevention,” he did say, “This cancer is an immune system illness. So do whatever it takes not to stress out your immune system. Eat well, rest properly, and recover when you’re sick.” Cancer taught me a lot, but one HUGE lesson was that I’m expendable in pretty much every area of my life, except to my wife and kids. The ministry doesn’t need me—I need the ministry. God’s work went along just perfectly without me. (Bummer.) Honestly, that wasn’t news, but it was a very real reminder that serving God is a privilege.

The other day my wife was asking me to “hurry” for some reason. I looked at her and jokingly said, “You’re stressing out my lymph nodes.” We both laughed. Simply put, nothing is more restorative to your health and productivity than rest, and nothing will enable you to have a long and fruitful family life and ministry more than being healthy—well rested and able to function optimally. It is possible to push yourself to a point where, for short-term gain, you ultimately cheat your family and ministry of long-term contribution.

Our Long-Term Viability is Threatened—We’ve all heard too many stories of people, who in short-term, low moments—moments of temptation, depletion, fatigue, or spiritual fog—made decisions that wrecked their family and ministry for the long term. Call it burn out, call it mid-life crisis, call is depression—there are a thousand causes and a thousand terms to describe or define conditions that bring us to poor decision-making. Over extending my life to get ahead for the short-term only threatens my effectiveness for the long-term. Some refer to this as “sustainable pace.” In other words, knowing that I must possibly faithfully run this race for forty more years, I’d better set a pace that will keep me running that long. You’ve heard it before—the Christian life is a marathon, not a sprint. If you’re sprinting, you are not setting a sustainable pace, and it will eventually catch up with you—unless you are Superman. You are trading your long-term viability for short-term gain. Bad trade.

In my experience in life and ministry, the things worth doing take time—a lot of time—in other words, patience. Pushing myself to “get it all done now” is a dead end—there’s always more to do, and what was done “faster” wasn’t usually done well. Doing less and doing it well requires patience and persistence. Someone working more and faster than you may get more done this week, but working with sustainable pace will accomplish much more over time. It’s like the difference between a sparkler and a slow, deep-burning bed of coals. One is more impressive, but the other burns hotter for a lot longer.

Being too busy tends to feeds pride and ego—it feels valuable. Being rushed and in a constant state of urgency can be validating in our search for significance.

Being balanced feeds your heart for God, helps you nurture healthy relationships, and makes you stronger and more effective on every level of life.

Being too busy, you may get more done this week and people may applaud you for it. But being balanced, you will get more done in your life time, and God will applaud you for it.

Funny thing is—what I’ve said in 1,200 words, God said seventeen— “Better is an handful with quietness, than both the hands full with travail and vexation of spirit.” (Ecc. 4:6)

Now it’s your turn to choose. How will you live this year—busy or balanced?

Influence vs. Control

caryschmidt — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 17:05:41 +0000

Sometimes we get mixed up in ministry. We forget that our responsibility is not control it is influence. God never gave us control of people, their lifestyles, or their choices. He created free will, and gives each individual responsibility for their choices. I fear, out of good intentions, some spiritual leaders cross the line and actually try to control behavior rather than influence the heart. There are a lot of reasons this well-intentioned approach to ministry is really bad:

God Gave Us Influence not Control—He allows us to influence others, but He reserves the right of control strictly to Himself. In ministry, it is influence that we seek, and only that we might use influence to compel others to live by biblical principles in complete submission to the One who truly does have ultimate control. We don’t have control of others—ever. God does. And He loans us influence—through spiritual means. He commands us to be living examples to others, persuading them, not mandating them, to live godly. (“In meekness instructing them that opposed themselves.” 2 Timothy 2:25) We cannot mandate others to live righteously, but we can persuade them to. We cannot push others to God, but we can lead them to Him.

Control Is a Delusion, Influence Is Real—Even if we fools ourselves into believing we could have control, it’s a myth. We don’t. We never have. We couldn’t. We shouldn’t want to. It is a complete waste of time to grasp for the reigns of someone else’s decisions. And if someone actually gave us control, it would be temporary, fleeting, ultimately failing, and vain. We have enough trouble controlling ourselves, much less others. (1Timothy 4:16, “Take heed unto thyself, and unto the doctrine; continue in them: for in doing this thou shalt both save thyself, and them that hear thee.”)

Control Is Lordship, Influence Is Leadership—We blow it when we cross the line of spiritual leadership by seeking control. This is simply lording over God’s heritage, which we are commanded not to do. 1 Peter 5:3, “Neither as being lords over God’s heritage, but being ensamples to the flock.” This phrase being lords over speaks of subjugation, domination, and attempting to control, and God expressly forbid it in spiritual leaders. The word ensamples speaks to influence.

Control Builds Man-Dependence, Influence Builds God-Dependence—If someone actually gave you control of their choices, they become dependent upon you. Wrong answer. They are supposed to be dependent upon God. Spiritual leaders are not called to make decisions for people. We are called to build them in biblical principles that create God-dependence. It’s pretty hard to trust in the Lord with all my heart, if my heart is dependent upon another man. (Proverbs 3:5, “Trust in the LORD with all thine heart…”)

People Resent Control, but Appreciate Influence—Attempting to manipulate the behavior of others, even toward ultimately biblical and good ends, only leads to disenchantment and desertion. A life built upon the control of another human being will ultimately run away from that control in search of a better reason for living. To the contrary, a life surrendered to the control of Almighty God has discovered the ultimate purpose of living!

Control Is for Environments, Influence Is for People—Of course you must control your classroom, your youth activity, your church service. God does commands us to let all things be done decently and in order (1 Corinthians 14:40). Controlled environments allow for healthy ministry and effective influence.

Authentic Ministry Is about Influence—Ministry is about developing a biblical relationship with someone that allows you to bring eternal truth—God’s principles—to bear in their decision making, thinking, behavior, and daily lifestyle. This is influence. It isn’t control. (2 Corinthians 5:11, “Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men; but we are made manifest unto God; and I trust also are made manifest in your consciences.”)

Influence Is Earned not Grasped—If you don’t have influence with someone (if they are unresponsive to your persuasion), you will never gain influence by grasping for control. Seek to love, not control. Seek to persuade—to gain a sphere of influence through a loving relationship—then work within that sphere to enlarge biblical influence and compel that person to live under the Holy Spirit’s control.

Persuade is the biblical word (2 Corinthians 5:11)—in the end, as ministers of Christ, that’s what we are—persuaders. We seek to persuade, through our lives—our words and our actions. We seek to influence others to live by biblical principle under the authority of Almighty God—to give HIM control, not us.

But always use influence biblically. God gives us influence to use for His glory, not for personal agenda. Our influence should direct others to God’s agenda for their lives, not ours. Our influence should direct others to hear and heed the inner work of the Holy Spirit in their lives. Our persuasion must be thoroughly selfless and abundantly biblical.

In speaking with Dr. John Goetsch about this subject he made this statement, “God identifies people as sheep in the Bible. Sheep cannot be driven, but they can be led.” As we lead people, and influence them, we are genuinely building them in Christ. Hence the spiritual decisions they make are not contrived, forced, mandated, or manufactured. They are genuinely produced by the Spirit of God.

The hardest part of ministry is watching people do things and make decisions that you know are harmful to them. God doesn’t give us control of those decisions. But He does allow us influence—the power of persuasion. Seek to influence others with a servant’s heart today.

Actually it’s kind of funny to think that one dumb sheep would attempt to control another dumb sheep. Let’s leave the control part up to God, and do our best to take heed unto ourselves and biblically influence others to do the same.

End Note: Parenting small children would be an obvious exception to these principles, but even then the dependency/control exercised by a parent is with the goal of building influence that will lead them to Christ-dependency and control.

To TV or Not To TV?

caryschmidt — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 13:00:32 +0000

To TV or not to TV? Many Christians wrestle with this question. Many choose to not have a TV at all. Others choose to have limited TV and tight controls. Yet others open the floodgates completely. Regardless of where you are on the TV decision, this experience was too powerful not to share.

For several years we’ve had cable TV’s most basic set of channels—primarily to occasionally watch sports or news, and that with heavy blocks, controls, and caution. The only other things we watched were Andy Griffith or a parentally supervised kid’s show.

A few weeks ago, one of my boys approached me and said, “Hey Dad, why don’t we just cancel the TV service? We hardly use it anyway?” The question was seemingly out of nowhere. I glanced at Dana who nodded approvingly, and a few seconds later, the four oldest members of our family decided unanimously we would cancel the cable. I was thankful for a son who pushed the rest of us to take a helpful step.

Haylee was the only one who hesitated a bit because of one show that she enjoyed after school. But after a moment of explanation, she accepted the news and emotionally moved on. Later that day, it was officially disconnected.

A few days later in Haylee’s Sunday School class, the teacher asked the kids to share one of the best gifts they had been given. Without hesitation, she raised her hand and said, “The best gift I’ve ever gotten was the cable TV being disconnected.” When I later asked her why she said that, she replied, “I’m just really glad we did that.”

Turns out the only one in the family who wanted to keep it felt deeply freed and impacted by its absence! It makes me wonder how many other times in my life my kids were hoping I would make a godly decision—waiting for me to take the step. It also reminded me that doing the right thing isn’t always popular at first, but is always blessed later!

Since then, not one of us has missed a single thing about TV, and every child in our family has shared positive impacts of the decision. Lesson learned—I should have done this long ago.

Second lesson learned—I could have saved a lot of money at Christmas by just giving Haylee a pair of scissors!

Before You Criticize Your Pastor…

caryschmidt — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 14:02:31 +0000

Ever noticed that some people relish the criticism of pastors? Like kids and candy—they addict themselves even though it’s rotting something in them. While choosing voluntarily to stay under his leadership, they commit themselves to finding and exploiting every possible imperfection. I’ve never understood this thinking. Selecting a pastor, only to proceed to condemn the selection doesn’t make sense. It’s a strange, sad little game that brings some bizarre satisfaction.

The next time you are tempted to join this crowd and participate in “roasted pastor” after Sunday services, take a moment to remember this list…

Remember the sacrifice he makes to be in the ministry—good pastors would be good at a lot of other things, and most of them could make a lot more money in secular employment. He stays in the ministry because he loves you!

Remember the biblical nurture he provides for your life and family—his study and prayer time have proven effective in feeding and nurturing your spiritual life. He labors in the Word so that your Christian life can be stronger.

Remember the qualities that caused you to appreciate his leadership—at some point you voluntarily placed yourself under his leadership and influence. Take a moment and remember the good qualities that originally led you to this decision!

Remember the victories he has led you towards in life—because of his leadership you’ve probably had a part in some personal and ministry victories—some joyful, abundant moments. Delight in those memories!

Remember the spiritual decisions you have made because of his influence—because of his preaching, you’ve probably avoided some traps, been spared some bad decisions, and seen some real spiritual growth. Take a moment to reflect on those decisions.

Remember that plenty of others are criticizing him—anybody can be a critic, because everybody is imperfect! Look long enough and you’ll find fault with everybody. Too many people join “the dark side.” There’s nothing virtuous or valiant about finding fault and pointing it out—any unspiritual nitwit can do it. It takes a lot more spiritual maturity and depth to be steadfastly committed to a perfect cause with an imperfect church family!

Remember he’s probably bearing burdens he cannot tell you about—outside of my petty little world, my pastor is probably dealing with big things—a man whose life is falling a part, a family on the brink of destruction, a dying loved one, a personal spiritual attack, a church member facing a trial, a child who’s been sexually abused, a wife whose husband just left. He can’t tell you about it all, but it’s still there and it’s all very, very real.

Remember he probably has information you don’t have—critics never have the full story, and usually they grossly distort the few details they do have. It’s their modus operandi! They don’t want the full story—because it removes their ability to imagine and distort it in their favor with their troll-ish followers. I used to believe everybody wanted the truth. Boy was that naive! The few times I’ve tried to approach a dedicated critic with the truth, they either ignore it, don’t believe it, or refuse to hear it. When you don’t understand a decision, just remember, the pastor probably sees a part of this picture that you can’t see.

Remember he would be by your bedside praying if you were sick—yes, even the critics are loved by the pastor. He would drop what he’s doing, leave the dinner table from his family, or change a day off just to be there to visit and pray with you.

Remember he would be standing by you if you faced a hard trial—he would pray, support, and strengthen you during a difficult time, even if he couldn’t know the details.

Remember he would be waiting with you if a family member was hanging between life and death—he would be sitting there, probably weeping with you, and praying for God to intervene with a miracle.

Remember he would be sitting beside you in a lonely courtroom—innocent or guilty, your pastor would be there to pray for the best and encourage you through the worst.

Remember he would give you counsel during a difficult decision—he would help you see through the fog of your own surroundings, sort through the options, and apply biblical principles for a wise decision.

Remember he would still love and support you if you completely failed—if you came to him with the worst news, right now, he would still love you and help you do the right thing in response. He would graciously sit down with you, your family, and those involved and help rebuild what is broken, restore what is damaged, and recover what is lost.

Remember the Lord said to acknowledge and remember him—This is really all God’s idea. Hebrews 13:7 says, “Remember them which have the rule over you, who have spoken unto you the word of God: whose faith follow, considering the end of their conversation.”

Remember he is God’s shepherding gift to your life—God says it this way in Ephesians 4:11, “And he gave some, apostles; and some, prophets; and some, evangelists; and some, pastors and teachers;”

Remember your critical spirit makes you and your family vulnerable—resisting God’s structure of authority is wrong for you just as it’s wrong for your children. Criticism of your spiritual authority opens the door for spiritual attack and it messes up your kids.

Remember no pastor on Earth is perfect—this is a no brainer. Your next church will have just as imperfect a pastor as your present church. Imperfect pastors are as epidemic as imperfect church members!

Remember he doesn’t have to be a pastor—he could walk away tomorrow. Many do. Many finally reach an end—tired, weary, and wounded. Many finally have enough. They realize they don’t have to put up with the public criticism. They can return to private life and live according to their own concerns. Don’t push your pastor that direction—plenty of others already are. Pull him the other direction with your encouragement!

Remember your criticism is more a reflection of your spirit than his faults—wrong-spirited criticism is a product of a impure heart, not an imperfect pastor. If your heart was pure, your criticism would not be criticism. It would be concern and it would be shared one on one with the person of concern. Critics don’t seek to resolve concerns and restore relationships—they seek to fester, stir up, and exaggerate issues. They relish turmoil—even if they have to fabricate it.

Remember your criticism ultimately hurts you—the spirit that drives criticism is like a festering cancerous sore of the soul. It robs joy, clouds vision, skews perspective, and destroys your ability to live joyfully and abundantly. Beyond the internal damage, criticism always damages your testimony. Wise people start avoiding you.

For the record—I don’t believe in hero worship. I don’t believe in dictatorial leadership. I would have no part of spiritual abuse or the manipulation of God’s people. These things are a blight on God’s original intent of spiritual leadership. They are unbiblical, man-centered, and just wrong. Having a biblical love and respect for a godly, servant-hearted, growing pastor is just right—from God’s Word. It is not man-worship. It isn’t blind. It isn’t mindless. It doesn’t violate the priesthood of every believer, the authority of every father, or the individual soul liberty of every person. It’s just wise.

The next time you want to criticize the sincere, godly man you call “Pastor,” remember this list. Stop and think about it. Someone wisely said, “Nobody ever erected a monument to a critic.” Take the high road of spiritual maturity and keep a right spirit. Over the long term, you’ll be glad you didn’t throw away your joy to such mindless, base behavior.

Benjamin Franklin said, “Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain—and most do.”

Teddy Roosevelt said, “It’s not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doers of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who was actually in the arena, whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and blood, who knows at best the triumph of high achievement and who if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat”

Hey, I have an idea—why not pick on someone who picks on you—like your dentist!

New Data about Kids and Media

caryschmidt — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 22:33:52 +0000

Several days ago the LA Times reported on a Kaiser Family Foundation study that showed kids are now averaging 53 hours per week in digital media, including TV, video games, cell phone, computer, etc. This does not include when kids are multitasking—perhaps using their phone and watching TV at the same time. When factoring those numbers, the usage jumps to about 75 hours per week—an astounding number.

The most interesting fact presented was the impact of parental oversight. When parents engage, set boundaries, and train their children, those same kids averaged 3 hours less per day—21 hours less in a week. That’s a pretty powerful difference.

God’s Word teaches us in Proverbs 29:15, “…a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.” The clarion call to parents in the midst of such a media saturated society is “train the children!” So many parents literally leave their children to themselves, turning them over to a reckless onslaught of harmful content coming from multiple directions. Kids left to themselves just don’t know what to do with this.

Removing all devices from our children’s reach is not the answer—that merely condemns them to eventual temptation and perhaps failure. How we must engage as parents—set limits, teach values, provide oversight, manage accountability, and train our children how to guard their hearts. If you allow it, you must understand it, manage it, and train your children how to honorably and biblically use the tools of the day.

Are your kids spending the equivalent of a full-time job using media? If so, it’s time to re-engage as a parent! Someday they will thank you for expressing such courageous love.

You can read the full LA Times article here: LA Times Story—Young People Spend 7hrs. 38 minutes on TV, Video Games, and Computer.

Defeating the Media Monster-Part 2

Cary Schmidt — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 23:44:20 +0000

Media will eat your family alive unless you tell it not to!

In part one we uncovered five challenges that modern media brings into our lives and homes. To beat the challenges, tame this monster, and prepare your children to have discernment and wisdom, may I make the following suggestions:

1. Build healthy relationships committed to purity and godliness—this is the foundation. Teach your children biblical principles of holiness and honorable living, and engage their hearts with real and abundant time together.

2. Get on a media learning curve—Just like driving a car—first you learn, then you teach. The principle is the same with media. Simply—if you allow it, you must learn it. You can’t afford to have media outlets or gadgets in your home that you do not understand. For instance, you must know everything your child can do with his cell phone—and if you allow it, you must teach it as well (text messaging, etc.).

3. Train your children in the proper use of each media tool you allow—Again, like driving, you wouldn’t toss your sixteen-year-old the keys and say, “Go figure it out.” A learner’s permit requires that you ride along first, showing the way and correcting the mistakes. While this is annoying to the teen and harrowing to the parent—staying alive makes it ultimately “worth it.” Take the same approach to media. Get in the experience and teach and train along the way—correcting, instructing, and nurturing with biblical wisdom.

4. Set ground-rules, protected entry-points, and check points—teach your child the rules of the road, install filtering software, and grab that cell-phone and ipod periodically just to monitor how it’s being used. This is essential, and there is a wide variety of services (some for free) that help parents monitor their children as they use tools like email, instant messaging, online activity, cell-phone texts, etc. In addition to this take advantage of helpful resources like review sites that inform parents of the content of movies, TV shows, etc. Get informed and stay informed.

5. Be familiar with every form of media in your child’s life—trust nothing when it comes to media—not disney, not the family channel, and certainly not internet friends. Know what music they listen to, what books they read, what shows they watch, what people they follow, and what they post. Make no apology—for you cannot train up a child unless you are immersed in this world with them.

6. Provide clear and biblical boundaries and limitations—you may opt completely out of one form of media or another. You may restrict emails to a short list of people you know. You may limit access to only a few websites. You will definitely need to set time limits. I can’t answer all of the possible scenarios, but the Holy Spirit can guide you to set the right limits on the way your family uses these forms of media.

7. Provide healthy alternatives to media—help your kids stay in balance by practicing moderation (Philippians 4:5). Lead your children to read, play games, learn an instrument, play a sport, develop a hobby, or find interests that don’t involve screen-savers and tweets.

8. At times, just unplug on purpose—have times when media is just put away, turned off, unplugged, or even taken away. For instance, if you really want to get a feel for how powerful your child’s cell phone is, take it away for a few days and read the text messages that come in. If this creates world war three, then Houston, we have a problem. If your children can survive without these things and if they don’t mind you looking at their world of communications, that’s a good sign that they are learning appropriateness and moderation. If they freak out—then that’s a good sign you need to be a lot more involved in the “train up” stuff.

Media will eat your family alive unless you tell it not to. Parent, it is possible to tame the media and technological tools of our lives. Better yet, it is possible to use them for good and for God. I hope you desire, as I do, to train up the next generation to use media in a way that pleases the Lord and advances His purposes. Don’t let the media monster rampage through your home. Bring it into containment—tell it where to be, what to be, and how to be—and don’t ever back down, even for a second! God speed in your quest!

Note: Share your insight below and any ideas you might have in dealing with media challenges! Also, think of someone you know who could benefit from these thoughts and encourage them in this area!

Defeating the Media Monster—Part 1

Cary Schmidt — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 14:11:21 +0000

Media will eat your family alive, unless you tell it not to!

I have a deep inner aversion to living things that crawl, creep, fly, or slither around and find their way into places they don’t belong. They bother me. They creep me out. I just want them dead as quickly as I can make it happen. It’s not really of fear, but of something that has more to do with dominance and my human right to “not be creeped out”! (After all, it’s in everybody’s basic rights—life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, and the freedom to be uncreeped!)

Not long ago, I had a bat in my office. Another time, a bird came flying in—yes, a BIRD—into my third-floor office! Shortly thereafter, a lizard showed up in a secretary’s office. And as you might imagine, these things not only hindered work flow, they significantly raised the threat level on the “creep-ometer.” They were nasty little living things that found their way into areas they didn’t belong. They disturbed and disrupted, and they had to be dealt with. And in each case—they were. (The sentence was “death by broomstick.”)

In much the same way, only on a spiritual level, the media of our society is constantly and forever trying to creep its way into places it doesn’t belong—in our hearts and homes. The tools of that media come in a wide variety—from TVs, to computers, to video game consoles, to cell phones, to iPods, to social websites and dozens of other helpful and potentially enjoyable gadgets and toys. The message of that media depends upon our day to day choices—who we communicate with, what we listen to, what we post, what we watch or play, and who we follow or befriend. The media itself isn’t all bad and the tools of media are not intrinsically wicked—it’s what that media can become and the unrestrained messages it brings with it that poses great risk.

Simply put: media will eat your family alive unless you tell it not to. When unrestrained, media can be like little roving creatures looking for a new place to settle. Uncontained, it will creep and crawl its way into every possible area of your life, family, and relationships—threatening a lot of good stuff along the way. In our society, media is Satan’s primary tool of communication and destruction—in spite of the good that modern technology can bring.

So what do Christian families do with so many varieties of media threats? There are two extremes. The first is to completely ignore the threat, letting each family member have complete media freedom. In this case media becomes a raging monster rampaging through a home with an insatiable appetite for destroying relationships and addicting hearts to sin and vice. The second extreme is unprincipled abstinence—the decision to remove all media from our lives without explanation or biblical training. This approach results in our children eventually facing the media monster alone in their adult lives with no biblical foundation on which to stand. In the first extreme, media becomes dominant in the home and relationships die early. In the second, media waits patiently to ravage an unprepared life later.

In a multimedia age, it’s time that parents and children engage in the day to day process of understanding, discerning, taming, and containing the media beast. Proverbs 22:6 teaches us, “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” The process of “training up” is a time-consuming, fully-engaged, active, and deliberate course of action. Yet, I find that few parents have intentionally determined to “train up” their children in defeating one of the greatest threats to their future spiritual well-being—mass media (including airwaves, music, internet, video games, cell-phones and all that comes with them.)

Some parents desire to “train up” but they feel overwhelmed or are not sure where to begin. Yet, the risk is too great not to jump on this beast and ride it into submission. Honestly, we’re all still learning and media is ever changing, but for the next page, let’s examine the big challenges media brings, and then some practical steps to defeating and taming this monster. There are five huge challenges that media brings into our homes:

First, the challenge of perversion—whether it’s a TV show, an inappropriate website, or a profane facebook posting, the media of our culture has given a loud and long voice to a massive amount of perversion. It’s difficult to even buy a gallon of milk without having to see and hear the filth of our world being broadcast or displayed. Even the conservative news outlets are shameless when it comes to advertising or stories having to do with sexual matters. This challenge threatens our purity, and God commands us to flee youthful lusts (Ephesians 4:29) and to be wise to that which is good and simple concerning evil (Romans 16:19).

Second, is the challenge of deception—the media of our culture is constantly heralding Satan’s lies about love, happiness, and life. Additionally, the internet gives someone a lot of opportunities to “be someone else” or to participate in gossip, slander, and harmful chat. The deception of anonymity has drawn many into second lives, inappropriate relationships, and deceptive communications. But God tells us in James 4:8 to cleanse our hands, purify our hearts from double-mindedness and draw nigh to God once again.

Third, is the challenge of obsession—emails, twitter, blogs, cell phones, video games, internet chat, forums, and a variety of other media tend to become dominant in our lives. Frankly, these mediums impact us in ways we don’t even fully understand yet. Science has only just begun to examine the power that these things can have over us and the developmental results over time. Practically speaking, in counseling, I’ve seen that these things can literally become obsessions—almost holding us hostage and causing us to disengage from real relationships. But in 1 Corinthians 6:12 God instructs us not to be “brought under the power of any”—speaking of things that may not be evil, but also may not be expedient (or helpful).

Fourth is the challenge of disconnection—media is so dominant in some families that it has completely over-run real family connections. A healthy marriage relationship or parent/child relationship requires a close heart connection—the product of time, eye contact, heart-to-heart conversation, frequent affection, and real-time interaction. Abundance of media literally kills time, robs focus, shortens attention span, and makes human relationships seem boring and shallow. But Ephesians 4:32 and 6:1-4 teaches us to develop loving, tenderhearted, nurturing relationships in our homes.

Fifth, is the challenge of emptiness—this is the result of the first four challenges. When media is allowed to “take over,” everyone in the family is familiar with everything in the world except each other, and that leaves the heart very, very empty and hungry. Solomon said in Ecclesiastes 1:17 that he gave his heart to know madness and folly and ultimately is was nothing but, “vexation of spirit.”

Stay tuned for part two of this post when we will examine eight practical steps we can take to protect ourselves and those we love!

Note: Please share your thoughts and insight regarding the challenges of media in today’s society, and consider someone else who might benefit from these posts and encourage them in this area!

New Research on Social Networking

Cary Schmidt — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 15:16:08 +0000

Both TIME magazine and the San Francisco Chronicle recently reported on some dangers surfacing behind the many hours that teens are spending in social networking. Here are a few quotes from the San Francisco Chronicle article that relayed the results of a poll of 1,000 teens and 1,000 parents:

“From behind their bedroom doors, more than 1 out of every 10 teenagers has posted a nude or seminude picture of themselves or others online—a “digital tattoo” that could haunt them for the rest of their lives.

A quarter of the young people polled had posted something they later regretted, made fun of others or created a false identity online.

While teens are spending more and more time on social networking sites like Facebook and MySpace—with 22 percent saying they check their sites more than 10 times a day—they don’t seem to be aware of the long-term personal havoc they could create with a click of a button.

And their parents generally have little idea about what their children are up to, the poll found.

[Social Networking] feels less personal; it’s easier to do mean things… It’s almost simulated behavior. You can be risky and do riskier things in a digital context.

Yet there can be enormous consequences: That alcohol-related post-prom picture? Someday an employer or college admission officer might come across it with a quick click on Google. Hitting delete to get rid of a questionable photo won’t help. The digital imprint never goes away and could be flitting across computer screens around the world.

Whether we like it or not, kids live in the 24/7 digital world… It affects virtually every aspect of their lives.

‘It’s a playground with no parental supervision,’ said Dr. Dimitri A. Christakis, George Adkins Professor of Pediatrics at the University of Washington, who found in a study released earlier this year that 54 percent of teens demonstrate risky behavior online.

[Among parents] there’s definitely a not-my-kid syndrome.

Technology doesn’t create new behaviors, it just may exploit them.”

Teen social networking by the numbers:

51 Percentage of teens who check their sites more than once a day.
22 Percentage who check their sites more than 10 times a day.
39 Percentage who have posted something they later regretted.
37 Percentage who have used the sites to make fun of other students.
25 Percentage who have created a profile with a false identity.
24 Percentage who have hacked into someone else’s social networking account.
13 Percentage who have posted nude or seminude pictures or videos of themselves or others online.

In a TIME magazine article entitled “What Facebook Users Share” recent studies point to lower grades as a common trait among people who use Facebook extensively. It’s not that Facebook would be the cause, but that extended time and use of social networking could impact attention span and other factors that influence grades and relationships.

The quote that most arrested my attention was from UCLA neuroscientist Gary Small:

“He warns of a decreased ability among devotees of social networks and other modern technology to read real-life facial expressions and understand the emotional context of subtle gestures. Young people are particularly at risk for these problems, he writes, because young minds tend to be the most sensitive, as well as the most exposed, to digital technology.”

The article warns of the tendency of teens to obsess over these technologies, giving too much time and influence to them. Amazingly, research continually reveals that parents have little knowledge of what their kids do online.

In the next week or so I will be posting two articles for parents and spiritual leaders related to controlling media—including social networking. May God give us wisdom to train up the next generation to be guarded and discerning in these areas!

The Right Spirit Toward Spiritual Leaders

Cary Schmidt — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 18:40:58 +0000

There are two very different attitudes towards spiritual leaders. Some Christians seemingly never see anything good, and in fact have given themselves over to criticism and fault-finding. While other Christians opt to be prayerfully and joyfully supportive and encouraging toward leaders. Which position have you taken in life? Just a couple of quick thoughts to challenge your thinking:

1. Spiritual Leaders Need Encouragement and Support—they are just as human as you and I, and they have opted to carry a larger burden in life—the burden of public scrutiny and influence. Influence brings with it both blessings and burdens, but the burdens are greater. A leader’s easiest path would be to leave the podium and re-enter private life away from the scrutiny of others. If you have a leader who has embraced the burden of influence, make that burden lighter by being an encourager.

2. My Spiritual Leaders Have Always Looked Past More Faults in Me Than I Have in Them—critics always miss their own faults because they are so consumed with the faults of others. Encouragers are not blind to the faults of leaders, they just recognize that the ground is level at the cross. I’m grateful that God has filled my years with spiritual leaders and influencers who have been patient with me. They have always put up with more faults in me than I have in them—that’s for sure. Before you get too critical of a leader, take a close look at what your leader has to put up with in you.

3. Anybody Can Find Fault, but Wisdom and Maturity Chooses Encouragement—critics amuse me because they really think that they are the only people who really “get it.” Everybody else is an idiot. They forget that anyone with an IQ of 10 can find a problem or a fault. Faults are everywhere in all of us—welcome to the fallen human race. The only reason anything happens for Christ is that people choose to love each other and labor together in spite of their faults.

4. Whatever You Do, Don’t Join the Dark Side—unmet expectations, unrealistic expectations, or a lack of focus on Christ can lead to deep bitterness. That root of resentment will defile your whole life, rob your joy, and defile others as you share it, gossip about, post about, etc. What a tragic way to live even five minutes of life! Time is too precious to give to such destructive living.

Recently I was reading a biography of a great influencer. The author shared this quote about this spiritual leader who had greatly influenced her. It makes a nice period to the point of this post:

“Keep your eyes only on Jesus. Never, ever, ever eulogize spiritual leaders and put all of your confidence and trust in them. It is so easy to criticize and find flaws in leaders, especially those who are doing the most for God’s kingdom. It is so easy to be critical and judgmental. There can be hurt feelings, disillusionment, and bitter roots that begin to grow. Satan is at the constant ready to infiltrate, weaken, undermine, ridicule, hurt us, and destroy the effectiveness of God’s servants.

I think of the words of the chorus: ‘Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in his wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace.’ If you are carrying around a grudge or hurt feeling against one of God’s servants, get rid of it. Confess, repent, and change your focus.”

Today—why not live your life with a right spirit—a spirit of support and encouragement toward someone in spiritual leadership!

“Finally, brethren, pray for us, that the word of the Lord may have free course, and be glorified, even as it is with you:”
(2 Thessalonians 3:1)

The Top Ten Dating Mistakes Parents Make (Part 2)

caryschmidt — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 12:28:43 +0000

How Parents Let Their Kids Go Too Far, Too Fast, Too Soon

This is part two in a series of articles that flow from years of dealing with situations that arose out of well-meaning but short-sighted parental decisions. We all have blind spots, so these things are shared with a spirit of sincerity and humility to help parents and student leaders consider walking circumspectly.

To read the first three mistakes, visit part one of this post. Let’s press on and see the next three mistakes that parents make regarding their teenager’s romantic attractions:

4. They trust other parents. This one is huge. Not everybody in your church has your standards. Not every marriage is strong, and not every Christian parent agrees with the church, the pastor, or the preaching. Simple advice—don’t blindly trust parents you don’t know very, very well. Don’t assume that their standards are yours. They probably aren’t. That doesn’t mean you should be rude or disrespectful. You can be kind, friendly, and loving—but you don’t have to trust someone you don’t know well, and you don’t have to explain why—to them, to your teen, or to anyone else. If you don’t have absolute peace, trust your God-given instincts and just say “no.”

5. They allow perpetually open lines of communication—phone, texting, emailing, etc. This one is huge too. We live in a day of perpetual communication. We can be in constant contact with someone across great distances. This is often a blessing, but for teen dating relationships, it is a big “game changer” from when we were growing up. To say it succinctly, relationships grow through time and attention. The more time and attention you give any one person, the closer the relationship becomes. For teens this means rapid imbalance, idolatry, relational addiction, emotional dependency, and ultimately physical and moral devastation. To allow teens to be in constant communication through being together, then being on the phone, then texting, emailing, social networking, twittering, or even note writing (that long lost art) we allow their hearts to become consumed with a temporal, early attraction that has little hope of becoming anything but a snare.

Prudent parents put a strong brake on this until a serious dating relationship is appropriate—closer to marriage. In our home, for our boys, there is no phone calling, no texting, and no unsupervised communication with girls. We read every email coming and going, and we allow no more than two per week. And to be honest, the guys appreciate our oversight and accept it with a great spirit.

6. They allow the couple to be in a different room in the house. How often I have dealt with serious problems that began when two teens were in another room of the house while parents sat just a few feet away, but out of sight. Why would we do this? If your teenager must be alone and doesn’t want the kind of friendship that can be interactive with the rest of the family, there’s a problem. Teens don’t ever need to be alone with a boyfriend or girlfriend, not even when chaperones are nearby but out of sight. Make friendships a family event.

This past Christmas my son planned to give a young lady a Christmas gift, and she had one for him as well. When the gift exchange was about to take place, unbeknownst to my son, both sets of parents assembled to enjoy the moment. We caught them off guard a little, but what a delight it was so see them laugh and proceed in giving each other their gifts. Matters got even funnier when both dads grabbed the Christmas cards and began to read them. (If you’re a parent and thinking right now that I’m out of my mind, keep reading.) Our teens giggled again, and said nothing of it. It was both cute and cool at the same time! How great that two young people could have that kind of open friendship in front of their parents. I believe that pleases the Lord.

7. They take vacations with a “friend.” I know, what a kill-joy I am. Vacations can cause us to drop our guard. Often a vacation involves swimming, alone time, and plenty of opportunities to grow emotionally and physically closer than two teens should be. Over-familiarity between teenagers is always a bad thing. Even driving in a car, sitting too close for ten hours, can do a lot of damage. Parent, it’s just not worth it. I promise you. Your teen needs time with you on vacation—not more time with a boy or girl friend. Let the boyfriends and girlfriends stay home until engagement is near—and even then, be very vigilant.

These the next four mistakes that often lead to terrible outcomes. There are 3 more that we’ll discuss soon. For now, consider these and ask God for insight. Feel free to share your thoughts or insight to contribute to this article.

Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go:

Proverbs 4:23 Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.

The Top Ten Dating Mistakes Parents Make (Part 1)

caryschmidt — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 14:09:46 +0000

How Parents Let Their Kids Go Too Far, Too Fast, Too Soon

This is the first in a series of three articles.

Over the years, the Lord has allowed me the privilege to serve families and students in their journey together. Hundreds of teens have graduated from our student ministry, and the vast majority of them are living faithfully for the Lord—all by God’s grace and to His glory. In the day to day efforts, my wife and I have been involved as counselors, mentors, and sometimes disciplinarians in literally hundreds of budding and developing “dating relationships.” Not long ago, we sat down together and listed the ten most common mistakes that we see parents make when it comes to their teenager’s romantic attractions.

At the start, I must say, I don’t like the word dating. It carries with it too many varying connotations and secular implications. For the purpose of this article, I’m referring to the 7th-12th grade age groups (and in some cases, early college) when young people tend to become attracted to each other—too fast, too far, too soon. Unfortunately, all too often, when we have helped families through moral failures, we have counseled parents who, albeit unwittingly and unintentionally, indirectly facilitated serious temptation for their kids. In simple terms, they dropped their guard.

Thus, the Lord placed on my heart to put these “mistakes” into print—that parents and student ministry leaders might consider them, teach them, and avoid them.

While I’m not pro-dating for high school students, I’m also realistic enough to understand that God-given desires and attractions naturally awaken during the teen years. Kids are going to be attracted to each other, and there’s nothing we can do to change that—nor would we want to.

If we “ban” all communication and contact, they respond by taking their attractions underground—hiding them from authorities and sneeking around rules. If we lower the bar and drop our guard, then dangerous emotions and physical desires will destroy them. So I have long written and taught that we should strike a careful, biblical balance—teaching and nurturing our kids in how to manage these emotions and how to keep their friendships healthy and Christ-honoring until the Lord intersects their paths with the right person at the right time.

With that foundation, let’s consider the ways that parents often allow their children’s relationships to go too far, too fast, too soon. Just to be clear, these are the “doors of temptation that were left open” in many difficult counseling sessions we’ve conducted.

1. They let a sibling be the chaperone. I’m assuming you already have a standard that your teenager is never to be alone with the opposite gender. To put it mildly, siblings make horrible chaperones! Younger siblings are easy to deceive and honest older siblings are not always as vigilant as they should be. If you could sit in my office and see the tears, you would never, never ever allow a sibling to chaperone your teenager’s “friendships.”

2. They go to bed when a friend is still in the house. Usually this mistake follows closely with the first. Parents get tired and they feel bad about making a friend leave so they can go to bed. So they leave someone else in charge and sign off for the evening—often while the other parents are presuming adult oversight is in place. This is never a good thing. You have two choices—make the friend go home (probably the best choice) or stay up and be vigilant. Whatever you do, don’t go to bed.

3. They allow “minimal” physical contact. We tend to reason that “our kids are so much better than we were.” We think that holding hands or minimal touching will generally be safe. We couldn’t be more wrong. Teens are not equipped to deal with adult physical desires that grow stronger with even “minimal physical contact.” By allowing what we feel to be “minimal touching,” we reason that we’re helping them. We’re actually enlarging their temptation a hundred fold! Beware parent. What you allow them to do “in front of you” will be far worse behind your back, and you may be placing them on a fast track to moral failure.

Well that’s the first three mistakes that often lead to terrible outcomes. There are 7 more that we’ll discuss soon. For now, think about these and ask God for insight. Parents, stand guard for your child’s heart and seek His wisdom when it comes to establishing healthy relationships. Feel free to share your thoughts or insight to contribute to this article.

Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go:

Proverbs 4:23 Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.

Book Review-What’s On Your Mind

caryschmidt — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 00:36:40 +0000

Discover the Power of Biblical Thinking

A New Book by Dr. John Goestch

Do you desire to grow in your understanding of how your brain assimilates information, and how God’s Word can transform your thinking and renew your mind? The pages of this book are a MUST READ for every Christian who is desiring to win the battle for the mind. As I pre-read it some months before it went to press, it stirred me, challenged me, and equipped me in a great way. It was a GREAT read—very practical, very biblical, and very helpful.

Striving Together has just released this 184 page paperback book from Dr. Goetsch. As he was writing this material, he also taught it at Lancaster Baptist Church on three consecutive Wednesday nights. It was POWERFUL and extremely helpful.

I plan to use it several ways:

First, I’m going to lead my sons through it personally. We’ve done this with a book on Manhood, we have “The Steps of a Good Man” waiting in line, and we’re going to do it with this book. I love the positive, uplifting tone of the book and the content.

Second, I’m going to use it extensively in counseling. If you counsel individuals in matters of thoughts, purity, and biblical thinking, this book will be a fantastic resource to place into their hands, lead them through, etc. It contains review questions/study guide at the end of each chapter which make for a great “assignment” between sessions. In all of my counseling I typically give assignments. If I can’t get a person working on their own, then my counseling time is usually pointless.

Third, I’m going to teach it! We will release this book in a Sunday School curriculum format during 2009, but as it is, it makes GREAT teaching material. It would be very useful for a Sunday School class, a family devotion, a school Bible curriculum, or a Bible Study series for a church family.

It’s just great stuff and very needed in a world where our thought lives are under constant assault! It’s a great, solidly biblical resource on a much needed topic. Below is the link to find out more about it.

This book can be reviewed or purchased here: What’s On Your Mind Book

Understanding Hidden Dangers Part 4

Cary Schmidt — Wed, 04 Apr 2007 08:08:51 +0000

A Four Part Series for Discerning Parents

In this final segment, I want to touch on an area that I would call “passive behavioral dangers.” Perhaps these things are more warning signs of deeper dangers than dangers themselves, but either way, these things deserve our parental awareness and attention.

These dangers or warning signs are harder to see because they are passive in nature. In other words, they do not involve what the young person is doing as much as what he is not doing—what he is avoiding. Often these dangers are missed because, as parents or authorities, we’re asking the wrong questions. Rather than merely asking “what’s wrong with it?” we should be asking “what’s right with it?” or “is this as right as it could be?” It’s in asking these questions that these behaviors are suddenly clearly seen.

In James 4:17 the Bible says, “Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin.” Often the proof of a wrong spiritual direction is seen in “what they are avoiding” or what they are choosing to “not do.” There are many times that a teenager deliberately avoids right without actually engaging blatantly in wrong. If our parenting philosophy is based upon a “they’re not doing anything wrong” mentality, we will miss important warning signs.

What are these passive behaviors? There are many, far more than we could list in this article, but here are a few of the more prominent ones.

Dressing Sloppy for Church
While I have strong, biblical opinions on this one, let’s assume that there isn’t anything “wrong” with this. I would almost guarantee you that the same kids who dress sloppy in your church would not dress so for their prom, their friend’s wedding, or their grandfather’s funeral. The simple, clear statement they are “passively” making is this: “I respect my school’s dance, my friends, and my dead relatives more than I respect God.” I realize that God accepts us as we are, but the Bible is also clear that our outward appearance makes a statement about the condition of our hearts.

Sitting in the Back of Church with Friends
What does this say? There are some teens that automatically gravitate toward the farthest possible position from the pulpit and from well-lit areas. Again, we could reason that there’s nothing wrong with this, but when there are hundreds of empty seats closer to the pulpit, it certainly could be “more right!”

Sitting Disrespectfully
Some teens suddenly have serious posture issues any time something biblical is taking place. They sit normally with friends, at ball games, etc. but any time the Bible is opened or an authority figure stands before them, they assume a physical posture of resistance for all to see. Let’s call this what it is—direct disrespect toward the Lord.

Choosing Carnal Friends
As a parent you have the responsibility to guide and direct your child’s choices of friends, but there’s a deeper issue. Gravitating toward backslidden friends is a huge warning signal of a wayward heart. More than merely trying to control the friends (the fruit issue) we must deal with the root issue of a right heart with God. A heart that sincerely seeks to please God will naturally connect with similar hearts.

Hanging Out in Isolated Areas
You may think that teenagers just like to hang out with friends. This is true. But those with pure hearts and clear consciences do so in well-lit areas and don’t mind being around adults. When your child immediately darts for the darkest or most isolated area to sequester with friends, your spiritual warning alarms should go off—something isn’t right with this scenario! Teens who do this are always trying to hide something.

Avoiding the Pastor or Spiritual Influences
It’s always a bad sign when your teenager resents or avoids those who would influence them for righteousness. There are plenty of cop-outs on this one, but the simple fact is, a pure and sincere teenager will always appreciate sincere leaders who are doing their best to teach them and direct them toward the Lord. Shaking a hand, acknowledging their existence even in a small way, or writing a note is always a good sign of a spiritually open heart.

Secluding to Their Rooms for Extended Periods of Time
Again, people think that teens just “want to do this.” We have accepted the avoidance of family as a normal “teen thing.” Teens ought to want to spend time with the family. They ought to be asking you, “Hey, when can we have some family time?” If you are not close to your teenager, don’t accept it! Take the door off the hinges if you have to, but give focused time and prayer to rebuilding the relationship that’s been lost.

There are many more, but often these passive behaviors just look “normal” or “teenish” to unsuspecting parents and authorities. We have lowered the bar and allowed Satan to gain ground in hearts. It’s time that we start seeing these passive behaviors as warning signs of a deeper issue. It’s time that we engage the wicked one and win back the impressionable hearts of our children. May God give you strength and wisdom in the battle as you lovingly confront hidden dangers in young lives.

Understanding Hidden Dangers Part 3

Cary Schmidt — Fri, 05 Jan 2007 06:21:41 +0000

A Four Part Series of Articles for Discerning Parents

Through our last two articles we have been seeking to see what others do not or choose not to see. We’re asking the Lord to give us spiritual discernment and to enlighten the eyes of our understanding with regards to the hidden dangers our teenagers face. In this article I want to move on to the second serious area of dangers in young lives.

I choose to call these dangers “Obsessive, Compulsive Dangers.” There are many behaviors in our technologically advanced culture that could not be considered sinful or wicked on the surface, but by their very nature they can become obsessive and compulsive—or addictive. In other words, these behaviors become dominant, controlling, and often, subversive influences in the lives of both young people and parents.

Before we find out what they are, I want to state two important facts. First, some of these things in moderation are innocent and some are even helpful! Second, teens don’t live in a world of “moderation.” Not only do they not know what the word means, they just don’t do anything “moderately.” They obsess. Whether it’s a song, a boyfriend or girlfriend, a TV show, a skateboard, a video game, or a clothing style—they major in extremism. Teens are intensely faddish. While they are supposed to grow out of it, frankly some don’t and it is our responsibility as parents to teach them to live soberly and with biblical moderation. We must teach them to manage these potentially harmful behaviors with godly wisdom.

Almost anything can become an idol, but in an effort to keep the list short, here are just a few things that are currently dominating today’s youth culture in a negative way.

Internet Surfing/Gaming – A short study of technology will reveal that the more time we connect with the internet, the less time we connect with each other. Beware of the way that Satan tries to replace real family relationships with “cyber-life!” More importantly, don’t allow your teen to use any of the internet without your immediate presence.

Chat Rooms and Social Networking Sites – Most chat rooms and social networking sites are either blatantly perverse or computerized contention. I realize there are exceptions, and there should be. For young people and parents alike, these become highly obsessive and highly dangerous. Take three seconds and think about it—you probably have far more important things to do than “internet chatting.”

Text Messaging – What ever happened to the days when people actually talked to each other? Where are the guys that will actually speak honorably with a young lady face to face rather than texting her from his bedroom at midnight? More importantly, why do so many parents have no clue and no record of what and to whom their kids are communicating through their incessant texting. Again—this is a rather innocent tool that becomes an unhealthy obsession.

Video Gaming – In our culture, video games have become a replacement for home relationships and this is greatly limiting our children’s potential. I have no problem with fun in moderation, but watch the time, the music, the content, and the extremes in this area.

Skate Boarding/Extreme Sports – The sad part of the extreme sports scene is that it’s not merely about fun—it’s about a cult-like lifestyle, rock music, and living wildly. There maybe nothing wrong with a snowboard or motorcycle, but often the accompanying lifestyle must be carefully avoided. Guard the heart of your child.

Dating/Obsessive Friendships – During the teen years, obsession with boys or girls can become a growth-halting factor. Parents must vigilantly strike a balance between allowing normal boy/girl friendships with some mild attraction and limiting those feelings from becoming enlarged and dominant in the heart of a student. In addition to this, young people often pick one friend and latch on to that friend in an obsessive and unhealthy way. These kinds of dominant friendships can take priority over the Lord, over family, and over important life values. Parents, you are the gatekeepers.

This is just a short list of behaviors that often become “possessive” of our kids in dangerous ways. Parents, be mindful that the Holy Spirit has the only right of “possession” in the heart of your teen. Don’t allow these types of things to crowd out vital relationships with God and family.

The Bible calls these things “folly” which means silliness at a simple level or at a morally perverse level. Folly is whatever diverts your teenager from godliness. God also calls these things “strongholds,” which might be considered, “anything that tries to hold on strongly when you try to tear it down.”

Parent, be wise and be diligent to teach your teen to use innocent technology and to balance friendships and interests with great caution and moderation.

Understanding Hidden Dangers Part 2

Cary Schmidt — Mon, 20 Nov 2006 14:02:20 +0000

A Four Part Series of Articles for Discerning Parents

In last months article we began a four-part series on the hidden dangers that Satan uses to drive a wedge between a teenager’s heart and spiritual things. These are the things that sometimes appear innocent or faddish on the surface, but in reality they are “back-doors” into the heart of a teen, and they give way to spiritual strongholds that often catch parents by surprise.

As we ask the Lord for discernment, I believe there are three primary “kinds” of hidden dangers that catch families by surprise.

The first hidden danger is what I would call “Satanic Danger.” These things don’t always appear to be directly “satanic” on the surface. But clearly, they have a direct link to satanic or demonic influences in the heart.

Ephesians 6:12 teaches us clearly “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” Again in 2 Corinthians 10:4, Paul wrote, “…(For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;)”

Lest you think I’m merely being sensational or spooky—take God at His Word. Accept the truth that there is a dark, spiritual enemy fighting hard for the heart of your teenager. Our goal as parents and youth workers must be to vigilantly stand guard over young hearts—to recognize that we fight an invisible foe who is aggressive and cunning. This battle is spiritual! We must open our eyes and see our true enemy for who he is—for only then can we resist his attacks.

While it seems the Devil’s tricks are innumerable, there are a few that stand out blatantly to me in my ongoing work with families. What are these “Satanic Dangers?” Let’s examine a few.

Role Playing Games. There are many, but the most popular are Pokemon, YuGiOh, and Dungeons and Dragons. These types of games are purely satanic in their origin, but they are cleverly disguised. Without a doubt they open the heart to spiritual oppressive influences and they become strongholds in young lives. Parent, act now to guard your children and rid their hearts of any traces of these types of games.

Dark or Violent Online or Video Games. These games become obsessions. They possess the heart at a level that only the Holy Spirit should, and they often become the breeding ground for anger, rebellion, and enormous future problems. Be intimately aware of every game your child plays and make sure it isn’t remotely connected with dark kinds of violence. I’d say you’re pretty safe with football, basketball, and PGA golf! Suffice to say, we’ve come a long way since “Super Mario Brothers!”

Heavy Metal and Dark Music. While there are many forms of harmful music, this kind is blatantly and unapologetically satanic in nature. The performers, writers, and producers will openly admit this. If this has a place in your teen’s life, it is a direct link to satanic influences and you must act immediately to remove it.

Fascination with Wicked Men or Events. Why do kids idolize Hitler, draw Satanic symbols on their notebooks, and relish horrific historic events? It stems directly from demonic activity in the heart. There’s no other rational explanation for these weird fascinations. This is obviously more of a fruit than a root, but beware if your teen is into these things—something very dark is happening in the heart.

Association with Dark-Minded Friends. Many parents don’t feel that they have the right to control their child’s friendships, but you must! If your teen gravitates to the wrong crowd, you must intervene. You must fight to regain influence in their hearts and to rebuild the damaged relationship. Kids usually choose these friends because their relationships at home are nearly non-existent. Rebuild your relationship and ask God to break down this stronghold.

Fascination with Dark or Violent Entertainment. Demonic and cultic movies, dark TV shows, and Stephen King novels are nothing to play with. These things all have a strong and satanic affect on the heart. The entertainment value or emotional thrill surely isn’t worth the spiritual danger! These things corrupt the heart and numb it from being sensitive to God.

Media about Witchcraft, Demonism, or Sorcery. The most popular book series for children in today’s culture is the Harry Potter series. Witchcraft and sorcery are dangerous in any form, no matter how entertaining or playful. While these forms of entertainment appear to be mere fantasy, there’s a reality behind it all that is deeply dangerous.

Fixation with Wearing Black. Again, this is more of an indicator than a cause, but it is enough to cause deep concern. I’m not saying there’s something sinful about wearing black. I’m saying that Satanic involvement in young lives often manifests itself with a fixation for black. Visit a mall and study the crowd dressed in black. Years ago I did a funeral for a young teen killed in an automobile accident. At the graveside I spent an hour talking with one of her satanist friends—who confirmed with me that teens who consistently dress in black are almost always involved in the occult. This is commonly known among teens, and it’s time that parents clue in to it.

Fixation with Death, Violence, and Darkness. Look for any kind of personal infatuation with death or darkness—whether through friends, entertainment, or even personal drawings crammed into school notebooks. These things indicate a Satanic influence at the core and require immediate, prayerful intervention

Black Makeup—Especially Heavy around the Eyes. The first thing a young lady does when becoming involved with satanic music or godless influences is to place heavy outliner or dark makeup around the eyes. Bottom line—I’ve never seen this on the face of a godly, growing teenager. It always indicates a deep spiritual struggle.

These warnings may sound like paranoia or extreme-ism, but don’t be fooled. Satanic dangers open the heart and expose it to demonic oppression. Be aware of these often “hidden” issues, and ask God to give you power and courage as you intervene by His grace. Next month we’ll discover the second kind of hidden danger. May God give you wisdom in the battle!