Encouraging Words from Cary Schmidt » humor

My Christmas Day Train Wreck

caryschmidt — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 01:06:54 +0000

I have recurring Saturday evening nightmares. I think it’s a part of being a song leader or church service director. But today topped them all! First some background:

At least once a month, and some times more frequently, I pillow my head on Saturday evening only to be tormented all night by some nightmare experience unfolding in a church service in my head. For a long time, that nightmare was that everyone showed up for church except for the choir. In the dream, I would turn around to lead the opener only to find NO ONE standing in the choir loft. I would then panic, freeze, and panic some more as the church service came unraveled before it even began.

In another version of the dream, the choir would show up, but they didn’t know the song. Neither did the orchestra. And so, for several devastating measures of noisy embarrassment, I would try to lead as utter chaos unfolded. The hairs on my neck would stand up, my face turn beet-red, and my heart rise into my throat. I would begin sweating profusely in terrified anxiety, only to wake up relieved that it was all just a dream.

In yet other versions of the dream, I arrive on the platform to begin a service only to discover that I am wearing something completely off the reservation for a church service. Sometimes its jeans and a t-shirt. Sometimes its pajamas. Sometimes its a suit but I forgot the coat and tie. And other times I’m wearing everything just right—except I forgot my pants. Just after the panic of finding out that I’m not dressed right, I wake up short of breath, twitching, and relieved to find out again that it’s only a dream.

I could go on. I’ve had these dreams for twenty-two years. Sometimes I overslept and missed church. Other times I arrived to discover I had forgotten to plan a service at all! And yet other times something horrible happens—like an earthquake that empties the whole congregation onto the parking lot in the middle of a musical. These dreams are not fun. They are all too real. But I have come to accept them and manage them as a part of my calling in life.

Well today, I had another one of those dreams. I’m sitting off to the side of the platform enjoying a wonderful Christmas day service. The choir has sung. A children’s ensemble has sung. Congregation has sung. And now we are enjoying a teen ensemble. It was awesome service so far! Then, right on cue, I step up to lead the congregation and ensemble in the song “I Heard the Bells”—a classic Christmas hymn. (My favorite line—”God is not dead nor doth He sleep… the wrong shall fail, the right prevail… with peace on Earth, good will toward men.) Yes, it’s a great, albeit unfamiliar Christmas hymn—unfortunately.

The congregation stood and belted out the first verse with great unity! The spirit of the day was electric with excitement! Everybody is thrilled to be in church on Christmas morning! And so far, it’s been a WONDERFUL service!

It was at this time that the dream became a nightmare. The words on screen were not the second verse that I was singing. The congregation stared, wanting to sing on, but not having a CLUE as to the obscure words of this once Christmas poem.

PANIC! Do I keep singing, hoping that words soon appear? ETERNITY seemed to pass… still no words. Two thousand people stared at me. This was not good. Somebody wake me up! The teen ensemble behind me stood anxiously awaiting. Still no words.

So, in one “gulp” of a moment, I stopped the music, looked at the church family and said, “That’s what we call a train wreck. There are a few versions of this song…” They laughed. I laughed… nervously desperate for a PLAN B. Then I noticed the hymn number at the top of my photocopied song sheet—152!

It’s ok, I thought… we can use the books! “Everybody grab a song book and turn to page 152!” Foolishly I thought the moment was salvaged. Little did I know, it was only beginning!

Just as we were about to resume singing the second verse again, I was mystified by the puzzled look on all the faces. So, I stopped the music again—train wreck number TWO! Must be my fault, I thought. “Did I give you the song number? One-five-two.” This time I even held up my fingers to be extra clear.

It was then that a kind voice from the front row said, “It’s not in our hymnal…” AWKWARD pause… painfully long half-a-second… uh-oh—I’m toast!

PANIC TEN-FOLD! Heart attack level this time! This was when I realized that my song sheet was photocopied from a different hymnal. One-five-two was NOT “I Heard the Bells” Train-wreck number THREE! This was the worst night mare I had ever had!

It was at that moment in this nightmare that the congregation really laughed hard—for the third time. Why didn’t I just call for a different song—one we all know by heart—like “O Come All Ye Faithful” or “Hark the Herald Angels Sing”— or even “Jingle Bells” for crying out loud! But no… with mindless determination I tried leading the second obscure verse by calling out the words one phrase at a time.

Major life-lesson here—that doesn’t work! Two-thousand people tried to hear what I was saying while singing what I said a moment ago. It was not pretty. It wasn’t even worshipful. It was down-right scary.

Finally, trying to strain some last semblance of meaning for this moment, I skipped verse three and read the fourth verse out loud. Then I invited everybody to give it one more shot “from memory.” The teens behind me were, at this point, relieved that never in their young lives could they ever match this level of stupidity—especially in front of so many people.

Never has the end of a congregational song taken so long to arrive! And never was it such a welcomed friend! If the platform had an ejection button and parachute, I would have launched it. A gong—I would have gonged it! A trap door through which to drop—I would have pulled the lever. If only someone could have called down fire from Heaven to consume me—this would have provided welcome relief! This dream was too bizarre—worse than any before it! Somebody wake me up quick!

And then I realized. This one is real. This is no dream.

This was my Christmas Day 2011 series of worship service train wrecks.

As I proceeded to my seat with both feet in my mouth and humble pie smeared all over my entire body—I glanced down with a relived sigh—Whew!

At least my pants were on!

PS—Dear Lancaster Baptist Family—Thank you for laughing and recovering, even though I dropped you on your head three times in a row… thank you for laughing both WITH me and AT me! Thank you for not letting that horrible moment ruin an otherwise wonderful service.

Dear Song-leader—take hope. This was about as bad as it ever gets. And God still worked in our service this morning. It’s just not about us! (Thank goodness!)

Dear Projection Team—let’s go ahead and add all the versions of “I Heard the Bells” to our lyric files in the computer. (And Jingle-Bells, just in case.)

Dear Lord—Thank you for taking pleasure in our worship, even when we mess it up by human standards. Thank you for being a perfect Saviour!

A Thief With Principles

caryschmidt — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 04:21:48 +0000

You may have seen this. My son found it and passed it along to me. It’s a true story that makes for a humorous but powerful illustration of how the human heart can rationalize sin. Perhaps you can use it.

Dennis Lee Curtis was a thief who was arrested in 1992 in Rapid City, South Dakota. Curtis apparently had goals and guidelines about his thievery. During his arrest, the police found a sheet of paper in his wallet that contained the following handwritten guidelines:

1. I will not kill anyone unless I have to.
2. I will take cash and food stamps—no checks.
3. I will rob only at night.
4. I will not wear a mask.
5. I will not rob mini-marts or 7-Eleven stores.
6. If I get chased by cops on foot, I will get away. If chased by vehicle, I will not put the lives of innocent civilians on the line.
7. I will rob only seven months out of the year.
8. I will enjoy robbing from the rich to give to the poor.

Lucky Bus Drivers!

caryschmidt — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 04:35:30 +0000

Sign found at a Burger King in Central California. Sort of like a frequent flier club for bus drivers—aren’t they lucky!

I sat in this section—even though I’m not a bus driver.

It was AWESOME!

Sweet Revenge on My 17 Year Old!

A Funny Reminder to be Thankful!

caryschmidt — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 19:16:05 +0000

Several weeks ago, a dear friend sent me this story and the encouragement that follows. I repost it here, on Thanksgiving Day in hopes that it will encourage you.

Two old friends met each other on the street one day. One looked forlorn, almost on the verge of tears. His friend asked, “What has the world done to you, my old friend?”

The sad fellow said, “Let me tell you: three weeks ago, my uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars.”

“That’s a lot of money.”

“But you see, two weeks ago, a cousin I never even knew died, and left me eighty-five thousand dollars, free and clear.”

“Sounds to me that you’ve been very blessed.”

“You don’t understand!” he interrupted. “Last week my great-aunt passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million from her.”

Now the man’s friend was really confused. “Then, why do you look so glum?”

“This week . . . nothing!”

That’s a problem with receiving something on a regular basis. Even if it is a gift, we eventually come to expect it. The natural tendency is that if we receive a gift long enough, we come to view it almost as an entitlement. We feel hurt, even angry, if we don’t receive it any longer.

It is the same way with the blessings God gives us every day. I don’t deserve my comfortable home that I live in, the beautiful scenery around me, the clean water I drink. But after receiving these gifts (and a multitude of others) for years, I sometimes fail to be grateful. I’ve come to expect these good things. And when one of them is removed for a short time (like water or electricity or internet going down), I get upset.

Let’s make an effort today to recognize the blessing we’ve come to take for granted. Focus on what we have rather than on what we don’t have, and see if it doesn’t improve our attitudes.

For a quick read from last year’s family trip for Thanksgiving, enjoy this story: Learning to Laugh With and At Each Other.

Happy Thanksgiving and thank you for stopping by!

“Oh, that men would give thanks to the Lord for His goodness, and for His wonderful works to the children of men!” Psalm 107:8

Overworked or Under-Appreciated?

caryschmidt — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 01:21:40 +0000

In today’s staff meeting, Dr. Mark Rasmussen shared this humorous and sobering reminder of how good we really have it! I’m not sure of its source, but it’s a great reminder!

If you ever start to feeling overworked, over-regulated, under-leisured, under-benefited—take heart. This notice was found in the ruins of a London office building. It was dated 1852.

1. This firm has reduced the hours of work, and the clerical staff will now only have to be present between the hours of 7 a.m. and 6 p.m. weekdays.

2. Clothing must be of a sober nature. The clerical staff will not disport themselves in raiment of bright colors, nor will they wear hose unless in good repair.

3. Overshoes and topcoats may not be worn in the office, but neck scarves and headwear may be worn in inclement weather.

4. A stove is provided for the benefit of the clerical staff. Coal and wood must be kept in the locker. It is recommended that each member of the clerical staff bring four pounds of coal each day during the cold weather.

5. No member of the clerical staff may leave the room without permission from the supervisor.

6. No talking is allowed during business hours.

7. The craving for tobacco, wine, or spirits is a human weakness, and as such is forbidden to all members of the clerical staff.

8. Now that the hours of business have been drastically reduced, the partaking of food is allowed between 11:30 and noon, but work will not on any account cease.

9. Members of the clerical staff will provide their own pens. A new sharpener is available on application to the supervisor.

10. The supervisor will nominate a senior clerk to be responsible for the cleanliness of the main office and the private office. All boys and juniors will report to him 40 minutes before prayers and will remain after closing hours for similar work. Brushes, brooms, scrubber, and soap are provided by the owners.

11. The owners recognize the generosity of the new labor laws, but will expect a great rise in output of work to compensate for these near Utopian conditions.

10 Random Lessons from Vacation

Cary Schmidt — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 04:59:38 +0000

God just gave our family a wonderful vacation together. We spent time with family and friends on the East Coast—particularly New York. In looking back over the trip, I thought I would share some lessons learned—mostly serious, and some not so serious. The list could be longer, but for the sake of brevity—here goes:

1. Life is a lot like the tide—During an early walk on the beach—alone, I was reflecting on the past and contemplating the future. I watched one wave after another roll in and make its way to the shore. In that moment, the Lord reminded me that my time to serve Him is about as brief as one of those waves coming ashore. Another generation follows quickly behind me, and I should do all I can to honor the Lord today.

2. Kids grow up really fast—This vacation was our last before Lance starts college, so every day was a constant reminder of how quickly our kids have grown and how much we cherish every moment and memory we’ve shared as a family. We thank the Lord for the joy of parenting!

3. There are a million “world famous” pizza places in New York City—How can I have never heard of so many “world famous” places?! I must be living under a rock when it comes to famous pizza.

4. There are more people in the North East than anyone could possibly count—Everywhere we went in New York City and in the surrounding areas—in fact the entire North East Corridor—there were masses of people everywhere. It was staggering to see the sheer numbers of people—at all hours of day and night.

5. The needs of people are the same everywhere—Even in New York City we found people receptive to tracts and to a kind word. I couldn’t believe the number of young families and single adults that we saw living in the city. I was reminded over and over of the great need to plant churches.

6. Walking in downtown Brooklyn at 1am is safer than it used to be—Trying to find our way to three different subway connections resulted in eleven of us (four adults and seven kids) wandering noisily through unfamiliar downtown Brooklyn at 1am! What an experience. Even the people that were out at that time were helpful—like the guy that told me, “I wouldn’t walk so close to those trash bags… we’ve got big rats around here.” A few moments later, a rat the size of a cat crossed our path. Lesson learned.

7. God truly does knit together the souls of Christian friends—The Lord gave us time with great Christian friends and allowed us to make memories we will never forget. More than ever I am thankful for the refreshing love and encouragement that God gives us through such relationships. They truly are a gift from God.

8. God is working in a lot of places—We were blessed to see God working in several churches and to meet new and growing Christians in those churches! At one particular lunch we really enjoyed hearing the testimony of two young families who are growing in Christ. What a joy to see God working, to hear the personal stories, and to witness life-change.

9. Riding a two seater bike is harder than it looks—Note: If you are ever in Manhattan, you can reserve free bikes at South Street Sea-Port. (You must reserve them ahead of time.) Few people know about this, but on our last day, nine of us enjoyed a three-hour bike ride along the Hudson River—at no charge. Haylee and I road tandem—me doing most of the work and her enjoying the view. It’s ok—I needed both the exercise and the smile on her face!

10. God still blesses radical faith—In several ways, we saw that God blesses risk-taking! I was challenged to obey God first and continue trusting Him with the outcomes. God always rewards faith-filled obedience.

And Finally—Mary Poppins—as portrayed in the musical—would make an excellent church staff member—she’s modest, efficient, organized, gracious… but this one really puts her over the top—she can FLY!

We thank the Lord for allowing us to have some refreshing and enjoyable vacation time, and we’re excited about the coming season of ministry and serving Him together!

Groundbreaking Time Management Starter Kit

Cary Schmidt — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 03:49:00 +0000

Only for Those Looking for a Simple First Step Towards a More Productive Life

Ok—this one is just for laughs, but I couldn’t resist! This past Sunday our Pastor’s son, Larry Chappell, preached a message in our PM service and used this photo from Skymall magazine as a part of an illustration of ridiculous products. I laughed my head off and just had to share it!

For those who tend towards a disorganized life, this might be a good place to start your new time management system.

Have a great weekend!

Sweet Revenge on My 17 Year Old!

caryschmidt — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 15:06:17 +0000

Stuff I’m Planning to Do to My Son’s Car—Now that He Has One!

Well, I’m officially old! My seventeen-year-old son now has a car and this post is strictly for your comic relief! Lance worked hard and saved, and it was a joy to help get a car for him as a graduation gift. It’s a nice, 2003 yellow mustang with about 70,000 miles, but in great shape. It runs well and we’ve had fun teaching him how to drive a stick-shift.

This evening, I sat in the passenger’s seat as he drove us to church and a funny thought hit me! I should pay him back for all the crazy things he’s done to my vehicles since the day he was born! This is my chance! And so… here’s my detailed list of things to do to his car in the coming months:

1. I’m going to find a baby and let it spit up all over his back seat, front seat, and on him. (Among other things that I cannot mention)

2. I’m going to spill four baby-bottles of warm formula on the carpet and leave it there to curdle.

3. I’m going to get an entire box of saltine crackers and grind them into little crumbles into his seats and floors. I will repeat this within one hour of every time he vacuums his car.

4. I’m going to dump two full boxes of McDonald’s french fries between the cracks in every part of the car—where they are still visible, but impossible to reach with any man-made device.

5. I’m going to get three half peeled bananas and cram them into spaces between the upholstery—preferably where the mush will get on his hand when he buckles his seat-belt.

6. I’m going to get two trash bags full of gum wrappers, sticky pieces of candy, half-eaten laffy-taffy, popsicle sticks, and straw papers and cram them deeply into the pockets on back of the front seats. I will repeat this frequently as well.

7. I’m going to leave a sealed can of soda long enough for it to explode all over the dashboard in warm weather.

8. I’m going to leave a large McDonalds cup half full of coke in the cup-holder until the bottom of the cup falls out leaving sticky coke residue so thick that a blow torch is required to remove it.

9. I’m going to wait until his windows are steamy, icey, or dirty and write “Cary was here” and “wash me” all over them.

10. I’m going to buy 100 McDonalds happy meal toys and leave them spontaneously in every nook and cranny for him to find over the next 100 weeks.

11. I’m going to stick chewed gum to the cup holders and CD player. At the same time I will remove all CD’s and replace them with Patch the Pirate.

12. I’m going to take my shoes to a very dirty place, grind them for two hours in dirt and mud, and then rub them on the floors, the sides of the doors, and the backs of the seats—making sure to leave clearly visible shoe imprints all over the clean trim and upholstery.

13. I’m going to get two half-eaten cheeseburgers and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich—remove the burgers from the buns take the sandwhich apart, and place them strategically out of site in the various storage compartments of the car to be found several months later.

14. I’m going to bring coloring books and crayons—drop the crayons in fragments wherever they might fall, and then tear pages out of the book and cram them up under the seats.

15. I’m going to melt chocolate and drip it right where he sits in the driver’s seat.

16. I’m going to take four random objects from my room or office and leave them in his car every time I ride in it.

17. I’m going to find a nice black ball-point pen and draw pictures on the ceiling fabric above the passenger seat.

18. I’m going to get a large car seat, sit in it, and scream for three hours when he’s driving somewhere.

19. I’m going to sit behind him and kick the back of his seat while he’s driving.

20. I’m going to spontaneously take whatever I’m holding at the moment and throw it at his head while he’s driving—just because I feel like it.

And for my grand finale— I’m going to find a large paper clip, and just for fun, jam it into the ignition, pretending it’s a key. When it gets stuck, I’m going to twist and turn it until it breaks and stays there. Then I’m going to watch while he waits for the tow-truck driver to take him to the dealership to remove the paperclip remnant and return the car to functionality.

At this point in time, I will feel satisfied with sweet revenge and we can call it even.

But at the same time, I will be very sad that he is now driving himself to school. I will fight back the tears that he is grown and all of these things are just funny, distant memories! We sure have had a great time watching him grow up—though our vehicles have paid a dear price!

We love you Lance!

Learning to Laugh With and At Each Other

Cary Schmidt — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 01:26:38 +0000

A Little Helpful Insight from Our Family Antics

Yesterday, a little after noon, we finally loaded up in the car and began our traditional, annual family trek to Northern California for Thanksgiving. We’ve made this trip eighteen times now, so we’ve gone from “middle-of the-night-driving” with kids in diapers to “middle-of-the-day-driving” with kids watching Buzz Lightyear to evening driving with teenagers insulting us and each other. During yesterday’s trip, the traffic was unusually heavy, which gave us several more hours in the day together.

As you might imagine, five relatively whitty people packed into a minivan for eight hours can get pretty funny. And as my kids have grown, it seems they have inherited their dad’s, their grandfathers’, and their great-grandfather’s whit all at once. There are three of them—Lance, our seventeen-year-old, who works hard at having an “all-together” image, but eventually ends up cracking up at himself the most; Larry, our fourteen-year-old who sees humor in just about anything and always makes us laugh hard; and Haylee, our eight-year-old going on twenty five—she actually surprises us with her quick, whitty, and often unusually insightful comebacks!

Our family never has more fun than when we’re making fun of each other. Perhaps we are all half-insane, I’m not sure. But once we get started, it seems there’s no end! And the great part is, NO ONE is exempt! By the time we’re done, every single person in the family has had every oddity, every embarrassing moment, every personality quirk rehashed, imitated, exaggerated, and colorfully re-enacted for the enjoyment of the other four. Can I share the details? No. But just imagine four people laughing their heads off for twenty minutes and one moaning, “Nuh uh… be quiet…” the entire time. Then it’s like someone rolls the dice and suddenly it’s someone else’s turn to start saying, “Nuh uh… be quiet…” and the last humiliated person picks up their dignity and joins right in—glad their turn is over! In short, it’s hilarious!!

Well, yesterday Lance piped up in the middle of all the fun and said, “Listen to us! We’re just bagging on each other! My family is NOT going to do this!” To which we all reminded him that he’s as much a part of it as we all are. He then proceeded to explain that he doesn’t really do this, we just draw him into it. Well, we all just jumped on that and made fun of him for twenty minutes while he said, “Nuh uh…” He may as well have just volunteered to be “next.” But I began to consider his point. Is there a method to our family madness? Of course there is.

First, Proverbs 15 teaches that a merry heart is a continual feast and produces a cheerful countenance. (The fact that my merry heart is produced by another family member’s weirdness?—well, that’s their problem.) We sure have a good time laughing with and at each other. But beyond that, there’s a deeper point.

When the traffic finally cleared, we made our way to a Baker’s Square to have dinner. It was early into dinner that Larry and I playfully started putting little pieces of straw paper into each others drink. Me first, then him, then me again then him—each paper getting a little bigger. He thought he had me when he put nearly a whole crumpled straw paper into my soda. But then I grabbed my silverware (stilled tightly wrapped in a napkin) and jammed the whole thing down into his drink. His jaw dropped, eyes widened, and the whole table started laughing harder than I can describe. It took us several moments to catch our breath. I had won, and he knew it.

It was shortly after this moment that I decided to teach our kids why we carry on this way as a family. I believe that learning to laugh at ourselves is a huge part of family life. Being able to take the good-natured laughter of others helps us grow thicker emotional skin. And being able to join in the laughter at ourselves helps us keep a proper perspective. We all tend to take ourselves too seriously. All families tend to have rivalry. We compete with each other unnecessarily. But everybody likes a person who can laugh at themselves! And I believe that families who can playfully jab at each others oddities without it becoming a knock-down-drag-out fight have something pretty special!

Well, I shared these thoughts with our kids. Told Lance his family would most likely do this and why. And then Haylee started talking—incidentally she has about four teeth that are only partially grown in. Suddenly, picking up the baton once again, Larry looked at her and said, “Haylee, why don’t you stop talking and just grow some teeth.” (But she was talking and missed it.) So, being proud of Larry for coming up with a “great one,” I repeated it to her. She stopped mid-sentence, smiled with a frown, huffed a little, and instantly shot back to me—”Well, why don’t you stop talking and just grow some hair!”

At this point, the whole family absolutely fell apart with laughter. Except for me. I just moaned and said, “Nuh uh… be quiet…” My wife laughed the hardest. She almost fell out of the booth! I too laughed. Haylee? She just gloated. She was so proud of herself. Yes, of all the insults and jabs of the trip—this was the best. It’s almost like there was an unspoken crowning ceremony—an invisible awarding of a gold medal. Everybody stopped because we all knew no one could top that one.

And once again Dad was getting a taste of his own medicine and having to apply his own lesson. Laughter is a wonderful gift! And being able to laugh at yourself is a great gift to others! Everybody likes to laugh and everybody likes someone who can laugh at themselves—because when you get right down to it—we’re all pretty weird!

One word of caution, if your family doesn’t regularly practice this strange behavior of “bagging on each other”—I wouldn’t just up and start flinging insults around the Thanksgiving table. You might get yourself killed or seriously maimed by a meat fork. Start with yourself and make sure everybody knows they have the right to laugh at you first.

Proverbs 15:13 A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance: but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken.

Proverbs 15:15 All the days of the afflicted are evil: but he that is of a merry heart hath a continual feast.

Proverbs 17:22 A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.