Encouraging Words from Cary Schmidt » counseling

Spiritual Weapons for Wayward Kids

caryschmidt — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 06:58:03 +0000

What can you do when your grown children begin to stray spiritually? I’ve seen a lot of parents hurt, mystified, and shaken by sudden and radical spiritual changes in the lives of their adult children. I realize, one day I may be one of them—and so could you.

In these moments, some parents grasp for control—trying to maintain a mythical strangle-hold of childhood authority. This always escalates a situation to become worse and creates greater distance relationally and spiritually. In a wild swing to the other extreme—some parents abandon their post of parental influence. They mentally, emotionally, and spiritually disconnect with an “oh well” resignation, as if there is nothing they can really do. Others respond in anger—returning hurt for hurt.

Recently, Dana and I prayerfully and fearfully sat down with some parents who were facing circumstances in which we all felt powerless. Together, we rediscovered the weapons God had given us to fight battles that are far beyond our human control. And together, we saw God work a miracle. These are the weapons that God gives us all to use against impossible circumstances:

Unconditional Love and Acceptance—regardless what my child does, how my child hurts me, or how far out of bounds my child behaves—I will choose to respond with Christ-like compassion and unconditional love. This is a powerful weapon that speaks to the heart and the conscience. By the way, acceptance of a person does not equal approval of sin.

Godly Grace—regardless of what my child has done, I extend grace—unmerited favor. Just as grace is God’s response to my sin, grace will be my response to my child’s sin. Grace is always undeserved, and is the most powerful resource for creating an environment where repentence and change are possible.

Intercessory Prayer—this weapon brings all the powers of Heaven to work in the situation. It is the single most powerful and yet most neglected response to any strained relationship.

God’s Word—opinions and personal preferences matter little, but the principles of God’s Word are powerful. When battles of the will only escalate a situation, the principles of God’s Word speak to the heart with the potential of lasting life change.

Patient Endurance—change takes time. Repentence is rarely instantaneous. Parents who win these battles never give up (emphasis on NEVER.) They faithfully and persistently use these weapons until the battle is won.

These are weapons of the Spirit. Think about it:

Weapons of flesh will react, weapons of the Spirit will respond.
Weapons of flesh will lash out. Weapons of the Spirit will reach out.
Weapons of flesh desire retribution. Weapons of the Spirit desire reconciliation.
Weapons of flesh will seek control. Weapons of the Spirit will seek influence.
Weapons of flesh will make demands. Weapons of the Spirit will make pleas.
Weapons of flesh will acuse. Weapons of the Spirit will accept.
Weapons of flesh will return hurt. Weapons of the Spirit will return grace.
Weapons of flesh will argue. Weapons of the Spirit will reason.

Here they are again: unconditional love, godly grace, intercessory prayer, God’s Word, and patient endurance.

Take hope, parent! If you are facing impossible circumstances and you feel hopeless and powerless—there is much you can do to fight a spiritual battle for your wayward child! God’s work is not finished in your child’s heart, and God’s Word is still powerful to change lives!

In reality, these weapons are effective in any broken or strained relationship. About the time you think there’s nothing you can do, about the time you want to over-react or fight in the flesh—these are the only weapons that can truly make a difference. May God give us wisdom to fight our relational battles in the wisdom of His Word and the power, and filling of His Holy Spirit.

Repost: 3 Reasons to Get Good Advice

caryschmidt — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 04:01:51 +0000

Isn’t it amazing how often people venture into major life-changing decisions without getting any outside, biblical advice. Why do we do this to ourselves?

Sometimes we fear that a counselor will have a private agenda and won’t counsel us honestly. At other times, we presume to know what our counselors will say, and rationalize it away without even talking to them. But the most common reason we don’t get advice is because we would rather not hear what we already know. Self deception is a scary thing—we would rather be wrong and fantasize that things will work out, than really build a good decision with plenty of outside, biblical advice.

God’s Word is clear—Proverbs 11:14, “Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety.”

God instructs us to bring in a multitude of counsellors on our decisions, but I find that many Christians sell godly counsel short—they don’t get the full picture of how valuable good advice can be. There are three huge dynamics in play when getting counsel. It’s not merely about getting a “yes” or “no” on a particular decision. It’s bigger than that, so let’s break it down:

1. Counsel helps define a right decision—this is the first and perhaps biggest aspect of getting advice—just determining whether a decision is right or not. I would never make a major decision in life without a team of people standing behind me saying, “Yes, that’s the right move!” It’s not about being unduly dependent upon others to make my decisions. It’s about having confirmation from the collective wisdom of a godly team of advisors.

2. Counsel helps to define the right process—we often miss this. It’s very easy to do the right thing the wrong way! Getting biblical advice is a great way to put a plan together. It’s not enough just to do the right thing—it needs to be done the right way, and a team of wise advisors will help craft a plan of attack that will give the right decision the right process.

3. Counsel helps to define the right timing—finally, it’s possible to do the right thing the right way, but at the wrong time! For instance, a young person might have found the right person and have the right plan for marriage, but the timing can be way off. Getting counsel is sometimes about waiting for God to prove the right time.

There’s nothing better than doing the right thing, the right way, at the right time! Getting godly, biblical counsel is about putting together this kind of decision. It’s a fail-safe way of finding and doing God’s will. Are you willing to hear what you don’t want to hear? Are you willing to define the right process? Are you willing to find the right time?

These three perspectives of counsel have proven helpful in our Senior High, College and Career, and Single Adult ministries. Perhaps they can be helpful if you counsel or teach others. Feel free to pass these concepts on to others as the Lord leads.

Book Review: Diagnose Your Spiritual Health

caryschmidt — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 04:38:56 +0000

I just completed reading one of the most practical, helpful, well-written books about the Christian life that I’ve ever read. I wanted to share it with you.

Coming out of my cancer struggle, the Lord allowed my path to cross the book entitled “Ten Questions to Diagnose Your Spiritual Health” by Donald S. Whitney. It was timely, because I desired to step back and assess my life before the Lord, before I just resumed my “pre-cancer” mentality. I wanted to emerge from the cancer struggle with a deeper walk with the Lord, having grown in His grace through the trial. I desire for the trial to have a permanent spiritual impact on my heart and life.

This book was fantastic! It was one of those books that made me want to highlight every single paragraph! Every page was intensely scriptural, very articulate, and powerfully inspiring regarding the healthy Christian life. Here are the things that I appreciated about this book:

1. It was unquestionably biblical. The author did a great job of supporting his “health diagnosis” from Scripture.

2. It was incredibly practical. Every chapter brought me back to a baseline aspect of authentic Christian living.

3. It was very inspiring. This book made me love the Lord more, love living for Him more, and long for greater spiritual maturity.

4. It was comprehensive. The author got it right! There weren’t any glaring omissions of scriptural directives.

5. It was encouraging. Every page of this book lifted my heart and reminded me why I’m so thankful that I’m a Christian.

6. It was well written. Mr. Whitney has an easy to read, enjoyable style of writing that isn’t trivial by any stretch! His writing runs deep and challenges both the heart and the intellect.

If you’re looking for a book that will encourage you and spur you on to greater spiritual maturity, you should definitely read Ten Questions to Diagnose Your Spiritual Health.

Response #1 to The Saddest Letter

caryschmidt — Wed, 23 Feb 2011 18:23:22 +0000

Wow! The “Saddest Letter” post provoked a lot of interesting discussion! Since I received it a week ago, I too have been pondering my response, and in many ways, those who commented touched on many of the things that have been on my heart. For reasons of length and direction, I think my response will break down into three posts. The first will be a general response to the broader issues. The second, a response to parents and spiritual authorities. The third, a personal response to the young lady who wrote the letter, and to her generation.

As a side note, let me first say, the letter is real. A few people have expressed doubt that perhaps I wrote the letter. I don’t operate that way. I wouldn’t deliberately post a lie on this blog. If I was writing fiction for the sake of illustration, I would just say so. The young lady who wrote the letter gave us her cell phone and we contacted her personally about using her letter. It jolted me as much as it did you.

So on with my general response. I want to draw a few key and critical points from a big picture perspective:

1. The letter and the problems articulated are not about finding blame. I did not read a spirit of blame in this letter, so much as a sincere and honest cry for help. She acknowledged imbalances that she experienced growing up, sensed that others experience the same, and simply asked that someone try to address these imbalances. Nobody grows up in a perfect home, and yes everybody is ultimately responsible for making their own spiritual choices—but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t address these patterns of imbalance that are prevalent in many homes.

2. The problems described in her letter are universal—they are present in every group, not just one or two. This is not a set of problems that flow from a certain type of church or home. They are foundational problems that could be present in any home. Neglectful parents, fragmented families, and bitter children are the norm for our culture and society. It’s impossible to point at any particular brand of Christianity and say, “That’s the source!”

3. There truly are some fantastic resources for parents and families that address the very problems this young lady described. And I believe there is a growing generation of parents (one which this young lady will probably soon be a part of) that desperately want to fight these problems biblically and with godly compassion. The two books that come to mind that every parents should read multiple times are both written by Tedd Tripp—Shepherding a Child’s Heart and Instructing a Child’s Heart. These books excellently detail a biblical approach to parenting that will resolve the problems described in the letter.

4. Rules are not the problem, lack of relationship is the problem. (I’m talking about biblical, well principled rules.) I’ve often seen families and teens toss aside all “rules” under the guise of “legalism”—a word often misused and misunderstood. Tossing rules aside doesn’t help. But I agree strongly that the presence of rules without a strong relationship simply breeds rebellion. Any strong relationship will have boundaries. It’s that simple. My marriage, to be strong, must have boundaries. The boundaries are not standards of legalism, they are merely rules of conduct that protect the relationship. If I love the relationship—the person—there are certain things I will do and will not do—if only to PLEASE the other person. Such is our relationship with God. The behavior, the “faith in action,” along with the rules, should flow from a heart that is deeply in love and close to Him. Loving Him is the only real and lasting motivation for living a godly lifestyle. And the Bible is very clear about God’s desire for us to live godly lives—holy, distinct, separated from the world. But those “rules” or “standards” or “boundaries” are designed not to create mere performance or outward appearance, they are to flow from and facilitate a continued strong personal relationship with the Lord.

I recently taught our senior high an entire lesson on this entitled “Avoiding the Trap of Impersonal Christianity”—the point being that God would rather us put away all of our religiosity if our hearts are far from Him. He desires our hearts first, and then our lifestyle to reflect that heart. In practicality, my own children don’t have a problem with my rules as long as my heart is closely knit to theirs and as long as I am directing their hearts to the Lord. (This lesson will probably post soon on our SM127 podcast on iTunes.)

5. Everybody writes from their own paradigm. I noticed in the comments we all had pretty strong opinions about various aspects of her letter. Some are of the opinion that every church (of a certain type) is this way, or most families (of certain affiliations) are this way. It’s impossible to throw that large of a blanket over Christendom or any one segment of Christianity. For instance, I grew up in several churches. One was well balanced in these matters and trained my parents and me to put relationships first. We did, and as a new Christian family we were greatly helped. One church was exactly the opposite—total surface, appearance driven, and very political in nature. Everything was about externals—if you looked good and conformed well, that’s all that mattered. The vast majority of young people from that church have wandered away from God in their adult years, many into very deep sin. My present church is the one I have served in for 21 years.

Philosophically, we have done our best to be balanced and biblically focused on relationships, but also keep the restraint right by setting the right boundaries. I’m sure we have failed at times. But, we have seen, on average, about 80% of our young people stay faithful to God into their adult years. That’s not good enough, but we are doing our best to fight the battle biblically. Point being, don’t allow your narrow paradigm to cause you to paint with a broad brush over any one segment of Christianity. For instance, if everybody you know is doing it wrong, that doesn’t represent the whole.

6. There are a lot of churches and homes doing it right. Through our teen-parent meetings, family counseling, and fellowship at Lancaster Baptist, it has been my joy to get to know hundreds, perhaps thousands, of parents and families over the years. In addition to this, I’ve been exposed to hundreds of churches and pastors through our ministry, and I want to say, there are a lot of people—pastors, parents, youth pastors—who understand this problem, grew up with this problem, and are fighting to break out of and avoid this trend. Some are those who grew up like the young lady who wrote the letter. Others simply came through ministries where they experienced the imbalance. Others grow up with a good model and are perpetuating it. And yet others are simply godly people who have a very biblical focus in life. But I am encouraged with what I see in Bible-believing churches with whom I fellowship. I am encouraged with the families that I see at Lancaster Baptist and the parents who are diligently attempting to get it right.

7. Kids who grow up in the best of environments can still grow up and choose sin, reject God, and experience deep problems. I guess the ultimate proof of this is that people will choose to reject Christ at the end of the millennial reign! Imagine growing up in the millennial reign of Jesus Christ in the perfect world. Even then, Satan will be able to deceive many and mount an army against Christ. At some point it becomes, not a matter of how I grew up, but where I will decide to go in the future and how I will respond to my past.

8. Finally, the problems revealed in the letter are generational in nature. We’re not dealing with new problems. For the most part, today’s neglectful and disconnected parents are children of the same, and often their grandparents are too. Satan has been hard at work on the American family for many generations. It’s been a long time since healthy families were the norm. It’s been a long time since many people have seen a good model of family life—especially a biblical one.

For instance, just last week I had an appointment with a father who has never talked to his teenage son about sexual matters—this is true of most fathers (and grandfathers). He was asking for help in how to do so. He said his father had never talked to him and he was unsure of how to approach this. I was happy to help, but reminded again of the failure of past generations. I can’t imagine a more important subject for a father and teen son to have a continual and close connection on, but so few actually do.

Many parents have just never seen a good model and never been taught the biblical principles, but I find that Christian parents are hungry to help. That encourages me!

In my next response, I will write to parents. I look forward to hearing your thoughts again… feel free to comment below.

Saddest Letter I’ve Ever Read

caryschmidt — Tue, 22 Feb 2011 19:25:59 +0000

Parents and Pastors—Please Read!!

I received this letter from a young lady last week—a Bible college student who grew up in a Christian home and Christian school. I believe it’s the saddest letter I’ve ever read and right on the mark for so detailing the experiences of so many young Christians. I asked her permission to post it. Please read. Her words will greatly challenge you as a parent or pastor:

Dear Pastor Schmidt,

A few years ago, I read your books Hook, Line, and Sinker, Discover Your Destiny, and Life Quest. I found them to be extremely encouraging and instructive. These books showed me that not only do you have a real heart for young people, but you also understand us well. I am writing to ask you to consider writing a book to our parents and youth workers. Let me explain.

I am a junior at a well-known Christian college. I grew up in highly respected “fundamental independent Baptist” churches, and went to excellent Christian schools. My father has been a Christian worker since before I was born. One would think that my testimony would go something like this:

“I was saved when I was about 5 and I had dedicated my life to God and I have been growing a lot and serving Him and now I’m studying to serve Him full time.” But that isn’t my story. Actually, though I did make a profession of faith when I was very young, I didn’t get saved until I was 17. Since I was 12 and now on into college I have struggled with “serious” issues. And I found out when I went to college that I am not the only “good kid” who is or has struggled with or is still struggling with serious stuff. We struggle with issues like eating disorders, depression and suicide, cutting, pornography, gender identity, homosexuality, drugs, drinking, immorality, and the list could go on. We listen to “wild” music, we idolize pop culture’s heroes, we watch dirty sitcoms. We have no discrimination in our entertainment, dress, or any aspect of our lifestyle. Obviously, I’m generalizing our problems—you would not find that every Christian young person from a conservative background struggles with all of these issues, and praise God, some of us do not struggle with any of these issues.

My point is that the problems that are supposed to be bad kid’s problems belong to us too. Unfortunately, our parents and youth workers don’t know that we struggle with these things and they don’t know what to do with us when they find out. Quite frankly, I believe that if you grabbed the average Christian school teacher or youth worker and asked them, “What would you do if you found out that one of the kids you work with was a homosexual?” they wouldn’t know what to say.

My point is not simply that they don’t know what we struggle with or how to deal with it. I think there is a pretty simple reason why “good” kids struggle with such serious stuff. And that there is a solution. At the risk of being blunt, I’m going to be blunt.

Our parents did not spend time teaching us to love God. Our parents put us in Sunday Schools since K4. Our parents took us to church every time the doors opened, and sent us to every youth activity. They made sure we went to good Christian colleges. They had us sing in the choir, help in the nursery, be ushers, go soulwinning. We did teen devotionals, and prayed over every meal. We did everything right. And they made sure that we did.

But they forgot about our hearts. They forgot that the Bible never commanded the church to teach children about God and His ways. That responsibility was laid at the feet of our fathers. Unfortunately, our fathers don’t have time for us. They put us where we are surrounded by the Bible. But they didn’t take time to show us that God was important enough to them to tell us personally about Him. So to us, Christianity has become a religion of externals. Do all the right stuff, and you’re a good Christian. So, some of us walk away from church. Some of us stay in church and fill a pew. Many of us struggle with stuff that our parents have no idea about because they hardly know us.

I think these problems stem from first, our detachment from our parents, and second from our misunderstandings about the essence of Christianity—a relationship, not a list of rules. I worry that many young people like me are not even saved because of their misunderstandings about Christianity.

I know that this has not been a well articulated treatise, but it comes from my heart. If you are able to help us and our families, we would be so grateful. I realize that probably, there is no way to fix the fact that kids my age are detached from our parents or to straighten out the crazy stuff that we struggle with. The alienation is fixed, the scars are permanent. I know our situation is not hopeless. God is at work in my life and my generation, among those of us who have struggled and are struggling. But maybe our younger siblings can have some help that we never had. Maybe you can write a book for our parents that will grab their attention and help them see that this is serious—that their kids need them, desperately.

I guess I’ve run out of things to say. I must say I’m a little hesitant to share my name with you because that attaches me with my parents, who are, by the way, good people. Thanks for everything you have already done to help Christian teens and their families. I’m eager to see what else God will do through you.

Sincerely,

(Name Removed to Protect Anonymity)

All I could say when I read this letter was, “WOW! She nailed it!” This is the battle I’ve been fighting for 21 years. I’m planning to write a couple of follow up articles to this letter, but for now, let this insightful young lady’s words sink in, and let God help you evaluate your own parenting and influence.

Are we teaching kids to simply appear and act right? Or are we teaching them to LOVE God and KNOW Him personally?

What are your thoughts?

PS – My first response to this letter is posted here.

More Stuff Christians Should Stop Doing

caryschmidt — Sun, 09 Jan 2011 20:56:15 +0000

Hello from left field again! Apparently a lot of you have brains that spend time in left field as well, because the post that I almost didn’t post turned out to be one that many of you responded to. Thank you for the comments, emails, messages and for those who referred the first half of this article to others. One friend said, “Thanks for the slap in the face—I needed that.” I laughed. I guess it was a bit of a “wake up call” but at least I slapped myself first, if that’s any consolation.

So, in the first post we saw a downward spiral—a progression that starts in our minds when fleshly thinking creeps in during a trial. It starts with murmuring against God—”why me?” Murmuring leads to moping—draping complaints on the heart and weighing it down with despair. Moping leads to comparing to others and envying those who have it better. Envying always leads to criticizing which leads to a harsh disposition and hurtful spirit towards others.

But the progression doesn’t stop there. The first five things we looked at impact our spirit and relationships with people. But there’s another really bad side to carnal thinking during distressing times. The other bad habits on this list impact our direction and decisions. While God is trying to work something good in your life through circumstances you can’t control, the devil would like to try to bring you to total meltdown.

Here are five more things that Christians need to stop doing during tough times:

6. Stop doubting, start trusting—when life becomes unpredictable, the natural response is to start questioning all the right things. The logic goes something like this: “If I was doing the right thing, why is my life suddenly so hard. Doing the right thing should make life easier. SO… I must have gone wrong!” At that point, we start to back track in our minds and allow doubt to call into question all the right decisions we’ve made.

We doubt past good decisions. Notice I said GOOD decisions. This is a different thing than knowing in your heart that you made a bad decision and disobeyed God. I’m talking about an all out assault on the spiritual things in your life. Your walk with God, your surrender, your pursuit of Him, your witness to others, your faithfulness in church, your financial stewardship, your faith. Doubt during difficulty attacks all of the good things in our life… and then we start hesitating…

7. Stop hesitating, start obeying—doubt leads us into an emotional and spiritual fog. Our bad responses start rippling cracks through the foundations of our lives—all the good things, biblical things, faith things that were put into place suddenly come into question and rather than pressing forward in obedience, we pause and panic.

If you’ve built your life upon the Word and the presence of God, you don’t need to freeze or panic with hesitation. Your purpose, your calling, your Biblical foundation is still strong and steady regardless of your circumstances. So step up and move forward with obedient faith. Act. Do the right things you’ve been doing. Keep doing them as much as you are able! Don’t question God or the good things you’ve decided for Him.

8. Stop retreating, start committing—sometimes doubt and hesitation lead to retreat—we run for our lives, start scrambling to “plan B” and strategizing how to take care of ourselves “since God let us down.”

My friend, God intends your present circumstances for good. And you are already on the winning side if you belong to Christ. So I dare you—while your world seems unstable, stand firm, march forward, and commit—or recommit. Commit to truth, to Christ, to rejoicing, and to serving God. Commit to using your hardship for God’s purposes!

9. Stop guessing, start deciding—when we panic, freeze, or otherwise freak out in the face of hardship, it’s almost like we turn the reigns of our life over to random events and pandemonium. We start making rash decisions out of irrational thought patterns. The uncertainty of a trial can cause us to start guessing our way forward, like suddenly you’re standing on thin ice and wondering if the next stop will plunge you into arctic waters. The result—bad decisions.

No Christian should ever guess their way into a decision. We should decide—obey our way forward. Every step should be one of deliberation—every move made in assurance that we are obeying our Heavenly Father and following His lead through the fog. Even when all of life seems like thin ice, the steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord!

10. Stop dreading and start anticipating—finally, when life gets hard, sometimes we start dreading what might be around the next bend. A lot of Christians go through life tentative and fearful from past hurt—overly anxious of what lurks around the next corner—like they’re walking through a haunted house. And some trials are filled with a million varying dark corners and unpredictable turns—medical tests that could lead to jarring results, relational hurt or betrayal from the bad behavior of another, sudden economic or industry shifts resulting in loss, and the list goes on. God does not give us a spirit of fear, but love, power, and a sound mind.

The opposite of this “dread” is confidence and anticipation. Trust and hope. God wants me to live with an anticipation that whatever waits around the next corner is simply my next assignment from God on this wonderful race that I’m running with patience for His glory.

One final thought: these bad habits make your trial a weapon in your enemy’s hands against you. The opposite behaviors make your hardship a weapon in God’s hands against your enemy!

Your trial is a weapon in someone’s hands—either God’s or the enemy’s. It really depend on who you hand it to. Decide now to keep it from your enemy, hand it to God, and let Him start using it for good!

Stuff Christians Need to Stop Doing

caryschmidt — Wed, 05 Jan 2011 15:31:07 +0000

This is a bit out of left field—but that’s where my brain has been spending a lot of time lately, so here goes.

Over the past few months, I’ve been making a short list of really bad habits—not like nail-biting or over-eating. These are more elusive bad habits—and a lot more dangerous. They are the things that tend to creep in—emphasis on CREEP—when life takes a turn we didn’t approve of. These are attitudes or behaviors we tend to default into when expectations go unmet, or dreams are left unfulfilled—when our hopes are smashed on the rocks of disappointment.

Life is filled with reminders that we really aren’t in control. And when those reminders come—like a bucket of cold water—they can startle us into a carnal cycle of thinking. They can lead us into a downward spiral of emotional and spiritual distress. They can bring out the most fleshly of thought patterns.

If you haven’t already had this experience in the new year, you will soon. It may be something as small as a bad hair day or as large as a major life crisis—but guaranteed, something in your life, very soon, will not go as you expected or planned. Here’s the question.

When that happens—how will you respond?

May I suggest the following course of action. This list has ten things, but here are the first five:

1. Stop complaining, start thanking—just take a look at the book of Exodus and examine the word “murmur” in its various forms. You will discover that God takes complaining very seriously. And in contrast, He commands us repeatedly in His Word to give thanks unto Him—in all things and for all things. So, when things go wrong, start right here. Don’t complain. Don’t murmur. It’s a waste of emotional energy. Murmuring is against God—it is a formal complaint against His sovereignty. Refuse to do it. Instead, take the high road and say “Thank you!” It may seem impossible. It may feel awkward. But it is obedient, and it’s the first step to having real joy, even when things aren’t going according to plan.

2. Stop moping, start hoping—murmuring leads to moping. Complaints, whether kept in the heart or uttered on the lips, are like weights draped over the soul. They are heavy and burdensome. They laden the heart with self-pity and false feelings of “I deserve better.” Self-pity is a pathetic trap—don’t go there. Moping robs the heart of the blessing of God’s presence and power in the midst of the trial. It quenches the Spirit. Choosing to mope is the same as choosing to prolong and even worsen the agony of disappointment. Decide that moping is out in the new year. No self-pity. Instead, determine to hope in God, no matter where the road of life may twist or turn.

3. Stop envying, start serving—first we murmur, then we mope, then we resent. We start to look at others and compare. We start to tabulate and calculate. And in our fleshly mind-set, we always come up short. Someone else has it better. Someone else has it easier. It’s a mind game we will never win. Comparison leads to envy and discontentment—a bad spirit festers and feeds on every perceived inequity or injustice. STOP!

Do you see the unraveling of life? Murmuring, moping, envying. Stop the cycle and start serving. Yes! From where you are—disappointment and all, burdens and all—get up, shake the dust off, bandage your wounds, and reach out a helping hand to someone else. Someone has it worse. Someone has more pain. Someone has greater disappointment. Someone has a harder time (times 100) right now! Find them and help them—from the midst of your hardship, do something to bless someone else.

4. Stop criticizing, start uplifting—if you fall into the first three bad habits, the fourth will follow quickly. Once you are well into murmuring, moping, and envying, the next step is criticizing. It won’t be long before you start talking about all the issues you see in everybody else. You will find another miserable heart, a listening ear that commiserates with your lot, and you will start to attack others, like a wounded animal. The things that are eating you will start coming out—out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh. Out of your pain and self-pity, the only way you’ll feel a bit of relief is to pick others apart and magnify their failures. It’s a pathetic tactic, but a bit like a spiritual narcotic. It makes you feel better temporarily and it can be addicting.

Choose to quit criticizing and start uplifting. Grateful people in the grip of God’s amazing grace always see the best in others and point it out. In the spirit of 1 Corinthians 13, they understand that love bears all things, believes all things, and hopes all things.

5. Stop discouraging, start encouraging—A moping, murmuring, envious, backbiting person will ultimately be a discourager. Another word for what I mean is “harsh.” This is when your moping, murmuring spirit begins to spill over into your relationships with harsh tones and sharp words. This is when those you love are hurt by your edginess, stifled by your anger, or wounded by your contempt. Anyone can be a discourager—all it takes is a bit of flesh and an out of control tongue.

Instead, choose to encourage others. Trade harsh for gentle. Trade caustic for caring. Trade insulting for inspiring. Everybody needs encouragement!

I don’t know what’s gone wildly awry in your life, but I do know that these five things won’t help make it right. Think of this—regardless of what’s going on—you have today. You have this moment. You are surrounded by people—each one an opportunity to bless someone else.

Rather than descend into these five behaviors—take a different path. Choose your words like an artist chooses his brush and color. Choose your deeds like a designer chooses his elements. Take every moment and every relationship and turn it into a serving, building, growing, helping opportunity.

Christians really need to give up complaining, moping, envying, criticizing, and discouraging. We’ll take a look at five more things soon. Thanks for stopping by, and be sure to add your thoughts!

Oswald Chambers is “The Man!” (or was…)

caryschmidt — Tue, 23 Nov 2010 18:53:51 +0000

Lately, especially while battling cancer, I’ve been greatly encouraged by devotionals from Oswald Chambers “My Utmost for His Highest.” Nearly every day the Lord has blessed my life by something profound from this man’s heart. So in this post, I’m shot-gunning a collection of quotes that have been significant to me and why. I hope they will prove a blessing and useful to you!

Quote 1—Regarding Obedience to Christ:
“What an astonishment it will be to see, once the veil is finally lifted, all the souls that have been reaped by you, simply because you have been in the habit of taking your orders from Jesus Christ.”

Quote 2—Regarding a Busy Life without an Intimate Walk
“The great enemy of the Lord Jesus Christ today is the idea of practical work that has no basis in the New Testament but comes from the systems of the world. This work insists upon endless energy and activities, but no private life with God. We must get rid of the plague of the spirit of this religious age in which we live. In our Lord’s life there was none of the pressure and the rushing of tremendous activity that we regard so highly today, and a disciple is to be like His Master. The central point of the kingdom of Jesus Christ is a personal relationship with Him, not public usefulness to others. And if you waste your time in overactivity, instead of being immersed in the great fundamental truths of God’s redemption, then you will snap when the stress and strain do come. But if this time of soaking before God is being spent in getting rooted and grounded in Him, which may appear to be impractical, then you will remain true to Him whatever happens.”

Quote 3—Regarding A Servant of God Having No Real Right to Privacy
“There is no such thing as a private life, or a place to hide in this world, for a man or woman who is intimately aware of and shares in the sufferings of Jesus Christ. God divides the private life of His saints and makes it a highway for the world on one hand and for Himself on the other. No human being can stand that unless he is identified with Jesus Christ. We are not sanctified for ourselves. We are called into intimacy with the gospel, and things happen that appear to have nothing to do with us. But God is getting us into fellowship with Himself. Let Him have His way. If you refuse, you will be of no value to God in His redemptive work in the world, but will be a hindrance and a stumbling block.”

Quote 4—Regarding Our Typical Collapse in Self-Pity During Pain
“The first thing God does is get us grounded on strong reality and truth. He does this until our cares for ourselves individually have been brought into submission to His way for the purpose of His redemption. Why shouldn’t we experience heartbreak? Through those doorways God is opening up ways of fellowship with His Son. Most of us collapse at the first grip of pain. We sit down at the door of God’s purpose and enter a slow death through self-pity. And all the so-called Christian sympathy of others helps us to our deathbed. But God will not. He comes with the grip of the pierced hand of His Son, as if to say, “Enter into fellowship with Me; arise and shine.” If God can accomplish His purposes in this world through a broken heart, then why not thank Him for breaking yours?”

Quote 5—Regarding Seeing the Face of God through the Pinholes of Daily Obedience
“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear. If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation. If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself. Jesus Christ will not force me to obey Him, but I must. And as soon as I obey Him, I fulfill my spiritual destiny. My personal life may be crowded with small, petty happenings, altogether insignificant. But if I obey Jesus Christ in the seemingly random circumstances of life, they become pinholes through which I see the face of God. Then, when I stand face to face with God, I will discover that through my obedience thousands were blessed. When God’s redemption brings a human soul to the point of obedience, it always produces. If I obey Jesus Christ, the redemption of God will flow through me to the lives of others, because behind the deed of obedience is the reality of Almighty God.”

Quote 6—Regarding Being Fully God’s with No Personal Agenda
“I chose you . . .” (John 15:16). Keep these words as a wonderful reminder in your theology. It is not that you have gotten God, but that He has gotten you. God is at work bending, breaking, molding, and doing exactly as He chooses. And why is He doing it? He is doing it for only one purpose— that He may be able to say, “This is My man, and this is My woman.” We have to be in God’s hand so that He can place others on the Rock, Jesus Christ, just as He has placed us.

“Never choose to be a worker, but once God has placed His call upon you, woe be to you if you “turn aside . . . to the right or the left . . .” (Deuteronomy 28:14). He will do with you what He never did before His call came to you, and He will do with you what He is not doing with other people. Let Him have His way.”

Quote 7—Regarding the Public Ministry Use of Our Personal Trials
“If you are going to be used by God, He will take you through a number of experiences that are not meant for you personally at all. They are designed to make you useful in His hands, and to enable you to understand what takes place in the lives of others.”

Quote 8—Regarding the Long Purpose of Suffering
“When it comes to suffering, it is part of our Christian culture to want to know God’s purpose beforehand. In the history of the Christian church, the tendency has been to avoid being identified with the sufferings of Jesus Christ. People have sought to carry out God’s orders through a shortcut of their own. God’s way is always the way of suffering— the way of the ‘long road home.’ We never realize at the time what God is putting us through— we go through it more or less without understanding. Then suddenly we come to a place of enlightenment, and realize— ‘God has strengthened me and I didn’t even know it!’”

Quote 9—Regarding Letting God of Personal Ambition—Even Good Ambitions
“After sanctification, it is difficult to state what your purpose in life is, because God has moved you into His purpose through the Holy Spirit. He is using you now for His purposes throughout the world as He used His Son for the purpose of our salvation. If you seek great things for yourself, thinking, “God has called me for this and for that,” you barricade God from using you. As long as you maintain your own personal interests and ambitions, you cannot be completely aligned or identified with God’s interests. This can only be accomplished by giving up all of your personal plans once and for all, and by allowing God to take you directly into His purpose for the world. Your understanding of your ways must also be surrendered, because they are now the ways of the Lord.”

Quote 10—Regarding Embracing God’s Agenda and Rejecting Self-Pity
“I must learn that the purpose of my life belongs to God, not me. God is using me from His great personal perspective, and all He asks of me is that I trust Him. I should never say, “Lord, this causes me such heartache.” To talk that way makes me a stumbling block. When I stop telling God what I want, He can freely work His will in me without any hindrance. He can crush me, exalt me, or do anything else He chooses. He simply asks me to have absolute faith in Him and His goodness. Self-pity is of the devil, and if I wallow in it I cannot be used by God for His purpose in the world. Doing this creates for me my own cozy “world within the world,” and God will not be allowed to move me from it because of my fear of being ‘frost-bitten.’”

Quote 11—Regarding All Fears Being Sinful
“It is because of our trusting in experience that we see the steadfast impatience of the Holy Spirit against unbelief. All of our fears are sinful, and we create our own fears by refusing to nourish ourselves in our faith. How can anyone who is identified with Jesus Christ suffer from doubt or fear! Our lives should be an absolute hymn of praise resulting from perfect, irrepressible, triumphant belief.”

Quote 12—Regarding the Inherent Conflict of Disobedience
“A child’s life is normally obedient, until he chooses disobedience. But as soon as he chooses to disobey, an inherent inner conflict is produced.”

Quote 13—Regarding Divine Design in All of Life
“Never believe that the so-called random events of life are anything less than God’s appointed order. Be ready to discover His divine designs anywhere and everywhere.”

Quote 14—Regarding Our Tendency to be Proud of Our Positions
“Beware of being obsessed with consistency to your own convictions instead of being devoted to God. It is easier to be an excessive fanatic than it is to be consistently faithful, because God causes an amazing humbling of our religious conceit when we are faithful to Him.”

Quote 15—Regarding Spiritual Confusion and Its Solution
“Simplicity is the secret to seeing things clearly. A saint does not think clearly until a long time passes, but a saint ought to see clearly without any difficulty. You cannot think through spiritual confusion to make things clear; to make things clear, you must obey. In intellectual matters you can think things out, but in spiritual matters you will only think yourself into further wandering thoughts and more confusion. If there is something in your life upon which God has put His pressure, then obey Him in that matter. Bring all your “arguments and . . . every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ” regarding the matter, and everything will become as clear as daylight to you ( 2 Corinthians 10:5 ). Your reasoning capacity will come later, but reasoning is not how we see. We see like children, and when we try to be wise we see nothing. Spiritual confusion is only conquered by obedience.”

Quote 16—Regarding Mountain-Tops and Valleys and Where We Really Live for God
“We have all experienced times of exaltation on the mountain, when we have seen things from God’s perspective and have wanted to stay there. But God will never allow us to stay there. The true test of our spiritual life is in exhibiting the power to descend from the mountain. If we only have the power to go up, something is wrong. It is a wonderful thing to be on the mountain with God, but a person only gets there so that he may later go down and lift up the demon-possessed people in the valley (see Mark 9:14-18). We are not made for the mountains, for sunrises, or for the other beautiful attractions in life— those are simply intended to be moments of inspiration. We are made for the valley and the ordinary things of life, and that is where we have to prove our stamina and strength. Yet our spiritual selfishness always wants repeated moments on the mountain. We feel that we could talk and live like perfect angels, if we could only stay on the mountaintop. Those times of exaltation are exceptional and they have their meaning in our life with God, but we must beware to prevent our spiritual selfishness from wanting to make them the only time.

“After every time of exaltation, we are brought down with a sudden rush into things as they really are, where it is neither beautiful, poetic, nor thrilling. The height of the mountaintop is measured by the dismal drudgery of the valley, but it is in the valley that we have to live for the glory of God. We see His glory on the mountain, but we never live for His glory there. It is in the place of humiliation that we find our true worth to God— that is where our faithfulness is revealed. Most of us can do things if we are always at some heroic level of intensity, simply because of the natural selfishness of our own hearts. But God wants us to be at the drab everyday level, where we live in the valley according to our personal relationship with Him. Peter thought it would be a wonderful thing for them to remain on the mountain, but Jesus Christ took the disciples down from the mountain and into the valley, where the true meaning of the vision was explained (see Mark 9:5-6 , Mark 14-23).

“When you were on the mountaintop you could believe anything, but what about when you were faced with the facts of the valley? You may be able to give a testimony regarding your sanctification, but what about the thing that is a humiliation to you right now? The last time you were on the mountain with God, you saw that all the power in heaven and on earth belonged to Jesus— will you be skeptical now, simply because you are in the valley of humiliation?”

Quote 17—Regarding the Obstacles of Life and God’s Presence in Them
“A river is victoriously persistent, overcoming all barriers. For a while it goes steadily on its course, but then comes to an obstacle. And for a while it is blocked, yet it soon makes a pathway around the obstacle. Or a river will drop out of sight for miles, only later to emerge again even broader and greater than ever. Do you see God using the lives of others, but an obstacle has come into your life and you do not seem to be of any use to God? Then keep paying attention to the Source, and God will either take you around the obstacle or remove it. The river of the Spirit of God overcomes all obstacles. Never focus your eyes on the obstacle or the difficulty. The obstacle will be a matter of total indifference to the river that will flow steadily through you if you will simply remember to stay focused on the Source. Never allow anything to come between you and Jesus Christ— not emotion nor experience— nothing must keep you from the one great sovereign Source.”

Bonus: Regarding Never Turning Back from the Call of God
“Once the call of God comes to you, start going and never stop.”

Things I’d Like to Say to Every Young Adult

caryschmidt — Sat, 20 Nov 2010 04:04:03 +0000

Here’s a quick list of things I wish I could say to every young adult!

1. You are of eternal value and significance because God doesn’t make junk. Regardless of who mistreated you, what lies you’ve been told, or how bad your past has been—you have a future and God has good plans for you. Life can be bad, but God’s heart is always good! And only He can turn the bad into good. (Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.”)

2. You have an amazing contribution to make to the lives of others. God created you for the purpose of serving Him in the lives of others. This will be your family, your friends, your community, your co-workers, and your future family. People you’ve never met are counting on having your good influence some day. Don’t mess it up! (Proverbs 27:17, “Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.”)

3. You have incredible skills and abilities to develop for God’s glory. Don’t compare yourself to others. Let God help you become who He designed you to be. You have gifts and abilities that you have yet to discover and develop, so don’t lose hope! (1 Timothy 4:14, “Neglect not the gift that is in thee…”)

4. Your only hope for real happiness is a real, private, personal relationship with Jesus Christ. It starts at salvation, but that’s just the beginning! Walking with Him, knowing Him, and learning of Him on a daily basis is where life is really at its BEST! (Proverbs 18:24, “…there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.”)

5. Your life is more about your future than your past. I know lots of teens with bad pasts and bad trials because of the terrible decisions of others. But your future doesn’t have to be a response to the bad decisions of others. Don’t get angry and bitter about someone else’s stupidity. Don’t let them mess up your future. Move forward with God and chart a different course for your kids! (Hebrews 12:15, “Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled;”)

6. You will live by faith, whether you do your will or God’s will—be smart—place faith in the One who is in control. Life is not a sight/faith proposition. It’s a faith/faith proposition. Either you place faith in yourself—blind faith since you are neither in control nor all knowing. Or you place faith in God—intelligent faith since He is all powerful and all knowing! Be smart—go with God! (Romans 1:17, “For therein is the righteousness of God revealed from faith to faith: as it is written, The just shall live by faith.”)

7. You will get through the confusion and frustration you face during your teen years. Don’t freak out when you get confused or when things don’t go as you hoped. Go to God and let Him get you through it. He is the only way to sanity! (Isaiah 45:2, “I will go before thee, and make the crooked places straight…”)

8. Your only hope for the fulfillment of your deepest dreams is to passionately pursue God. If you chase dreams, you will come up disappointed, even if they get fulfilled. Dreams are the product of the design of God—He knows how to fulfill them. Loving Him is your job! Fulfilling your heart is His job! Don’t get the roles reversed! (Psalm 37:4, “Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.”)

9. Your pathway to godly success is littered with traps and pitfalls—so follow the Guide. God’s Word is the ultimate guide. When you know God and know His principles, you are safeguarding your steps. Unless you want to step into a lot of pain, stay close to the Guide! (Joshua 1:8, “This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success.”)

10. Your greatest enemy is impatience. Waiting is hard—ok. But look at it differently! You aren’t merely waiting! You are preparing! Don’t rush what God is doing in your life right now. Let Him have His way in His time, and don’t always wish you were three years down the road. Impatience destroys more people than anything else I know! Be willing to wait for God’s best! Illustration: Would you rather have a dollar today or a million next week? The best is worth waiting for! (Hebrews 10:36, “For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise.”)

11. Your greatest assignment is preparation. Most big mistakes in young adult lives somehow involve trading preparation for pretend. In other words, rather than really preparing for God’s best in His time, let’s just rush forward and pretend we’re there already. Bad decision. Stick with the preparation of youth! You’ll be WAY ahead of the rest of the planet when life demands the most of you. (Galatians 6:9, “And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.”)

12. Your greatest asset is godly authorities. God has given every life some good authority—even if some authorities have let you down. Somebody in your life will help you make right choices, avoid wrong, and see clearly through the fog of youth. One of the best decisions you could make is to trust godly authorities. Question them—fine—then listen to the answers they give and follow their advice! Godly authorities have no desire to control you, but they do want to protect you! (Exodus 20:12, “Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.”)

Please—live life God’s way! While everything will try to drag you off track, I promise, you will never regret it! God has a good life in store for you—so go get it by His grace!

7 Powerful Practices for Healthy Families (2)

caryschmidt — Thu, 23 Sep 2010 04:34:01 +0000

This is part two of this article. You can read part one here. In the first four practices we’ve seen these principles: Regularly ask for the filling of God’s Spirit, pray together consistently, resolve conflict immediately, and play together abundantly. Let’s move on:

Step Five—Grow and Serve Together Continually. Local church is huge for healthy family life. Contentious families generally treat church with a casual, half-heartedness. It’s easily tossed aside for a Sunday night movie, a birthday, or a ball game. While church isn’t an immediate “fix-all” for every family problem, it is a vital and essential part of the healthy family recipe. When every family member is growing in Christ and the knowledge of His Word, and every family member is involved in serving the Lord through a local body, family life is dramatically impacted for the better.

This is not only God’s design, it’s His command. Ephesians 4:16 teaches that we, as a local church body are “fitly framed together… unto the edifying of itself in love.” Casually commit to that process—prepare for ongoing weakness in your family. Fully commit to that process—prepare for a stronger home.

Step Six—Respond to God’s Spirit Instantly. Sometimes we call it “intuition”—that still, small voice cluing us in on a need, a parental oversight, or a needed response. God does this all the time with parents, but His promptings are often drowned out by distractions or rationalization. In contentious families, parents don’t hear or respond to God’s prompting. In healthy families, God’s leading is given careful attention and obedience.

God will prompt you to take your daughter out for a talk, invest a morning into your son, or write your wife a love note. He will prompt you to get counsel from a pastor, check your son’s iPod, or place your arm around your girl and give a firm word of affirmation. He will remind you of little things, warn you of danger, and lead you to take right steps. He will give you a peace about some things and not others. We don’t need to rationalize away His promptings. We won’t usually understand why He is prompting us a certain direction. When it comes to God’s promptings, just obey. And make that your explanation too if the prompting doesn’t line up with your kid’s expectations: “I’m just obeying what God has put on my heart.” Galatians 5:25 teaches us to “walk in the Spirit…”

Step Seven—Nurture the Heart Faithfully. Kind words, teaching words, affirming words, and encouraging words—these things nurture the heart. Many kids only hear their parents on two channels. Channel #1 is “I want you to do something.” (Mow the lawn, pick up your room, do your homework, quiet down, get ready for bed… you get the picture.) Channel #2 is “You did something wrong.” (Get in here, stop that, I can’t believe you, What were you thinking, You’re grounded, etc.) And often both channels have one mode—harsh. Some Christian parents even scorn, ridicule, and curse at their children. Both unthinkable and devastating to a young heart.

Do your kids ever hear you on other channels? What about kind? Uplifting? Gentle? Spiritual? Loving? Do they know when they are doing a good job? Do they sense how proud you are of them? Do they know you take great pleasure in just being their parent? There’s something deeply inspiring and motivating about this kind of nurture. If you yell at me, I will do better temporarily because I don’t want to upset you. (And in fact, I may avoid you!) But if you nurture me, I will do better because you inspired me through love and acceptance to be a better child of God. Now that’s healthy parenting! Proverbs 25:11 says, “a word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.”

Some years ago I was out on a Thursday preparing to purchase a car. I really hate shopping for cars, but on this day, I felt the Lord was leading me to do so. That day shatters all of my normal car-shopping practices in every way. Through a series of Divine circumstances, I was paired up with a kind car salesman named Jason, in his mid-fifties, who began to show me around the lot. Less than three minutes into our time together, Jason began to pour out his heart for his teen daughter and their broken relationship. When he began to weep, I knew God had brought me to Jason that day. He was a Christian father desperate for answers for his child.

Jason was saved, but neglectful of his daughter and family. And several years of brokenness were leading to a very dangerous path in her life. For the next eight hours (yes, you read that right) I had the privilege of becoming a spiritual mentor to Jason regarding his family, and especially his daughter. We prayed together. We studied Scripture together. We counseled. We talked about biblical priorities, family time, honoring God, and the needs of teens. Jason asked me if I was reading his mind. His heart soaked up every word and every principle like fresh water falling in a parched desert.

Morning turned to afternoon which turned to evening. By the time I left the car lot, Jason had made some critical decisions. He decided to work less, give his daughter more time, apologize for how he had hurt her, and honor the Lord in his family life. In particular, he decided to turn away his sales appointments that Saturday to spend the entire day with his daughter. As I left the lot, he hugged my neck, wept, and said “Thank you! God sent you to me today.”

It was Easter weekend and Jason had told me he would come to church Sunday night for our musical. On Saturday, he called a co-worker and told her that his daughter had accepted his apology and that they had hugged for the first time in several years. He shared how their relationship had been restored on their special day together. Sure beats selling cars.

Sunday came and went, and I didn’t see Jason. On Monday morning, a friend from the dealership (Jason’s boss) called me with sobering news. Jason had gone to Heaven Sunday night after having a massive heart attack. We were both speechless on the phone. The realization hit me. I had spent Thursday, by Divine providence, helping a man choose to restore his relationship with his daughter during his last day on earth. The weight of the moment reminded me how critical our family relationships really are and how little time we actually have together.

If God has given you a family, and your heart is still beating—then you have a great gift. Don’t waste another day in the mire of contention and family strife. Refuse to give Satan such victory. For you never know when you might be facing your final opportunity to cherish and love those who are so precious in your life.

Remember, these seven practices are atomic bombs—small packages, big results! God’s Word promises that these things make a difference in family life. The question is, will you take the prescription so God can heal the brokenness? May God bless you as you seek to build whole and healthy relationships in your Christian family.

7 Powerful Practices for Healthy Families

caryschmidt — Tue, 21 Sep 2010 03:58:36 +0000

Brokenness is standard fare for families in today’s culture. Many homes are literally broken apart, while many others are broken from within. In fact, brokenness has become the norm. In today’s American family, strife, contention, anger, and resentment are quite common. Weak marriages, frustrated parents, sin ravaged home environments, argumentative teens, neglected children—this is the stuff of family life in 2010. Sad. The fact that Christian homes also fall into this category is even more sad.

Brokenness is certainly not what God intended. Perhaps this article finds your family in the midst of brokenness—your home life has been reduced to contention. Nobody likes this—not parents, not kids. And everybody knows this isn’t how it’s supposed to be—especially for Christians. So what’s the solution?

The difference between a contentious family and a happy one is not as elusive as you might think. It’s not fate or luck. It’s not that one family just happens to get along and another doesn’t. All families face the same potential for contention and conflict. Successful ones just handle it differently—biblically.

Your family probably doesn’t need a complete rebuild, months of counseling, or psychotherapy. And you’re certainly not stuck in mediocrity. There is hope. The difference between happy families and fractured families is smaller than you think—simple values and practices that any family can learn.

What are they? What simple things does God’s Word teach us that have huge impacts on family life. I would liken these practices to atomic bombs—small packages, big results! Why? Because God honors them. These are the things that move God to work in family life. So, suppose you’re in over your head with family contention. Suppose we were sitting at a coffee shop with a Bible. These are the “prescriptions” God would give you to heal what is broken in your home.

Step One—Regularly Ask for the Filling of God’s Holy Spirit. If you are in over your head, welcome to the club! That’s why we all need God’s supernatural help to overcome our natural tendencies. Ephesians 5:9 teaches that the fruit of the Spirit “is in all goodness and righteousness and truth.” Only God’s Spirit can bring together the different personalities in your home to dwell together in peace and unity.

Step Two—Pray Together Consistently. Pray as a couple, pray with your kids, pray as a whole family. Pray on the way to school, before bed, and just randomly during the day. As simple as this is, it’s difficult for many families to do. Why? Because the devil fights it big time! God will accomplish more in three minutes of prayer than you will accomplish in three hours of arguing or three days of resentment. Every night before bed, take a quiet moment with each child, kneel by their bed, focus on them, and pray a short prayer of love, protection, and gratitude over them. Let them pray too, if they will. If not, just pray out loud. I promise, your relationship will change! James 5:16 teaches that “the effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much,” and 1 Thessalonians 5:17 says, “Pray without ceasing.”

Step Three—Resolve Conflict Immediately. Contentious families have mounds and mounds of built up hurt that has never been resolved. When arguments fly, tempers flare, and anger rages, the mess is left like a truckload of trash dumped in the living room floor. It rots. It stinks. It keeps hurting our hearts. And future flare ups are made more frequent and more intense because of the pile of past hurt still laying around.

Conflict isn’t absent from happy homes; it’s just resolved. Healthy families pick up the mess when an explosion has occurred. Parents apologize to kids. Kids apologize to parents. Spouses apologize to each other. And prayer together puts every heart back on the stable ground of relational sanity. Whatever you do, don’t let conflict go unresolved. Colossians 3:13 teaches us to forebear and forgive one another, and Romans 12:18 admonishes us to “…live peacably with all men.” A good start to resolving conflict would be to approach a family member and sincerely ask, “How have I hurt you?” Listen. Don’t defend yourself. Eat humble pie and make it right.

Step Four—Play Together Abundantly. Contentious families have usually stopped playing together. They stopped having fun with their family a long time ago. Healthy families still plan fun. And frankly, kids who grow up loving God will nearly always tell you of someone (usually parents) who helped them see and experience the joy of being a Christian! Are you making life enjoyable for your family, or do they go elsewhere to find enjoyment? What light does that cast on your faith, your relationship with God, and your values? Does your joy make biblical living more attractive to your children?

When is the last time you planned a great time for your family? Healthy families balance rules with relationships and never get over the fun of just being a family. Isaiah 61:10 says, “I will greatly rejoice in the Lord, my soul will be joyful in God.” It’s hard to do that if you’re always grumpy. And grumpy people repel kids—it’s that simple.

There are three practices which we will examine in part two of this article which will post soon. Ask God to help you consistently apply His principles in your family.

How to Survive a Rough Day

caryschmidt — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 04:33:38 +0000

One Sunday evening this past summer, Dr. Don Sisk preached at Lancaster Baptist. He shared one of the most encouraging messages I’ve ever heard! It was entitled “How to Survive a Rough Day” and it shared seven appropriate responses when things are going against you. Dr. Sisk began the message with this humorous reading summarizing the children’s book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day:

“From the moment he wakes up with gum in his hair, things just do not go Alexander’s way. Getting out of bed, he trips on a skateboard and drops his sweater into a sink full of water. At breakfast, Alexander’s brothers Nick and Anthony reach into their cereal boxes and pull out amazing prizes, while all Alexander ends up with is cereal.

On the way to school, he doesn’t get the window seat in the carpool. At school, his teacher doesn’t like his drawing of an invisible castle (which is actually just a blank sheet of paper) and criticizes him for singing too loud and leaving out 16. His friend Paul reduces Alexander to third best friend and there is no dessert in his lunch.

At the dentist’s, the dentist tells Alexander he has a cavity, the elevator door hurts his foot, Anthony pushes him into the mud, Nick calls him a crybaby for crying, and Mom catches him in the act of punching Nick. At the shoe store, they’re sold out of Alexander’s choice of sneakers (blue ones with red stripes), so Mom has to buy him plain white sneakers, which he’ll refuse to wear.

At Dad’s office, Alexander makes a mess of things when he fools around with everything there (the copying machine, the books, and the telephone) getting to the point where Dad tells him not to pick him up from work anymore.

At home, Alexander’s bad day is far from over. The family has lima beans for dinner (which he hates), there is kissing on TV (which he also hates), bath time becomes a nightmare (too hot water, soap in the eyes, and losing a marble down the drain) and he has to wear his railroad train pajamas (he hates his railroad train pajamas).

At bedtime, Alexander’s nightlight burns out, he bites his tongue, Nick takes back a pillow, and the family cat chooses to sleep with Anthony. No wonder Alexander wants to move to Australia. The book ends with his mother’s assurance that everyone has bad days, even people who live in Australia.”

Each point of the message to follow was taken from the statements of Jesus when He was in the cross, and each one provided a practical and insightful principle from how the Lord responded in the midst of His suffering. Here are the things he shared about how to survive a rough day:

1. Forgive Those Who Are Messing Up Your Day—“Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34)

2. Encourage Others Around You Who Are Struggling or Hurting—“…today thou shalt be with me in paradise.” (Luke 23:43)

3. Take Care of Your Responsibilities—“…behold thy mother!” (John 19:27)

4. Take Your Difficult Questions to the Lord—“…my God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46)

5. Let Your Needs Be Made Known to Others—“…I thirst.” (John 19:28)

6. State Your Faith that God is Working—“…it is finished.” (John 19:30)

7. Be Sure to Commit All Things to God—“Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit.” (Luke 23:46)

What powerful principles from the cross of Christ! No matter how hard your day is, it could never compare to the suffering of Jesus as He shed His blood for our sin. I guess the summary would be, to survive a rough day—look to Jesus!

I hope these seven principles from Dr. Sisk will encourage you like they did me!

Discipline that Develops the Heart

caryschmidt — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 16:30:27 +0000

Ten Biblical Principles for Winning Your Child’s Heart

How do you discipline your children? Here are ten Biblical principles for handling discipline biblically and in a way that truly develops the heart of your child.

Discipline that develops the heart…

1. Is Controlled and Premeditated—It doesn’t fly off the handle or out of control.

Proverbs 16:32, “He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city.”

Colossians 3:21, “Fathers provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.”

2. Is Biblically Principled and Corrective—It rests upon a Higher Authority—God and His Word, and isn’t easily manipulated.

Proverbs 19:18, “Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying.”

3. Is Instructive and Nurturing—It moves beyond reaction and actually instructs and trains.

Proverbs 4:1-4, “Hear, ye children, the instruction of a father, and attend to know understanding. 2 For I give you good doctrine, forsake ye not my law. 3 For I was my father’s son, tender and only beloved in the sight of my mother. 4 He taught me also, and said unto me, Let thine heart retain my words: keep my commandments, and live.”

4. Is Focused on Beliefs then Behavior—It seeks to understand the beliefs that drive behavior, not merely change behavior.

Proverbs 23:26, “My son, give me thine heart, and let thine eyes observe my ways.”

Proverbs 4:1-2, “Hear, ye children, the instruction of a father, and attend to know understanding. 2 For I give you good doctrine, forsake ye not my law.”

5. Is Focused on Restoring Relationships—It always seeks a stronger relationship, not a wounded one.

Col. 3:21, “Fathers provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.”

6. Is Listening and Encouraging—It contemplates, considers, and listens to the feelings and expressions of the heart.

Psalm 103:13, “Like as a father pitieth his children, so the Lord pitieth them that fear Him.”

Col. 3:21, “Fathers provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.”

1 Thessalonians 2:11, “As you know how we exhorted and comforted and charged every one of you, as a father doth his children.”

7. Is Prayerful and Christ Centered—It brings Christ to the forefront and maintains a humble spirit.

James 5:16, “Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.”

8. Is Selfless and Contextual—It is for the profit of the child and helps the child see the larger context of blessing.

Hebrews 12:10, “For they verily for a few days chastened us after their own pleasure; but he for our profit, that we might be partakers of his holiness.”

9. Is Forward Looking—It blesses the heart with hope and an “I believe in you” spirit.

Proverbs 4:10, “Hear, O my son, and receive my sayings; and the years of thy life shall be many.”

1 Peter 2:2, “As newborn babes, desire the sincere milk of the word, that ye may grow thereby:”

10. Is Obedient to a Higher Authority—It flows from a heart that is obviously obedient to the Heavenly Father.

Proverbs 24:21, ” My son, fear thou the LORD and the king: and meddle not with them that are given to change:”

Proverbs 23:26, “My son, give me thine heart, and let thine eyes observe my ways.”

Continue the discussion: How have you seen God bless these principles in your own life or family?

Becoming an Insightful Parent

caryschmidt — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 03:06:21 +0000

Becoming an Insightful Parent

Discerning Your Child’s Needs and Responding Biblically

Ephesians 6:4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

Do you understand your children? Do you know how to interpret their behavior? Do you understand warning signs and know how to respond? Do you connect their outward behavior with the condition of their heart? In Hebrews 5:12-13 we read a challenge to believers to be skillful in the Word and discerning, “For when for the time ye ought to be teachers, ye have need that one teach you again which be the first principles of the oracles of God; and are become such as have need of milk, and not of strong meat. 13 For every one that useth milk is unskilful in the word of righteousness: for he is a babe. 14 But strong meat belongeth to them that are of full age, even those who by reason of use have their senses exercised to discern both good and evil.”

The word discerning speaks of judicial estimation—the wisdom and ability to see what’s really doing on in a circumstance. This ability is something we should all desire in every area of life, but especially with nurturing of our own children. Frankly, the primary thing many parents care about is if their kids are “staying out of trouble.” But discerning parents desire to get beneath the surface and to understand what’s going on in they heart. Why?

The heart is where Biblical values are formed—only when we understand their heart can we understand where they stand with God, and if their faith is authentic or merely an outward, temporary show.

The heart is where questions are contemplated—every child has questions, and Satan is good at exploiting these questions and providing false answers. Parents who get into the heart, unearth those questions so they can provide biblical answers.

The heart is where real relationships are cultivated—like the root system of a tree or healthy plant, it’s beneath the surface, face to face, eye to eye, and heart to heart, that a strong relationship and authentic closeness is built.

The heart is where spiritual battle is fought—the Devil is going after our kids hearts. He wants their emotions, their beliefs, and their attitudes. If we’re going to with the spiritual battle, it must be fought for the heart.

A discerning parent is constantly on a sacred pursuit of their child’s heart. Let’s examine ten keys to developing a discerning spirit with our children:

1. Understand God’s Word —the primary way that any of us grow in discernment is the Word of God. The principles of God’s Word provide a foundation of understanding. If you will become a discerning parent, you must become a student of God’s Word and of good parenting books that expound God’s Word.

2. Ask for God’s Wisdom—This is one of God’s great promises to us in James 1—that He will give wisdom to anyone who will ask in faith. Wisdom is the ability to see the real needs and know how to respond. It is the ability to see your child as God sees and to respond as He would have you to respond. Wisdom will help you know when they need to be sent to their room, taken out to lunch, or put to bed.

3. Pray with and for Your Children—nothing will help you understand where the heart is like prayer with someone. Make it a priority to pray with them each night before bed. Sense their heart toward you, toward the Lord, and toward the challenges of life through their response—physically, in prayer. So few parents actually do this, but it’s so powerful and so simple! This brief time of prayer will accomplish spiritually what weeks and weeks of human effort could never accomplish.

4. Accept and Obey God Given Promptings—God gives every parent an internal warning system. We can either choose to accept or deny those warnings. These promptings from the Holy Spirit are easily reasoned away or ignored, but they are a most vital aspect of parenting. The times I have neglected these warnings, I have eventually come to regret it. The times I have heeded them, I have always discovered something that needed parental intervention. Wise parents accept God’s internal promptings, even if they don’t fully understand them or can’t explain them. You don’t need to explain what God is putting on your heart. You just need to heed and obey it.

5. Be a Team Player with Your Spouse—think and talk about your children together with your spouse. Pray for them together. When talking together, God will give you collective thought and wisdom to create a biblical approach to dealing with the situations your children face. In these talks, Dad and Mom can mutually benefit from each other’s insight. When parents are a team, they heed each other’s cautions, listen to each others perspectives, and respond with unified hearts. This is a great gift to any child!

6. Spend Quantity Time with Your Children—Discernment takes study, and study takes time. The more time you spend with your children, the better you will understand their ups and downs, their growth, and their behavior. Time with them will help you be able to sort through what is a normal part of their personality, what is a spiritual struggle, and what is the expression of a heart need. This should be connected time when you are talking and enjoying each other—not TV or movie time, and not time shared with other friends. Try to spend one on one time with each child each week. You may miss some weeks, but if every week is your goal, you stand a good chance of staying on course.

7. Choose to Look Beyond the Surface—don’t focus merely on behavior. Ask where the behavior is coming from. Consider the reasoning, the logic, the thought processes, and the emotions that produce the decisions and behavior of your child. This is discernment in action—seeing beneath the surface. For instance, when your child is misbehaving, obviously it’s a sin problem, but ask the Lord, “What’s the trigger?”

8. Respond with Biblical Principles— Target the heart and pursue the transformation of the heart. Teach and transfer Biblical principles and constantly be sensitive to whether the heart is open to those principles or whether there is merely outward conformity. Always point them to the highest authority—the Heavenly Father. If you’re not sure what to say or how to say it, then get help and seek advice. At all costs, point your child to God’s truth as the answer for every life problem. Always show them how your discipline connects to God and His authority in life.

9. Respond with Appropriate Authority—A variety of behaviors require a variety of responses. As parents, we can’t answer everything with a heavy hammer. Strong discipline should be only one of many tools in your parental toolbox. It’s doesn’t make sense to kill a mosquito with an atomic bomb, but many parents use the atomic bomb for everything. That’s unwise. Ask the Lord to guide your responses and to make them appropriate to the need. Sometimes our children need reproof, other times rebuke, and other times exhortation. (2 Timothy 4:2, “…reprove, rebuke, exhort with all longsuffering and doctrine.”)

10. Respond with Compassion—No matter how hard you deal with a situation, always let that hard response rest on the firm foundation of compassion. Begin and end with compassionate nurture, even if hardness is needed in between. If your child will hug you, pray with you, or respond to you, then the heart is open. If not, then the heart is closed.

Discerning Your Child’s Needs and Responding Biblically

Ephesians 6:4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

Do you understand your children? Do you know how to interpret their behavior? Do you see and understand early warning signs of future problem? Do you connect their outward behavior with the condition and direction of their heart? In this article I want to challenge you to becoming a discerning parent and give some practical steps on “how.”

In Hebrews 5:12-13 we read a challenge to believers to be skillful in the Word and discernment, “For when for the time ye ought to be teachers, ye have need that one teach you again which be the first principles of the oracles of God; and are become such as have need of milk, and not of strong meat. For every one that useth milk is unskilful in the word of righteousness: for he is a babe. But strong meat belongeth to them that are of full age, even those who by reason of use have their senses exercised to discern both good and evil.”

The word discern speaks of judicial estimation—it’s wisdom, insight, and accurate perspective. This ability is something we should desire in every area of life, but especially with nurturing our children. Too many parents only care if their kids are “staying out of trouble.” But discerning parents see beneath the surface and seek to understand what’s going on in the heart. Why?

The heart is where Biblical values are formed—this is the only way to know if their faith is representative of an authentic relationships with God or merely an outward, temporary show.

The heart is where questions are contemplated—every child has questions, and when parents are out of touch, Satan is good at exploiting these questions and providing false answers. Parents who get into the heart, unearth those questions so they can provide biblical answers. (John 8:23, “And ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free.”)

The heart is where real relationships are cultivated—like the root system of a tree or healthy plant, it’s beneath the surface, face to face, eye to eye, and heart to heart, that a strong relationship and authentic closeness is built.

The heart is where spiritual battle is fought—the Devil is going after our kids hearts. He wants their emotions, their beliefs, and their attitudes. If we’re going to with the spiritual battle, it must be fought for the heart.

A discerning parent is constantly on a sacred pursuit of their child’s heart. Let’s examine ten keys to developing parental discernment with our children:

1. Understand God’s Word—The primary way that any of us grow in discernment is the Word of God. The principles of God’s Word provide a foundation for all parental decision making. If you will become a discerning parent, you must become a student of God’s Word and of good parenting books that expound God’s Word.

2. Ask for God’s Wisdom—This is one of God’s great promises given to us in James 1—that He will give wisdom to anyone who will ask in faith. Wisdom is the ability to see the real needs and know how to respond. It is the ability to see your child as God sees and to respond as He would.

3. Pray with and for Your Children—Nothing will help you understand where the heart is like prayer. Make it your priority to pray with them each night before bed. Sense their heart toward you, toward the Lord, and toward the challenges of life. So few parents actually do this, but it’s so powerful and so simple! This brief time of prayer will accomplish spiritually what weeks and weeks of human effort could never accomplish.

4. Accept and Obey the Holy Spirit’s Promptings—God gives every Christian parent an internal warning system. We can choose to accept or deny those warnings. They are easily reasoned away or ignored, but they are a most vital aspect of parenting. The times I have neglected these warnings, I have eventually come to regret it. The times I have heeded them, I have always discovered something that needed parental intervention. Wise parents accept God’s internal promptings, even if they don’t fully understand them or can’t explain them. You don’t need to explain what God is putting on your heart. You just need to heed and obey it.

5. Be a Team Player with Your Spouse—Think and talk about your children together with your spouse. Pray for them together. When talking together, God will give you collective insight and the wisdom to create a biblical approach to dealing with the situations your children face. In these talks, Dad and Mom can mutually benefit from each other’s perspective. When parents are a team, they heed each other’s cautions, listen to each others insight, and respond with unified hearts. This is a great gift to any child!

Click here for part two of this article, as we examine five more tips for developing parental discernment.

Ministry Idea: 3 Questions

caryschmidt — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 21:32:16 +0000

Are you looking for a good way to get to know your students or those to whom you minister? Here’s a quick and simple way to get a glimpse into the heart and cause someone to think more deeply.

This past week, in our 12th grade Sunday school class and at our Single Life retreat, we did a short assignment that really helped me understand where the students are in their hearts and on their spiritual journeys. It’s an easy exercise, but informative, and it causes someone to pause and take inventory spiritually.

We handed out a blank sheet of paper in class and asked each student to answer the following three questions:

1. What has God been teaching me lately? Step back and survey the things you’ve heard from God’s Word, the choices you’ve made, and the circumstances you’re facing and simply ask, “What is God saying to me in all of this?” Anybody with even a slightly sensitive heart will be able to answer this question in a matter of moments. This is always a very valuable thought process. Take it a step further and ask, “How are you responding? Are you doing anything with what God is saying to you?”

2. What are my goals for the next 12 months? Fast forward the DVD of your life to 12 months from now. What would you like to see accomplished? What is your vision (the less tangible direction) and what are your goals (the tangible steps to achieve your vision)? I asked them to list three to five things they would like to see happen on a practical level in the coming year.

3. What are my dreams for the next 5 to 10 years? Ten years from now, where would you like to be and what would you like to be doing? What has God placed on your heart as a long-term direction. God’s will is a good start, but dig deeper. What do you hope God’s will includes?

The practical uses of this simple exercise are many. First, these are great questions to ask yourself, your spouse, or your family. Second, they work well in a variety of ministry contexts where you are trying to understand the hearts and desires of people. I have greatly enjoyed reading what our 12th graders and singles wrote down on their pages, and I have a much better understanding of how to pray for them in the coming months.

As a follow up for the seniors, I wrote them a letter and returned their pages to them. I also sent it to their parents with an encouraging letter. Then I typed up their goals and placed it into my files where I can pray for them over the year.

I’ve been a bit buried lately and haven’t been able to write many blog posts, but hopefully this simple thought will prove to be helpful to you. God bless!