Not long ago, my son asked my wife, “Was dad proud?” Then he said,”I work hard to make that man proud!”

His statement reminded me of the power of parental affirmation, and of how often I fail to let him know how proud I am of him! Affirmation is HUGE! The most hopeless young person is the one who feels he or she “just can’t win.” And too often, we as parents, inadvertently lead our kids to that conclusion. We can too easily or too quickly focus on “what still needs improvement” and miss “what’s right” in our kids lives. (I’m speaking to me!)

I’m not the “affirming parent” that I want to be—and that’s partially why I made this list. It’s what I see good parents do—the parents I wish I were more like—the parents I strive to be like! So, as food for thought, here’s a starter list of fifteen ways we could affirm our kids this week:

Speak Praise to Them—just pause in an unexpected moment and say, “Hey, I just want you to know I’m proud of you, and here are some reasons why!” or “Hey, I want you to know you’re really doing a great job in (fill in the blank here!)”

Write a Specific Note to Them—Write out the good qualities and successes you see unfolding in their lives. Even better—mail it to them. Their surprise is well worth the fifty cents!

Speak Highly of Them In Front of Others—When they can hear you, speak up to others about some of the ways you see them growing, doing right, or working hard. They will rise in their attempt to live up to your decsription!

Acknowledge Their Heart—Let them know you understand their good intentions, even when the outcome isn’t what you intended!

Seek to Understand Their Emotions—There’s something powerful about having “the way you feel” validated by someone in authority—even if the circumstances can’t change. You may not be able to give them their way, but you could let them know you understand how they feel.

Reward Them Tangibly—Pick up and give a gift for no reason other than the fact that you are proud of their good efforts in some area.

Honor Them Intangibly—Prefer them in a way that lets them know they are highly valued and esteemed by you. Treat them like you would treat someone very important in your world.

Spend Time With Them—They already know you’re busy, so giving them quantity and quality time will speak loudly as to your love and honor toward them.

Express Physical Affection Toward Them—Again, just randomly pause, wrap them up in your arms, and squeeze for a while. And while you do, say something like, “I love you so much! I can’t believe how awesome you are!”

Surprise Them—Their favorite restaurant or meal, a new book, a special event, or a spontaneous family memory—do something awesome that they aren’t expecting, and let them know it’s because you are proud of them.

Do a Random Act of Kindness for Them—Help them clean out their closet, fill their car with gas, send a quick text message, pick them up at school and go to lunch. There are about ten million other ideas you could come up with on your own.

Genuinely Admire Them—Pause, think about your child, and consider the ways they excel. Consider the areas in which you might even envy them—and then celebrate those qualities. (Be honest—some times and in some ways our kids flat put us to shame!)

Praise Them Publicly—This isn’t bragging if it’s done in the right way, from a grateful heart—but acknowledge what your children are doing right and what God is teaching you through them. One easy way to do this is to thank them in front of others.

Defer to Their Decision (When Possible)—Don’t fight over things worth losing. Preferring one another is a wonderful expression of love. For instance, let them choose where or what to eat for dinner. When possible, let them make a key decision and praise them for “getting it right.”

Made a Big Deal of Good Decisions—When your kids make a wise choice, go nuts! Celebrate spiritual victories with all the zeal and energy of a lunatic Super Bowl fan!

Man, do I want to grow in this area! I have so much room for improvement, and I’m sure you do too. Ask the Lord to give you an affirming spirit, and to make consistent affirmation a ritual part of your parenting efforts!

Related posts:

1. What Your Kids Want Most (and Need!)
2. New Data about Kids and Media
3. Spiritual Weapons for Wayward Kids
4. Saddest Letter I’ve Ever Read
5. 10 Things Your Teen Won’t Tell You (Part 3)
6. Mutations, Confusion, and Transitions Part One
7. The Top Ten Dating Mistakes Parents Make (Part 1)
8. 10 Things Teens Won’t Tell You (Part 1)

The contemporary church is seeing a mass exodus of young adults walking away from their faith in their late teens and early twenties. Some studies say the percentage is around 80% while others estimate it to be much higher. The statistic highlights major failures in many contemporary church ministry on a number of levels, but not all churches are seeing this lack of fruit.

While we are never content to see even one young life walk away from the faith, God has seen fit to bless biblical principles in the ministry of Lancaster Baptist Church. He has blessed the application of His Word across all ages of ministry. And over the past 25 years we’ve seen approximately 80% of our graduates stay faithful to the Lord. We’re not seeing the mass exodus in this church that many churches are seeing. And often we are asked “why?” What is God blessing?

In the next few paragraphs, I would like to share a concise summary of Bible principles that God is using to help young people grow up at Lancaster Baptist with a real faith that sustains into adulthood.

A Local Church Focus—simply put, while our church may have classes and groups of many ages and life context, we are one local church with one purpose and heart. The youngest to the oldest members of our church are a family. We grow together, pray together, serve together, worship together, and function as a church body.

God’s institution for reaching the world, changing lives, and carrying out His work on earth is the local church. Christ died for the church and the New Testament pattern for establishing others in the faith of Christ (of any age) is the New Testament Church. Our student ministry has never been an entity unto itself. It has always been integrally a part of our local church body. Our students may graduate from the youth group, but they never graduate from the local church.

“…that thou mayest know how thou oughtest to behave thyself in the house of God, which is the church of the living God, the pillar and ground of the truth.” 1 Timothy 3:15

A Family-Orientated Ministry—the first “institution” that God ever established was the home—the biblical family. And throughout His Word, He gives clear instructions to parents to teach, disciple, and nurture their children in the ways of the Lord. Many families have adopted a bit of a secular approach to the faith education of their children. They have essentially handed off the responsibility of Bible training to the church—considering themselves either too busy, or inadequate to the task. The problem is not that the church is teaching the Word, but that the parents are not.

Nothing could be more dangerous to our children spiritually. No local church entity can out-influence a parent. And God never intended for us parents to abdicate our responsibility simply because we place our children in a “spiritual environment.” It’s not either or, it’s both and! For twenty-five years our children’s and youth ministries have partnered with families, equipped families, and strengthened families in developing faith and discipling young people. While some youth ministries are structured to separate the family in spiritual contexts, ours has always been structured to unite the family. Together, the church youth ministry stands united with parents to fight for the next generation.

“And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” Ephesians 6:4

A Father-Led Philosophy—my first morning on staff at Lancaster Baptist Church included a 7 a.m. men’s prayer meeting. I will never forget meeting in Pastor Chappell’s office with a group of men that came in early to pray. This was not a staff meeting. It was a group of laymen. That morning we prayed around the room for over an hour, and one by one I heard young Christian men—recently saved husbands and fathers—on their knees, pouring out their hearts to God. They prayed for their children, their marriages, their pastor, their church, and for lost souls.

That meeting is forever etched into my memory. I knew that morning that God was going to do something great at Lancaster Baptist. Here was a pastor dedicating himself to building and discipling men to be godly fathers and leaders both at home and in the church. And since that time, God has continued to honor Pastor Chappell’s commitment to disciple faithful men.

“And the things that thou hast heard of me among many witnesses, the same commit thou to faithful men, who shall be able to teach others also.” 2 Timothy 2:2

An Age-Based, Biblical Education Effort—every now and then someone will ask me, “…is youth ministry in the Bible? Is age-graded education really a biblical concept?” The answer is a simple yes—when done biblically! While the title of “children’s pastor” or “youth pastor” isn’t found in the Bible, there are several passages that very clearly promote the concept of the church bringing order to age-based education.

First, in Titus 1:5, the Apostle Paul commands Titus to “set in order” the things that are wanting. This is a broad command that gave Pastor Titus a directive to establish structure and order in ministry. Then, later in Titus 2, the Apostle Paul gives a clear pattern for older men and women (not just parents) to teach younger men and women. Titus 2 is a key Bible passage for establishing a biblical ministry to youth and young adults.

He begins by telling us to teach sound doctrine, then proceeds to give a longer, more detailed list that older Christians (men and women) in the congregation should impart to younger Christians.

Finally, Galatians 4:2 gives fathers permission to appoint tutors and governors in their children’s lives to assist in instruction and education.

God has blessed these simple but powerful principles at Lancaster Baptist. In ministry to young people, we focus on faith-building, Bible teaching and training. Student ministry isn’t about entertainment. It’s about meat—content—prepared, delivered, and applied to young lives, just as the Apostle Paul did by addressing different age groups and life-contexts in his letters. (See Ephesians 5 and 6)

“But speak thou the things which become sound doctrine: That the aged men be sober, grave, temperate, sound in faith, in charity, in patience. The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Young men likewise exhort to be sober minded.” Titus 2:1-6

A Biblical Student Ministry—the contemporary church has missed the mark in modern student ministry, and the statistics prove it. And movements that are “anti-student ministry” or “anti-local church” are also missing the mark. Biblical student ministry is all of the things above, but it is first and foremost about the Bible!

Somewhere over the past few decades, many churches began to believe that young people couldn’t be serious about faith or truly interested in a personal relationship with Christ. This errant assumption led to a “dumb it down” mentality—an attempt to sort of sneak up on kids with spiritual things by masking it in fun and flippancy. The false assumption was that “Christ is not attractive enough, so we need to make the faith attractive by making it entertaining or humorous.”

Don’t misunderstand me. We have lots of fun with our young people. We laugh—that’s biblical. We enjoy and rejoice in the faith and with each other—that’s biblical. We love living life for Christ—that’s biblical. But we have never felt a need to mask the sober things of Scripture or the doctrines of God’s Word with the “icing” of the world. We don’t lower God to their level. We would rather, by His grace and Word, lift them into His presence.

Guess what?! They get it! They understand the truth. They appreciate it. And more importantly, they fall in love with God—not merely with a program or an entertaining activity. And when they grow older, when they out-grow juvenility, they won’t out-grow their Saviour.

“For this cause also thank we God without ceasing, because, when ye received the word of God which ye heard of us, ye received it not as the word of men, but as it is in truth, the word of God, which effectually worketh also in you that believe.” 1 Thessalonians 2:13

A Personal Mentoring Commitment—developing faith in young lives at our church has never been merely a group proposition. It has always been a personal, relational process. In addition to our group teaching times, it has always been about an older man or an older woman from within the church family investing into a younger man or younger woman spiritually. This happens in coffee shops, McDonalds booths, and living rooms every week all across our city. And this personal ministry gives the public teaching context an even greater depth and effectiveness.

When I read or hear of someone questioning the validity of youth ministry, or when I hear someone say, “Youth ministry or age-based ministry isn’t in the Bible…” I wonder how young Timothy would feel about that. Long before he was a pastor or a minister in training, he was a lost youth without a Christian father, who was reached and discipled by the Apostle Paul.

In ministry to children, youth, or young adults, we can’t take the parent’s place in training the child, but thanks to local church and biblical principles, we can stand united with them—striving together for the faith in young lives. Parents should never hand off the baton of faith-training. But there’s certainly nothing wrong with being in the same boat (the local church) together and grabbing an oar!

I challenge you—parents, pastors, youth workers, children’s workers, and local church family—stand united in fighting for the next generation. God’s pattern—the local church and the family laboring together to build faith in young lives—still works, if we will commit to it!

“…that ye stand fast in one spirit, with one mind striving together for the faith of the gospel;” Philippians 1:27

Related posts:

1. Why Young People Stay Faithful
2. Saddest Letter I’ve Ever Read
3. Response #1 to The Saddest Letter
4. Problems with Fun-Focused Youth Ministry
5. Great Books for Christian Parents
6. 10 Things Teens Won’t Tell You (Part 1)
7. Response #2 to The Saddest Letter
8. Things I’d Like to Say to Every Young Adult

As promised, I’m writing three responses to the original post called “The Saddest Letter I’ve Ever Read.” I must confess, I’m in shock at the response to this letter—it obviously struck a nerve about which we all have strong feelings. So many comments have included helpful thoughts! You can read my first general response here.

In this second response I want to write primarily to parents, and in the third I will address the young lady who wrote the letter. (Also, there is a lot on this blog already written to parents, if you click on the parenting tag.) Warning—this post is a bit long.

This cannot be exhaustive, but first, I want to address what’s right.

1. If you are a part of a Bible-believing Church and faithfully involving your family there, you are doing the right thing. The local church, in its biblical form (not the current contemporary, seeker-sensitive, CCM version) is still God’s answer for His transforming work in lives. The church is to be the pillar and ground of truth. The church is commanded to preach and teach the Word of God to both the parents and the young people (see Titus 2 and 1 Peter 5).

I was saved at age seven in the ministry of a solid, Bible-believing church that proceeded to train me and my family quite well in how to develop a personal relationship with the Lord, how to walk like a Christian family, and how to balance the personal relationship with spirit-led living that honored that relationship. While there were rules involved—good, biblical, principled rules—we understood from the beginning it was not about rules or external appearances.

The ministries of this church—children’s programs, youth ministry, soulwinning, outreach, and special events all contributed to our family life and spiritual growth, and yet it was up to my parents to keep that in balance. Thankfully they did. The local church, in its biblical form, still works quite well. I experienced it as a child, and I’m watching it all around me as a pastor.

2. Church programs, Christian schools, and youth groups are a help when done biblically and in balance. Again, building on my first point, I don’t believe the local church (in principle) is the problem. There are certainly a lot of churches that are taking the wrong path, and a lot of programs that are more carnal than spiritual in nature. But in the right local church, the youth program is family focused—building both parents and teens. The youth program is not built or designed to divide the family but to help strengthen it. The Christian school is the same. I’m not saying that all models function this way, but when they are done right, these things help the whole family.

For my 21 years in youth ministry, I’ve been as focused on the parents as I have on the teens—sometimes more so. My constant battle is Malachi 4:6—trying to turn the hearts of the children and the fathers toward each other. I truly thank the Lord for families, like the family of the young lady who wrote the letter, who are committed to the Lord and the local church. One day, she will look back and be eternally grateful for the right things they did—even though at the moment she is burdened about the short comings.

If, as in some families, the programs and the activities rob family time, that is not the fault of the ministry. Every parent is responsible for setting their own family schedule, and sometimes Christian parents just need to say, “You’re not going to that youth activity.” Yes, this is a youth pastor writing this. I would much rather our teens stay home for a family night than come to a youth activity. (So long as family night is more than mindless TV or movies.)

So, while everybody’s experiences are slightly different, I’m dead set against pointing the finger at God’s institutions as though they are biblically flawed. Parents, find a Bible-believing church that practices God’s Word appropriately and keep your family well-grounded there.

Second, let’s discuss where we tend to lose our way, as parents. This is written with a humble spirit, because as a parent I have found myself doing all of these things at times. I’m not the expert—just a dad trying to get it right like you are.

1. We get too busy. In today’s culture, this is HUGE! From work, to more work, to sports, to internet, to other obligations, we just let events and opportunities rule our lives. Like a big dog walking a small child, we get dragged around by the agenda, and we fail to spend authentic, heart-to-heart time with our kids. The older they get, the easier it is, because they get busy too! Teenagers have sports practices, music lessons, activities, school trips, homework, projects, work, and on and on the list goes.

Successful families own this challenge and face it head on—they don’t let life run over their family. I wrote about this in Hook, Line and Sinker. They make sure, on a weekly basis, that they are getting family time and one-on-one time. Dad, you need one-on-one time with your kids every week—or nearly so. You need a whole family night minimally a couple nights a week or more. You need conversations over dinner, laughter, and uninterrupted time together.

Perhaps most importantly, you need to pray with every child, individually, at their bedside, every night. We have done this with our kids since they were infants, and I know of nothing that keeps a parent and child’s hearts knit so well as prayer before bed. Express love for them, remind them of how thankful you are for them, and pour your heart out to God for them. If you are just starting this, it will seem awkward, but work through that. The rewards are too great. Parents whom I have counseled on this and who have taken my advice have seen radical transformation in their relationship very quickly.

Every so often, take a day off—no homework, no school—just get away together. Just you and your child go do something highly relationship oriented. Take a drive, go to a park, take a long walk, toss a football, enjoy being together. Once a year, take a whole day with each one of your children, alone. Just Dad and son, or Dad and daughter. Make it happen. You will never forget it and neither will they! An occasional line around our home when homework and family time conflict is simply this— “Take a demerit… no homework tonight, it’s family night.” A teacher may not always understand that, but in the end the teacher has a better student so everybody wins!

Don’t let busyness eat up your family life. If they will ever have a relationship with your God, it must begin with you!

2. We don’t know enough and we get intimidated. Let’s face it, we as parents do struggle with knowing how to parent. What do we teach? What do we talk about? How do we respond to our kids questions, trials, struggles? How do we help them become comfortable opening up to us and sharing their struggles, and how do we help them if they do? Generally, we know when we fall short and don’t have the right information, and that scares us frozen. Instead of dealing with the situations, we ignore the problems because we don’t quite know what to do.

First, I want to say, you know more than you think you do. You know how to pray, how to love, how to encourage, how to empathize. You know how to seek the Holy Spirit and ask God for wisdom—and He’s promised to answer that prayer. He will guide you in those moments and help you say the right things. A part of it is just stepping up with courage and trusting God to help you.

But second, I challenge you to become a student of biblical parenting. When is the last time you read a Christian book on parenting? When is the last time you listened to a CD set of messages or took a class on parenting teenagers? As parents we should become constant students—growing and discovering the biblical principles at play in parenting. They are not rocket science. It just takes time, study, and commitment.

I believe the same goes for youth workers. When a youth pastor asks me for a good book on student ministry, I always refer him to parenting books and challenge him to help parents as well as young people. When parents come to me for counsel, I give them parenting books and talk them through specific steps of principled parenting. Be a learner and a growing parent.

3. We find it hard to swallow our pride. Nobody knows our struggles as well as our kids. They see us at our worst. And sometimes, we as parents find it hard to make things right when we blow it. An authentic relationship, and a Christ-like model begins with humility. A humble parent is willing to own mistakes, ask forgiveness, and make relationships right. Many families carry a constant weight of unresolved conflict and past offenses—they were never dealt with or made right—so they just sit there like dead weight, dividing the hearts and burdening the relationship.

Parent, if we want our children to have the right relationship with Christ, we must model it through sincere, transparent humility. When you do wrong, and your kids see it or know about it, deal with it. When you offend your child or fly off the handle inappropriately, sit down and ask forgiveness and make it right. Prideful parenting is hypocritical. It shuts a child’s heart to the things of God. Duplicity is death for sincere Christian living.

Have you ever had an open conversation with your child when you ask, “How can I be a better parent? How have I offended you? How have I hurt you? Do you have enough time with me? Is there a struggle that I can help you with right now? Do you feel close to me, and if not, why not? What can I do to make it right?”

These are difficult conversations to have, and sometimes they take hours—but they are part of growing in Christ as a Christian family. It may take some time for your child to open up, and it must be a non-threatening atmosphere for that to happen—but it will change your relationship dramatically.

4. We do tend to focus on externals and behavior. In our busyness and rush through life, it is easy to get the idea that if everything looks good, it is good. Then our kids start to figure out how to “play the game.” “If I look good, then everybody is happy with me and will stay off my back.” It’s a natural drift more than an intentional shift of focus. It just happens over time because life is busy. But this is where Satan takes his advantage in the heart.

In parenting we must constantly ask ourselves, how is the heart? How is MY heart for the Lord? How are my children’s hearts for the Lord? Am I training and nurturing their hearts? Are biblical principles finding their way to the heart? Is my child’s heart for God and love for God developing? We must trace everything back to the heart. We must ask of every behavior—what heart attitude or condition is driving this?

5. We get tired or weary. Sometimes we’re just tired and we get lazy. After a long day, we want to come home and collapse, and it’s right about then that our most important work should be starting. Sometimes we’re just not up for a late-night discussion with our teenager—especially a stressful one. We throw up our hands in despair, walk away, and seemingly say, “Deal with it on your own, I’m too tired…”

This is the worst possible thing we could do. Successful parents pay the price. They make the sacrifice. They go the extra mile. The will stay up as late as necessary, rearrange whatever is needed, take time off work, skip a meal, or make major changes in life to facilitate the need of a child. That speaks loudly to your teenager! The love exchanged in such tense moments says, “I’m so committed to you, I will do whatever I have to do to make this right and help you through this.” That’s Christ-like love and it touches the heart deeply.

6. We sometimes believe that providing the right atmosphere makes up for our failures. Good atmospheres like church and school and youth group are wonderful and biblical, but they are secondary to the home. They can really only complement or assist with what you are putting in place first. There is a strong tendency in today’s Christian home to deflect spiritual responsibility onto an organization. Many parents feel that their responsibility is to provide food, shelter, education, and basic needs—and the spiritual stuff is the responsibility of the spiritual environments (church, school, youth group). This is a wrong way of thinking.

Parents, you cannot, in any way, abdicate your spiritual responsibility and hand it off to another. The church, school, and youth group can help. We can reinforce and support and strengthen what you are doing, but we cannot replace what you are not doing. Children gain their understanding of a relationship with God primarily from their parents. They learn principles of Christian living and their basic understanding of the Christian life from their home. If the home is not in agreement with the church and youth group, then we are conducting an exercise of confusion and hypocrisy in their lives that will eventually blow up in our face when they walk away from it all.

7. We must model an authentic relationship with Christ. Our kids don’t expect us to be perfect—just real. If your children see you in love with Jesus, walking with Him, knowing Him, growing in His grace, and honoring Him—and then they experience that love flowing toward them from you—they too will most likely fall in love with Him. It’s really that simple. Too many parents over use their authoritarian, harsh tones, and forceful control of behavior—to the neglect of Christ-like love and genuine heart connectedness.

Don’t misunderstand. Every parent must exercise authority. But a parent-child relationship shouldn’t be characterized by the constant presence of overbearing authoritarianism. In a Christ-like home, that shouldn’t be necessary. The love of Christ should be the overriding, presiding presence in your family life, and it should flow from your genuine walk with Christ as a parent. The hearts of our kids blossom and come to life in the light of such a relationship. Home life in this sort of Christian home is a taste of Heaven—certainly not perfect or conflict free, but at least healthy and whole.

8. We must genuinely enjoy our kids and help them genuinely enjoy their Heavenly Father. Sometimes I want to ask parents, “When did you stop liking your kids?” It’s almost as if some parents find every way imaginable not to spend time together as a family and not to enjoy their children. People use to warn us when our kids were small, “Wait til they become teenagers!” Their tone was filled with dread. To this day, I honestly don’t know what they meant. Our family life and relationships have become more sweet and close, and much more enjoyable as our kids have grown through their teen years—not to mention less work because they can now help with household duties! They’ve become our best friends!

Family life in a Christian home should be close, loving, funny, enjoyable, memorable, and something a young person craves! It’s not natural for a teen to never want to be at home, or always locked in their room, or never wanting to be around Mom and Dad. It may be common. Hollywood may promote this as the norm. But it’s not what God designed or intended. I believe I can speak for my whole family—when we get busy and don’t get time together, we genuinely miss it. All of us.

Families that play together stay together. I love that! It’s true. As a parent, you must plan the play time. Get creative and recapture the heart of your child. Laugh together. Laugh at each other. Hey, I’ve got cancer—and believe it or not, we even laugh at that some times, especially my bald head.

This post is much too long, and insufficient to the discussion, but if nothing else, let it place you on a search—a growing curve of researching and grasping balanced, biblical parenting with the assistance of a solid, Bible-believing, local church and pastor who can greatly help.

Parent—the letter the young lady wrote was a heart cry for parental connection—heart connection. It’s the desire and desperate need of every young person. Stay focused on the heart. Forever be in pursuit of your child’s heart, just as your heart should forever be in pursuit of God.

As you pursue God with your whole heart, and pursue your child with your whole heart—most likely the two will meet!

Related posts:

1. Response #1 to The Saddest Letter
2. Saddest Letter I’ve Ever Read
3. Response #3 to the Saddest Letter
4. Great Books for Christian Parents
5. Why Young People Stay Faithful
6. 7 Big Parenting Mistakes
7. United—Fighting for the Next Generation
8. The Top Ten Dating Mistakes Parents Make (Part 3)

As a side note, let me first say, the letter is real. A few people have expressed doubt that perhaps I wrote the letter. I don’t operate that way. I wouldn’t deliberately post a lie on this blog. If I was writing fiction for the sake of illustration, I would just say so. The young lady who wrote the letter gave us her cell phone and we contacted her personally about using her letter. It jolted me as much as it did you.

So on with my general response. I want to draw a few key and critical points from a big picture perspective:

1. The letter and the problems articulated are not about finding blame. I did not read a spirit of blame in this letter, so much as a sincere and honest cry for help. She acknowledged imbalances that she experienced growing up, sensed that others experience the same, and simply asked that someone try to address these imbalances. Nobody grows up in a perfect home, and yes everybody is ultimately responsible for making their own spiritual choices—but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t address these patterns of imbalance that are prevalent in many homes.

2. The problems described in her letter are universal—they are present in every group, not just one or two. This is not a set of problems that flow from a certain type of church or home. They are foundational problems that could be present in any home. Neglectful parents, fragmented families, and bitter children are the norm for our culture and society. It’s impossible to point at any particular brand of Christianity and say, “That’s the source!”

3. There truly are some fantastic resources for parents and families that address the very problems this young lady described. And I believe there is a growing generation of parents (one which this young lady will probably soon be a part of) that desperately want to fight these problems biblically and with godly compassion. The two books that come to mind that every parents should read multiple times are both written by Tedd Tripp—Shepherding a Child’s Heart and Instructing a Child’s Heart. These books excellently detail a biblical approach to parenting that will resolve the problems described in the letter.

4. Rules are not the problem, lack of relationship is the problem. (I’m talking about biblical, well principled rules.) I’ve often seen families and teens toss aside all “rules” under the guise of “legalism”—a word often misused and misunderstood. Tossing rules aside doesn’t help. But I agree strongly that the presence of rules without a strong relationship simply breeds rebellion. Any strong relationship will have boundaries. It’s that simple. My marriage, to be strong, must have boundaries. The boundaries are not standards of legalism, they are merely rules of conduct that protect the relationship. If I love the relationship—the person—there are certain things I will do and will not do—if only to PLEASE the other person. Such is our relationship with God. The behavior, the “faith in action,” along with the rules, should flow from a heart that is deeply in love and close to Him. Loving Him is the only real and lasting motivation for living a godly lifestyle. And the Bible is very clear about God’s desire for us to live godly lives—holy, distinct, separated from the world. But those “rules” or “standards” or “boundaries” are designed not to create mere performance or outward appearance, they are to flow from and facilitate a continued strong personal relationship with the Lord.

I recently taught our senior high an entire lesson on this entitled “Avoiding the Trap of Impersonal Christianity”—the point being that God would rather us put away all of our religiosity if our hearts are far from Him. He desires our hearts first, and then our lifestyle to reflect that heart. In practicality, my own children don’t have a problem with my rules as long as my heart is closely knit to theirs and as long as I am directing their hearts to the Lord. (This lesson will probably post soon on our SM127 podcast on iTunes.)

5. Everybody writes from their own paradigm. I noticed in the comments we all had pretty strong opinions about various aspects of her letter. Some are of the opinion that every church (of a certain type) is this way, or most families (of certain affiliations) are this way. It’s impossible to throw that large of a blanket over Christendom or any one segment of Christianity. For instance, I grew up in several churches. One was well balanced in these matters and trained my parents and me to put relationships first. We did, and as a new Christian family we were greatly helped. One church was exactly the opposite—total surface, appearance driven, and very political in nature. Everything was about externals—if you looked good and conformed well, that’s all that mattered. The vast majority of young people from that church have wandered away from God in their adult years, many into very deep sin. My present church is the one I have served in for 21 years.

Philosophically, we have done our best to be balanced and biblically focused on relationships, but also keep the restraint right by setting the right boundaries. I’m sure we have failed at times. But, we have seen, on average, about 80% of our young people stay faithful to God into their adult years. That’s not good enough, but we are doing our best to fight the battle biblically. Point being, don’t allow your narrow paradigm to cause you to paint with a broad brush over any one segment of Christianity. For instance, if everybody you know is doing it wrong, that doesn’t represent the whole.

6. There are  a lot of churches and homes doing it right. Through our teen-parent meetings, family counseling, and fellowship at Lancaster Baptist, it has been my joy to get to know hundreds, perhaps thousands, of parents and families over the years. In addition to this, I’ve been exposed to hundreds of churches and pastors through our ministry, and I want to say, there are a lot of people—pastors, parents, youth pastors—who understand this problem, grew up with this problem, and are fighting to break out of and avoid this trend. Some are those who grew up like the young lady who wrote the letter. Others simply came through ministries where they experienced the imbalance. Others grow up with a good model and are perpetuating it. And yet others are simply godly people who have a very biblical focus in life. But I am encouraged with what I see in Bible-believing churches with whom I fellowship. I am encouraged with the families that I see at Lancaster Baptist and the parents who are diligently attempting to get it right.

7. Kids who grow up in the best of environments can still grow up and choose sin, reject God, and experience deep problems. I guess the ultimate proof of this is that people will choose to reject Christ at the end of the millennial reign! Imagine growing up in the millennial reign of Jesus Christ in the perfect world. Even then, Satan will be able to deceive many and mount an army against Christ. At some point it becomes, not a matter of how I grew up, but where I will decide to go in the future and how I will respond to my past.

8. Finally, the problems revealed in the letter are generational in nature. We’re not dealing with new problems. For the most part, today’s neglectful and disconnected parents are children of the same, and often their grandparents are too. Satan has been hard at work on the American family for many generations. It’s been a long time since healthy families were the norm. It’s been a long time since many people have seen a good model of family life—especially a biblical one.

For instance, just last week I had an appointment with a father who has never talked to his teenage son about sexual matters—this is true of most fathers (and grandfathers). He was asking for help in how to do so. He said his father had never talked to him and he was unsure of how to approach this. I was happy to help, but reminded again of the failure of past generations. I can’t imagine a more important subject for a father and teen son to have a continual and close connection on, but so few actually do.

Many parents have just never seen a good model and never been taught the biblical principles, but I find that Christian parents are hungry to help. That encourages me!

In my next response, I will write to parents. I look forward to hearing your thoughts again… feel free to comment below.

Related posts:

1. Saddest Letter I’ve Ever Read
2. Response #2 to The Saddest Letter
3. A Wrap Up to the “Saddest Letter”
4. Response #3 to the Saddest Letter
5. The Top Ten Dating Mistakes Parents Make (Part 3)
6. United—Fighting for the Next Generation
7. 10 Things Your Teen Won’t Tell You (Part 2)
8. Things I’d Like to Say to Every Young Adult

I received this letter from a young lady last week—a Bible college student who grew up in a Christian home and Christian school. I believe it’s the saddest letter I’ve ever read and right on the mark for so detailing the experiences of so many young Christians. I asked her permission to post it. Please read. Her words will greatly challenge you as a parent or pastor:

Dear Pastor Schmidt,

A few years ago, I read your books Hook, Line, and Sinker, Discover Your Destiny, and Life Quest. I found them to be extremely encouraging and instructive. These books showed me that not only do you have a real heart for young people, but you also understand us well. I am writing to ask you to consider writing a book to our parents and youth workers. Let me explain.

I am a junior at a well-known Christian college. I grew up in highly respected “fundamental independent Baptist” churches, and went to excellent Christian schools. My father has been a Christian worker since before I was born. One would think that my testimony would go something like this:

“I was saved when I was about 5 and I had dedicated my life to God and I have been growing a lot and serving Him and now I’m studying to serve Him full time.” But that isn’t my story. Actually, though I did make a profession of faith when I was very young, I didn’t get saved until I was 17. Since I was 12 and now on into college I have struggled with “serious” issues. And I found out when I went to college that I am not the only “good kid” who is or has struggled with or is still struggling with serious stuff. We struggle with issues like eating disorders, depression and suicide, cutting, pornography, gender identity, homosexuality, drugs, drinking, immorality, and the list could go on. We listen to “wild” music, we idolize pop culture’s heroes, we watch dirty sitcoms. We have no discrimination in our entertainment, dress, or any aspect of our lifestyle. Obviously, I’m generalizing our problems—you would not find that every Christian young person from a conservative background struggles with all of these issues, and praise God, some of us do not struggle with any of these issues.

My point is that the problems that are supposed to be bad kid’s problems belong to us too. Unfortunately, our parents and youth workers don’t know that we struggle with these things and they don’t know what to do with us when they find out. Quite frankly, I believe that if you grabbed the average Christian school teacher or youth worker and asked them, “What would you do if you found out that one of the kids you work with was a homosexual?” they wouldn’t know what to say.

My point is not simply that they don’t know what we struggle with or how to deal with it. I think there is a pretty simple reason why “good” kids struggle with such serious stuff. And that there is a solution. At the risk of being blunt, I’m going to be blunt.

Our parents did not spend time teaching us to love God. Our parents put us in Sunday Schools since K4. Our parents took us to church every time the doors opened, and sent us to every youth activity. They made sure we went to good Christian colleges. They had us sing in the choir, help in the nursery, be ushers, go soulwinning. We did teen devotionals, and prayed over every meal. We did everything right. And they made sure that we did.

But they forgot about our hearts. They forgot that the Bible never commanded the church to teach children about God and His ways. That responsibility was laid at the feet of our fathers. Unfortunately, our fathers don’t have time for us. They put us where we are surrounded by the Bible. But they didn’t take time to show us that God was important enough to them to tell us personally about Him. So to us, Christianity has become a religion of externals. Do all the right stuff, and you’re a good Christian. So, some of us walk away from church. Some of us stay in church and fill a pew. Many of us struggle with stuff that our parents have no idea about because they hardly know us.

I think these problems stem from first, our detachment from our parents, and second from our misunderstandings about the essence of Christianity—a relationship, not a list of rules. I worry that many young people like me are not even saved because of their misunderstandings about Christianity.

I know that this has not been a well articulated treatise, but it comes from my heart. If you are able to help us and our families, we would be so grateful. I realize that probably, there is no way to fix the fact that kids my age are detached from our parents or to straighten out the crazy stuff that we struggle with. The alienation is fixed, the scars are permanent. I know our situation is not hopeless. God is at work in my life and my generation, among those of us who have struggled and are struggling. But maybe our younger siblings can have some help that we never had. Maybe you can write a book for our parents that will grab their attention and help them see that this is serious—that their kids need them, desperately.

I guess I’ve run out of things to say. I must say I’m a little hesitant to share my name with you because that attaches me with my parents, who are, by the way, good people. Thanks for everything you have already done to help Christian teens and their families. I’m eager to see what else God will do through you.

Sincerely,

(Name Removed to Protect Anonymity)

All I could say when I read this letter was, “WOW! She nailed it!” This is the battle I’ve been fighting for 21 years. I’m planning to write a couple of follow up articles to this letter, but for now, let this insightful young lady’s words sink in, and let God help you evaluate your own parenting and influence.

Are we teaching kids to simply appear and act right? Or are we teaching them to LOVE God and KNOW Him personally?

What are your thoughts?

PS – My first response to this letter is posted here.

Related posts:

1. Response #1 to The Saddest Letter
2. Response #2 to The Saddest Letter
3. A Wrap Up to the “Saddest Letter”
4. Response #3 to the Saddest Letter
5. 7 Big Parenting Mistakes
6. United—Fighting for the Next Generation
7. Why Young People Stay Faithful
8. Top 15 Questions Christian Teens Ask

This past week in Sunday School we were studying lesson five of the Discover Your Destiny series—”What About My Plans?” Historically I start this class by asking individual teens to share their plans and dreams. “What are your hopes for after high school?” We go around the room and kids hesitantly say everything from, “I”m planning to go to Bible college and serve God with my life” to “I’m planning on joining the military and then going into law enforcement.”

One of the exciting aspects of this class is simply taking a moment to “affirm” the amazing potential and future greatness in their lives. This past week, as I looked into the eyes of greatness to be, I was overwhelmed with their potential, but also with the fact that they probably struggle to believe that God really has a great plan for them! One young lady said, “I want to be an elementary teacher.” My heart soared when imagining what a great teacher she would be—and I told her so. “You would make the most incredible 3rd grade teacher, and school with you would be hilariously awesome!” One young man hesitantly said, “I would like to be a pastor.” My heart again raced with excitement as I imagined what a great pastor he could actually be! I told him so, “You would be a fantastic pastor, and I know God would use you to grow and encourage people!” Then something amazing happened.

The class was silent. (Pretty amazing if you know this class!) Riveted. Every eye and every ear attuned. Every single person in the room was dialed in to what was happening. And the kids I was affirming seemed to soak it up. I could tell this was a “God-moment.” I could tell whatever was happening was of the Lord. The Holy Spirit seemed to say, “These kids live in a world that works in excess to kill these dreams and visions. They live in a culture that views them as a marketing group and only wants to lull them into nothingness. They are ignited when someone actually stops and sees real vision and potential in them!” Then He said to me, “One of your responsibilities is to help awaken them to my vision for their future!” “Yes, Lord… Here am I… send ME!”

I made a decision after class. As long as God gives me breath and energy to serve young people, I want to stay captivated by His vision for each of their lives! And I want to communicate that passion to every young life that I can! Yes, I want them to love God. Yes, I want them to develop a real faith. Yes, I want them to live to honor the Lord. But right up there with all these things, I want to transfer a fiery, energetic vision to their hearts. I want God to use me to help them see the potential He has placed into their lives, to surrender that potential, develop it, and then use it for Him. I want to be a tipping point in their lives. I want their futures to be different because God gave me a moment with them. I want to be a catalyst for their future greatness for God. I want them to look back to my time with them and say, “That was one guy who helped me see that God has something special for me!”

The purpose of this post is simply to remind student ministry leaders of two things. First, your students need you to be passionate about their future. Your students are very capable of engaging with a significant vision for life, but they need you to be the catalyst—start the fire! In fact, without even realizing it, they are starving for this type of visionary leadership. Their hearts crave and long for someone to step in and capture their hearts for a fresh, compelling vision. They long for something to awaken them from their stupor and to call them to eternal significance. Like starving refugees, they devour attention that affirms their potential and helps them see beyond the mundane, digital babysitting components of their lives. They respond with vibrance and eagerness when they interact with someone who genuinely believes in them as amazing individuals.

Second, your calling is bigger than program. Your ministry isn’t the sum total of fundraisers, an activity schedule, broken down buses, corny jokes, and a short Bible lesson on Sundays. Don’t let the repetitive nature or the mundane details of your everyday existence in youth ministry cause you to lose sight of the bigger picture. The kids within your influence are growing up very rapidly! Before you know it, your time with them—your opportunity to significantly influence them—will come to an end. You have a huge mission and a short moment to make it happen. Lift your eyes to their future and help them see what God has in mind! It’s one of the most significant things you can do!

So go for it. Think beyond your next youth activity. Get outside of your program world. Don’t get too zoned in on the few scorners or rebels. Stop worrying about being accepted or cool to the teens. And whatever you do, DON’T look at  or become enamored with the contemporary youth ministry models of the evangelical movement unless you are writing a term paper on colossal failure!

Instead, get alone with God and let Him re-ignite your heart for what the kids in your youth group could become. Let God show you future pastors, teachers, leaders, parents, missionaries, etc. And then start telling them about it. Affirm them! Call them to the highest pursuit of life! Believe in them and in God’s heart for them! Be consumed with drawing their hearts into God’s vision through His Word!  You will be amazed at how they will grow into the vision and beyond it in the years to come.

The greatest influencers of my past were people who joyfully and abundantly helped me see and believe in God’s vision for my life. I had many such mentors. And along the way, I had some discouragers too—even a few in spiritual leadership. To this day, I remember the influencers and thank God for the vision they helped me embrace. And I remember the discouragers and regret that they missed their moment to stir and challenge me as a young person.

Today, personally, my greatest heroes in the ministry are the young people who grew up in our youth group and are now serving God with their lives. I stand in awe of them. I’m humbled to call them friends. They are truly greatness personified. They are all over the place doing amazing things for God, and I am one “lucky puppy” to have been granted just a moment with them along their journey to greatness. My influence on them was only one of many and was brief. But in that moment, I know I gave my best to helping them see God’s vision for their future! God give me more moments like those for Your glory!

In everything you do, and in every way possible, determine to challenge every young person you influence to the highest vision of life—the vision of living out the adventure we call “the perfect will of God”! There is no better life, and there is no better reason to be in student ministry!

Related posts:

1. Announcing the SM127 Podcast for Students
2. Things I’d Like to Say to Every Young Adult
3. Why Young People Stay Faithful
4. Saddest Letter I’ve Ever Read
5. United—Fighting for the Next Generation
6. Does God Care What We Wear? (Part 3)
7. Great Books for Christian Parents
8. Problems with Fun-Focused Youth Ministry

1. You are of eternal value and significance because God doesn’t make junk. Regardless of who mistreated you, what lies you’ve been told, or how bad your past has been—you have a future and God has good plans for you. Life can be bad, but God’s heart is always good! And only He can turn the bad into good. (Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.”)

2. You have an amazing contribution to make to the lives of others. God created you for the purpose of serving Him in the lives of others. This will be your family, your friends, your community, your co-workers, and your future family. People you’ve never met are counting on having your good influence some day. Don’t mess it up! (Proverbs 27:17, “Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.”)

3. You have incredible skills and abilities to develop for God’s glory. Don’t compare yourself to others. Let God help you become who He designed you to be. You have gifts and abilities that you have yet to discover and develop, so don’t lose hope! (1 Timothy 4:14, “Neglect not the gift that is in thee…”)

4. Your only hope for real happiness is a real, private, personal relationship with Jesus Christ. It starts at salvation, but that’s just the beginning! Walking with Him, knowing Him, and learning of Him on a daily basis is where life is really at its BEST! (Proverbs 18:24, “…there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.”)

5. Your life is more about your future than your past. I know lots of teens with bad pasts and bad trials because of the terrible decisions of others. But your future doesn’t have to be a response to the bad decisions of others. Don’t get angry and bitter about someone else’s stupidity. Don’t let them mess up your future. Move forward with God and chart a different course for your kids! (Hebrews 12:15, “Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled;”)

6. You will live by faith, whether you do your will or God’s will—be smart—place faith in the One who is in control. Life is not a sight/faith proposition. It’s a faith/faith proposition. Either you place faith in yourself—blind faith since you are neither in control nor all knowing. Or you place faith in God—intelligent faith since He is all powerful and all knowing! Be smart—go with God! (Romans 1:17, “For therein is the righteousness of God revealed from faith to faith: as it is written, The just shall live by faith.”)

7. You will get through the confusion and frustration you face during your teen years. Don’t freak out when you get confused or when things don’t go as you hoped. Go to God and let Him get you through it. He is the only way to sanity! (Isaiah 45:2, “I will go before thee, and make the crooked places straight…”)

8. Your only hope for the fulfillment of your deepest dreams is to passionately pursue God. If you chase dreams, you will come up disappointed, even if they get fulfilled. Dreams are the product of the design of God—He knows how to fulfill them. Loving Him is your job! Fulfilling your heart is His job! Don’t get the roles reversed! (Psalm 37:4, “Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.”)

9. Your pathway to godly success is littered with traps and pitfalls—so follow the Guide. God’s Word is the ultimate guide. When you know God and know His principles, you are safeguarding your steps. Unless you want to step into a lot of pain, stay close to the Guide! (Joshua 1:8, “This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success.”)

10. Your greatest enemy is impatience. Waiting is hard—ok. But look at it differently! You aren’t merely waiting! You are preparing! Don’t rush what God is doing in your life right now. Let Him have His way in His time, and don’t always wish you were three years down the road. Impatience destroys more people than anything else I know! Be willing to wait for God’s best! Illustration: Would you rather have a dollar today or a million next week? The best is worth waiting for! (Hebrews 10:36, “For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise.”)

11. Your greatest assignment is preparation. Most big mistakes in young adult lives somehow involve trading preparation for pretend. In other words, rather than really preparing for God’s best in His time, let’s just rush forward and pretend we’re there already. Bad decision. Stick with the preparation of youth! You’ll be WAY ahead of the rest of the planet when life demands the most of you. (Galatians 6:9, “And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.”)

12. Your greatest asset is godly authorities. God has given every life some good authority—even if some authorities have let you down. Somebody in your life will help you make right choices, avoid wrong, and see clearly through the fog of youth. One of the best decisions you could make is to trust godly authorities. Question them—fine—then listen to the answers they give and follow their advice! Godly authorities have no desire to control you, but they do want to protect you! (Exodus 20:12, “Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.”)

Please—live life God’s way! While everything will try to drag you off track, I promise, you will never regret it! God has a good life in store for you—so go get it by His grace!

Related posts:

1. Why Young People Stay Faithful
2. Response #1 to The Saddest Letter
3. The Top Questions of Young Christian Singles
4. Saddest Letter I’ve Ever Read
5. United—Fighting for the Next Generation
6. 7 Big Parenting Mistakes
7. Does God Care What We Wear? (Part 3)
8. Understanding Hidden Dangers Part 4

Want to know what your kids want the most from you? It isn’t stuff. It isn’t money. It isn’t entertainment, toys, clothes, or freedom. It isn’t a day at Disneyland, or an expensive vacation.These are the things we try to provide to make up for what we miss. These are the things they ask for on birthdays and Christmas. These are the things that temporarily make us feel like good parents.

What our kids want most, they usually don’t ask for. They hope for it—even subconsciously, but they don’t usually mention it. They need it more than anything, but they don’t even really know it. When they don’t get it, their world becomes chaos—emotional, spiritual, relational chaos. Their living becomes confused and frustrated. They chase after shadows and substitutes, and always come up empty.

When they get it, their world comes back into order. Their emotions settle. Their perspective changes. Their hearts soften. Their countenances become whole. Their sense of belonging returns. Their insecurities diminish. Their stability returns. They become whole again.

What do kids want most? What do kids need most?

TIME with YOU.

Kids who spend quantity and quality time with their parents are very different than kids who don’t. When you’re kids spend time with you, they are deeply impacted. I’ve watched this pattern in all three of my kids at all ages. When they are lacking time with me, their world becomes restless and unsettled. But when they have enough time with me, their world becomes peaceful and stable once again.

This past week, I was privileged to spend four days with Haylee. She accompanied me on a preaching trip that afforded us some special memories and quality time together. On one particular day, we had about 7 hours of “just us.” The trip was one of the most special times of my entire life, and one of the great delights was getting to fall in love with my little girl all over again. It’s not that I ever fell “out of love”—it’s just that she and I both needed the time together to renew and strengthen our relationship. Time, life, and busyness has a way of stagnating your family relationships. It takes intentionality to see this and resist the trend. This was our opportunity to do that.

During our few days, I watched something very special happen in her heart. It showed up on her countenance, in her tone of voice, in her spirit, and in her behavior. Everything about her became more pliable, responsive, contented, and peaceful. My wife noticed it within a few moments of us returning home. Time with me changed her—and frankly, time with her changed me too! For me, it was convicting to consider of the power that we, as parents, hold over our children’s hearts just by the time we do or don’t spend with them.

And so, I took a few moments to list the ways that “time with you” impacts your children. Think about it. Here’s the short list of what happens to your child’s world when he or she has enough time with you:

Time with you makes life have proper perspective. “If Dad and Mom love me, then everything else will be ok.”

Time with you makes hardships have context. “If Dad and Mom are taking care of me, then the tough things in life will work out.”

Time with you makes the heart settled and stronger. “Because Dad and Mom love me, I can care less what the world thinks of me.”

Time with you makes the soul feel loved and accepted. “Dad and Mom love and accept and like me, and that means I don’t need to crave love from anywhere else.”

Time with you makes God’s presence tangible. “If God is anything like Dad or Mom, then I like God!”

Time with you makes God’s heart understandable. “If Dad and Mom understand my heart and feelings, then God must also.”

Time with you makes God’s love real. “God must love me sort of like Dad and Mom love me! Then I love Him too!”

Time with you makes life’s trials endurable. “My trial seemed so big, but everything seems ok when I’m with Dad or Mom.”

Time with you makes emotions manageable. “Dad and Mom help me keep a right view of my feelings and the changes in my life.”

Time with you makes the spirit rest. “Dad and Mom are for me, believe in me, love me, and care for me—that helps me rest well!”

Think of it this way—time with you does for your kids heart what time with God does for your heart. And maybe, if our kids get enough time with us, they will see God in us and through us—and maybe they will fall in love with Him just as we have! Maybe they too will love Him for life like we do! Wouldn’t that be a great reason for spending time with our kids?

Dad and Mom—you are the closest visible, physical expression of the love, heart, and presence of God that your kids will ever experience. So let them experience it! Whatever is pulling you away from giving your children time—it isn’t worth it. Make it happen and watch your kids change in ways you could never force.

God will honor you for loving them the way He does!

Related posts:

1. New Data about Kids and Media
2. 15 Ways to Affirm Your Kids
3. Spiritual Weapons for Wayward Kids
4. 10 Things Your Teen Won’t Tell You (Part 2)
5. Before You Discipline Your Child…
6. Saddest Letter I’ve Ever Read
7. Becoming an Insightful Parent #2
8. Mutations, Confusions, and Transitions Part Four

Ten Biblical Principles for Winning Your Child’s Heart

How do you discipline your children? Here are ten Biblical principles for handling discipline biblically and in a way that truly develops the heart of your child.

Discipline that develops the heart…

1. Is Controlled and Premeditated—It doesn’t fly off the handle or out of control.

Proverbs 16:32, “He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city.”

Colossians 3:21, “Fathers provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.”

2. Is Biblically Principled and Corrective—It rests upon a Higher Authority—God and His Word, and isn’t easily manipulated.

Proverbs 19:18, “Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying.”

3. Is Instructive and Nurturing—It moves beyond reaction and actually instructs and trains.

Proverbs 4:1-4, “Hear, ye children, the instruction of a father, and attend to know understanding.  2 For I give you good doctrine, forsake ye not my law.  3 For I was my father’s son, tender and only beloved in the sight of my mother.  4 He taught me also, and said unto me, Let thine heart retain my words: keep my commandments, and live.”

4. Is Focused on Beliefs then Behavior—It seeks to understand the beliefs that drive behavior, not merely change behavior.

Proverbs 23:26, “My son, give me thine heart, and let thine eyes observe my ways.”

Proverbs 4:1-2, “Hear, ye children, the instruction of a father, and attend to know understanding.  2 For I give you good doctrine, forsake ye not my law.”

5. Is Focused on Restoring Relationships—It always seeks a stronger relationship, not a wounded one.

Col. 3:21, “Fathers provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.”

6. Is Listening and Encouraging—It contemplates, considers, and listens to the feelings and expressions of the heart.

Psalm 103:13, “Like as a father pitieth his children, so the Lord pitieth them that fear Him.”

Col. 3:21, “Fathers provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.”

1 Thessalonians 2:11, “As you know how we exhorted and comforted and charged every one of you, as a father doth his children.”

7. Is Prayerful and Christ Centered—It brings Christ to the forefront and maintains a humble spirit.

James 5:16, “Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.”

8. Is Selfless and Contextual—It is for the profit of the child and helps the child see the larger context of blessing.

Hebrews 12:10, “For they verily for a few days chastened us after their own pleasure; but he for our profit, that we might be partakers of his holiness.”

9. Is Forward Looking—It blesses the heart with hope and an “I believe in you” spirit.

Proverbs 4:10, “Hear, O my son, and receive my sayings; and the years of thy life shall be many.”

1 Peter 2:2, “As newborn babes, desire the sincere milk of the word, that ye may grow thereby:”

10. Is Obedient to a Higher Authority—It flows from a heart that is obviously obedient to the Heavenly Father.

Proverbs 24:21, ” My son, fear thou the LORD and the king: and meddle not with them that are given to change:”

Proverbs 23:26, “My son, give me thine heart, and let thine eyes observe my ways.”

Continue the discussion: How have you seen God bless these principles in your own life or family?

Related posts:

1. Before You Discipline Your Child…
2. Becoming an Insightful Parent #2
3. Spiritual Weapons for Wayward Kids
4. Becoming an Insightful Parent
5. Things I’d Like to Say to Every Young Adult
6. 7 Big Parenting Mistakes
7. Response #1 to The Saddest Letter
8. United—Fighting for the Next Generation

We’re discussing “reading” your children—understanding and interpreting their behavior and needs in the light of biblical wisdom. In our last article we said it begins with understanding God’s Word and asking God for wisdom. Then praying with your children allows the Holy Spirit to soften the heart and connect you on a more spiritual level. From there it’s a matter of obeying God’s promptings regarding your children’s needs and responding to His leading. The fifth point was on working together with your spouse and sharing your insights. Let’s move on…

6. Spend Quantity Time with Your Children—Discernment takes study, and study takes time. The more time you spend with your children, the better you will understand their ups and downs, their growth, and their behavior. Time with them will help you be able to sort through what is a normal part of their personality, what is a spiritual struggle, and what is the expression of a heart need. This time should be connected time when you are communicating—not TV or movie time, and not time shared with other friends. Try to spend one on one time with each child each week. You may miss some weeks, but if every week is your goal, you stand a good chance of staying on course.

7. Choose to Look Beyond the Surface—Don’t focus merely on behavior. Ask where the behavior is coming from. Consider the reasoning, the logic, and the emotions that produce the decisions and behavior of your child. This is discernment in action—seeing beneath the surface. For instance, when your child is misbehaving, obviously it’s a sin problem, but ask the Lord, “What’s the trigger?”

8. Respond with Biblical Principles—Target the heart and pursue the transformation of the heart. Teach and transfer biblical principles and constantly be sensitive to whether the heart is open to those principles or whether there is merely outward conformity. Always point them to the highest authority—the Heavenly Father. If you’re not sure what to say or how to say it, then get help and seek advice. At all costs, point your child to God’s truth as the answer for every life problem. Always show them how your discipline connects to God and His ultimate authority in life.

9. Respond with Appropriate Authority—A variety of behaviors require a variety of responses. As parents, we can’t answer everything with a heavy hammer. Strong discipline should be but one of many tools in your parental toolbox. It’s doesn’t make sense to kill a mosquito with an atomic bomb, but many parents use the atomic bomb for everything. That’s unwise. Ask the Lord to guide your responses and to make them appropriate to the need. Sometimes our children need reproof, other times rebuke, and other times exhortation. (2 Timothy 4:2, “…reprove, rebuke, exhort with all longsuffering and doctrine.”)

10. Respond with Compassion—No matter how firmly you deal with a situation, always rest your parenting on the firm foundation of compassion. Begin and end with compassionate nurture, even if firmness is needed in between. If your child will hug you, pray with you, or respond to you, then the heart is open. If not, then the heart is closed. Whatever you do, don’t rest until your child’s heart is open to you.

Other than the Holy Spirit, my best teacher on becoming an insightful parent has been my wife. Dana is the most discerning parent I know. God has given her a tremendous sense of our children’s needs and the direction of their hearts. Thousands of times over the years, she has been my best parenting counselor. She has seen needs that I was blind to. She has suggested a course of action that proved effective. It has been our constant commitment to stay united as a parenting team.

We’re still in the middle of our parenting journey, and we’re loving every moment of it. One thing is for sure—every child is uniquely special by God’s design. That uniqueness should compel us to constantly rely upon the leading of the Holy Spirit in the moment by moment details of parenting.

Give your best effort to becoming an insightful parent, by God’s grace and power. Constantly ask Him for wisdom and guidance. He will answer, and your kids will thank you one day! I love parenting! What life work could we possibly do of any greater value?

Related posts:

1. Becoming an Insightful Parent
2. 7 Big Parenting Mistakes
3. Great Books for Christian Parents
4. Before You Discipline Your Child…
5. Response #2 to The Saddest Letter
6. Survey for Reality-Parenting
7. Discipline that Develops the Heart
8. Quit Telling Me I’m Normal!

Discerning Your Child’s Needs and Responding Biblically

Ephesians 6:4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

Do you understand your children? Do you know how to interpret their behavior? Do you see and understand early warning signs of future problem? Do you connect their outward behavior with the condition and direction of their heart? In this article I want to challenge you to becoming a discerning parent and give some practical steps on “how.”

In Hebrews 5:12-13 we read a challenge to believers to be skillful in the Word and discernment, “For when for the time ye ought to be teachers, ye have need that one teach you again which be the first principles of the oracles of God; and are become such as have need of milk, and not of strong meat. For every one that useth milk is unskilful in the word of righteousness: for he is a babe. But strong meat belongeth to them that are of full age, even those who by reason of use have their senses exercised to discern both good and evil.”

The word discern speaks of judicial estimation—it’s wisdom, insight, and accurate perspective. This ability is something we should desire in every area of life, but especially with nurturing our children. Too many parents only care if their kids are “staying out of trouble.” But discerning parents see beneath the surface and seek to understand what’s going on in the heart. Why?

The heart is where Biblical values are formed—this is the only way to know if their faith is representative of an authentic relationships with God or merely an outward, temporary show.

The heart is where questions are contemplated—every child has questions, and when parents are out of touch, Satan is good at exploiting these questions and providing false answers. Parents who get into the heart, unearth those questions so they can provide biblical answers. (John 8:23, “And ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free.”)

The heart is where real relationships are cultivated—like the root system of a tree or healthy plant, it’s beneath the surface, face to face, eye to eye, and heart to heart, that a strong relationship and authentic closeness is built.

The heart is where spiritual battle is fought—the Devil is going after our kids hearts. He wants their emotions, their beliefs, and their attitudes. If we’re going to with the spiritual battle, it must be fought for the heart.

A discerning parent is constantly on a sacred pursuit of their child’s heart. Let’s examine ten keys to developing parental discernment with our children:

1. Understand God’s Word—The primary way that any of us grow in discernment is the Word of God. The principles of God’s Word provide a foundation for all parental decision making. If you will become a discerning parent, you must become a student of God’s Word and of good parenting books that expound God’s Word.

2. Ask for God’s Wisdom—This is one of God’s great promises given to us in James 1—that He will give wisdom to anyone who will ask in faith. Wisdom is the ability to see the real needs and know how to respond. It is the ability to see your child as God sees and to respond as He would.

3. Pray with and for Your Children—Nothing will help you understand where the heart is like prayer. Make it your priority to pray with them each night before bed. Sense their heart toward you, toward the Lord, and toward the challenges of life. So few parents actually do this, but it’s so powerful and so simple! This brief time of prayer will accomplish spiritually what weeks and weeks of human effort could never accomplish.

4. Accept and Obey the Holy Spirit’s Promptings—God gives every Christian parent an internal warning system. We can choose to accept or deny those warnings. They are easily reasoned away or ignored, but they are a most vital aspect of parenting. The times I have neglected these warnings, I have eventually come to regret it. The times I have heeded them, I have always discovered something that needed parental intervention. Wise parents accept God’s internal promptings, even if they don’t fully understand them or can’t explain them. You don’t need to explain what God is putting on your heart. You just need to heed and obey it.

5. Be a Team Player with Your Spouse—Think and talk about your children together with your spouse. Pray for them together. When talking together, God will give you collective insight and the wisdom to create a biblical approach to dealing with the situations your children face. In these talks, Dad and Mom can mutually benefit from each other’s perspective. When parents are a team, they heed each other’s cautions, listen to each others insight, and respond with unified hearts. This is a great gift to any child!

Click here for part two of this article, as we examine five more tips for developing parental discernment.

Related posts:

1. Becoming an Insightful Parent #2
2. Understanding Hidden Dangers Part 1
3. 7 Big Parenting Mistakes
4. Great Books for Christian Parents
5. Before You Discipline Your Child…
6. Discipline that Develops the Heart
7. The Top Ten Dating Mistakes Parents Make (Part 1)
8. Mutations, Confusion, and Transitions Part Three

USAToday featured an article today that stated 72% of 18-29 year olds say they are more “spiritual” than religious. You can read the original article here, and it’s filled with plenty of discouraging data. But I wanted to draw out two positives that jumped off the page at me. These two things greatly encouraged my heart in youth ministry!

The first starts with a negative—70% of young adults who call themselves Christians actually stop attending church between the ages of 18 and 23. But here’s the positive. Before they turn 30, 66% of these young adults return to church. WOW! There’s a lot of bad news there, but what a huge reason to NEVER give up on someone! 66% of the young adults who stop attending your church will someday return. Have you loved them enough to leave the door open so they could return?

The second positive is this—15% who call themselves Christians are actively passionate and committed to their faith. Why do I love this statistic? Because I would gladly give a lifetime of effort to see 15% of those to whom I minister actually be passionately engaged in living their faith on a regular basis—walking with God, sharing Christ, and serving the Lord. I wish the number was higher—and in our ministry it has been. But what a great reason to keep pressing on in ministry—if only for the 15% who will truly be impacted!

Incidentally, the survey was taken among a broad cross-section of “Christians.” In our local church, over the past 20 years, we’ve actually seen the statistic dramatically differ. About 75-80% of the young people who grew up at Lancaster Baptist Church have stayed faithful to the Lord into their 20′s and 30′s. And yes, many of those who fall away for a time eventually return to their faith.

Honestly, I don’t know that the Apostle Paul’s ministry statistics would have been any better. People have been faking their faith and falling away from Christ for a long time! Don’t stop fighting the fight for higher statistics, but don’t forget, we don’t serve statistics. We serve God, and the fruit is the product of His Holy Spirit. Many who fall away will someday come back! And there’s always at least a remnant of those who are truly “unfeigned” in their faith.

Related posts:

1. United—Fighting for the Next Generation
2. Problems with Fun-Focused Youth Ministry
3. New Website and Book—Church Still Works!
4. Struggling Teenagers? Don’t Give Up Early!
5. Saddest Letter I’ve Ever Read
6. Does God Care What We Wear? (Part 3)
7. New Data about Kids and Media
8. Three Lost Boys and a Local Church

One of our youth group graduates, Josh Tanner, just began serving the Lord in youth ministry. Josh recently emailed me, asking what I would place on a list of “things that help young people stay faithful.” My quick reply was simply “a good relationship with godly parents,” but then I asked him to send me his list. I was curious what he considered to be the factors that kept him faithful since his childhood.

To put it simply—he nailed it! Josh sent me a strong list of ten things that contributed to his spiritual course. Here’s the list:

1. Parents—faithful parents who lived the Christian life, not perfectly, but genuinely.

2. Pastor—a great relationship with a faithful pastor. These first two trump all the rest!

3. Youth Pastor—someone to come along, teach the Bible, and encourage the first two relationships.

4. Godly Relationships (friends, peers, dating, mentors, friends’ parents)—choosing right influences and good crowds.

5. Involvement in church functions, events and work around the church—making church life a priority, and letting fun, social life, and friends revolve around spiritual things.

6. Seeing and experiencing the joy that comes from serving in ministry—acting out your faith by getting involved in ministering to others.

7. Seeing miracles and seeing God do amazing things—being a part of a dynamic local church where God is at work.

8. Seeing and realizing the need—taking eyes off of self and looking around long enough to see that God wants you to make a difference in someone else’s life.

9. God’s grace—the supernatural working of God developing desires and direction in life—probably a result of the prayers flowing from points one and two!

10. Relationship with God (devotions, prayer, prayer meetings, etc.)—the outflow of a real personal walk with Christ. At some point, Josh made his walk with God real and personal.

The first two on the list are the foundation. Everything else can be built on those two. If you’re wondering what factors help a teen choose to stay faithful to God, I believe this list states it well! May God bless you in the work of establishing young hearts in the faith of Christ!

Thanks, Josh, for sharing your heart in this list!

Related posts:

1. Things I’d Like to Say to Every Young Adult
2. Saddest Letter I’ve Ever Read
3. United—Fighting for the Next Generation
4. The Top Questions of Young Christian Singles
5. Great Books for Christian Parents
6. Response #1 to The Saddest Letter
7. Response #2 to The Saddest Letter
8. 10 Things Teens Won’t Tell You (Part 1)

We just completed two huge events in our ministry—Easter weekend and West Coast Baptist Youth Conference. After many months of diligent prayer and preparation by a large team, God gave us a great week of decisions for Christ and personal life-change. Over the course of both events we had at least 200 people trust Christ as their personal Saviour, and another 200+ teenagers surrendered their lives to serve Jesus Christ.

The Devil’s advocate might wonder, “Are these decisions real?” “Do they last, or are they just made in the emotion of a moment?” Are they truly the work of God or are they just hype—merely the results of a pepped up crowd in an energized environment? I’ve heard my share of cynical questions over the years, and I’ve even wrestled personally with doing my best to make sure the events we host are conducted in the power of the Spirit of God and not just merely hyped up.

But to really get to the heart of the answer, all I need to do is think of my own testimony. Saved at age seven, I was privileged to be a part of exciting, big events all through my childhood and teen years—junior camps, teen camps, youth conferences, revivals, pastors’ conferences, etc. And when I think back to those years, it’s easy to see that truly—they counted! Having been saved now for 34 years and serving the Lord for 20 years, I can say that every single event played a significant role in leading me to this point in my life.

How? Here are seven ways that big spiritual events made a difference in my life:

1. They served as mile markers on a spiritual journey—in the big picture of my life, God used these events to produce spiritual progress and reaffirm spiritual decisions. They were like road-signs on a long journey that reminded me I had come a good distance and I was still headed the right direction.

2. They reminded me of others who believed what I believed—each event placed me in the path of guest speakers, other churches, and other spiritual leaders who believed the same Word of God that I believed. They reminded me in a big way that I was not alone!

3. They served as focused times of revival—no doubt, the focused prayer, the preaching, and the tender expectation of my heart in these seasons brought about wonderful times of revival and spiritual renewal. Each event was like a fresh gust of wind in the sails of my life to keep me heading God’s direction.

4. They served as course correctors—often God used the preaching and teaching at these events to bring about correction and reproof. I can recall many moments at invitations in dealing with bad attitudes and sin struggles. These events were critical in keeping me engaged in the battle against sin.

5. They served as course reinforcers—often God used these events to stir up something He had already done in my life. Though I had already surrendered to serve Him, each event stirred up the gift and reinforced God’s call and direction for my life.

6. They provided awesome, wholesome spiritual memories—amazingly, to this day, when I look back on these events, they still bring a smile to my heart! I will never forget both the fun and the spiritual memories that such times provided. Young people enjoy energy—they are drawn to high energy events—and these spiritual events leave an eternal good memory.

7. They jump-started my personal walk with Christ—without fail, the result of every single event was an increased desire to walk with the Lord personally. Each camp and conference served to ignite my love for the Lord and revitalize my personal walk with him each day.

So, in case you’re wondering—YES—I believe big events count in a major way! I thank the Lord for how He used big events to strengthen my heart for Him. And I praise the Lord for the wonderful response He gave us this week in thousands of hearts because of the diligent labor of so many people!

Wherefore I put thee in remembrance that thou stir up the gift of God, which is in thee by the putting on of my hands. (2 Timothy 1:6)

Related posts:

1. Why Young People Stay Faithful
2. Teen Camp 2010 Recap
3. Strengthening Spiritual Decisions
4. Response #1 to The Saddest Letter
5. United—Fighting for the Next Generation
6. Does God Care What We Wear? (Part 3)
7. Re-Igniting Apathetic Teens
8. New Data on Church Drop-Outs

Frequently someone asks what books I would recommend on youth ministry or parenting. They are generally the same books. While there are some good books on youth ministry, the most helpful to youth ministry are those on the family. Whether you are a parent or a youth pastor, I would urge you to read everything you can on biblical parenting and working with young hearts. Over the years, these are a few books that have been profoundly helpful to me as a parent and youth pastor. I encourage you to read and pass along the information found in these books:

Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp—This is probably the best book I’ve ever read on parenting and deserves to be read by parents every couple of years, no matter the age of your children. Portions of this book deal with infancy, childhood, and then teen years, but the entire book teaches a parent how to focus on the heart and not merely the behavior. The strength of this book is that it is thoroughly biblical and that it gives parents a clear understanding of the vital biblical principles that pertain to parenting.

Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters by Meg Meeker—This book was given to me by a pastor friend and it deeply challenged me in my relationship with my daughter. Meg Meeker is a physician and the book, though Judeo-Christian in value, is primarily written from the experiences that Mrs. Meeker has had in dealing with families from the view of her medical practice. Every man with a daughter should read this book. It substantiates the principles of Scripture with the real-life experiences of a family physician.

Parenting by the Book by John Rosemond—I purchased this book a few years ago and worked through it in my personal time. The message of the book is that parenting by the Bible still works. The most powerful aspect of this book, in my life, was Rosemond’s explanation of authority and biblical discipline. He explains “the rod” of authority in a way that powerfully impacted me permanently in my own home. He also does a great job in dealing with heart transformation versus mere behavior modification. There were many portions of this book that I underlined, came back to, and shared with my wife.

Parenting Today’s Adolescent by Dennis Rainey—This book has been a standard in my library as a reference for teen parents for years. The book opens with much practical wisdom and then explores the traps of the teen years. As a youth pastor and parent, every page of this book resonated in my heart with wisdom and truth. One of the best aspects of this book is that it helps the parent lead the teen to develop personal convictions! This vital dynamic of training is absent in many Christian homes today.

As with most books but the Bible, I would give a disclaimer that I could not endorse everything about these books or the authors listed. I encourage the reader to read with Holy Spirit led discernment and biblical wisdom. But generally these books deal with vital parenting issues biblically and practically. I pray they will be helpful tools to your home and ministry.

Related posts:

1. The Top Ten Dating Mistakes Parents Make (Part 3)
2. More Christian Books for Kindle
3. The Top Ten Dating Mistakes Parents Make (Part 2)
4. Saddest Letter I’ve Ever Read
5. The Top Ten Dating Mistakes Parents Make (Part 1)
6. Pitfalls of Passive Parents (Part 2)
7. Response #2 to The Saddest Letter
8. Why Young People Stay Faithful